"Write hard and clear about what hurts."  Earnest Hemingway

Why a Website?

There have been people who have heard my story of church abuse and advised me to let it go. 

I know they mean well, but letting go of a profound injustice, while the perpetrators continue to wield destructive power is not an easy pill to swallow. Especially when I have tons of written proof of their wrong doing and the hypocrites are currently enjoying rewards for their deceitful, destructive behavior.      

The United Church of Christ calls itself an “open and affirming” church, claiming “All Are Welcome”.  Yet Ashland United Church of Christ stands by neither claim.  As of October 2016, Ashland UCC abandoned their inclusive practices.  However, they still sport their open and affirming advertising.  "All Are Welcome" is displayed outside on the sidewalk every Tuesday for the Taize service.  It’s their motto. 

"All Are Welcome" are not words Ashland UCC lives by. This message is nothing but propaganda.  

I know this because I was a devoted member of that church for six years and as of October 2016, my partner, Daniel Sperry, and I were viciously amputated from the community and banned from the property over a pile of lies.  We are still not clear what cause the church purports for this extreme departure from their branding.  The clergy and leadership of the church have always been unwilling to discuss their issues with us. 

After 10 years in UCC churches, I had fully come to believe the promise the church makes every Sunday: “No matter who you are, no matter where you are on life’s journey, you are welcome here.”  I believed that promise meant something.  Reverend Christina Kukuk, Reverend Paula Sohl and Ashland UCC taught me their promises mean nothing at all.  In fact I have come to see that words themselves are contorted by the ministers of that church, to such a degree, in such elaborate patterns of deception, I do have to feel sorry for the congregants that still show up on Sunday.  

As Daniel points out, "All Are Welcome" is a lofty principle.  Inclusivity requires commitment, it’s not easy to get along with everyone.  So a church that purports “All Are Welcome” on all of their advertising, should actually value the principle of inclusivity.    The Ashland UCC I belonged to from 2010 to 2016, did value an inclusive beloved community.   I faithfully served that church the 6 years I was there. I baked organic Challah bread for every communion Sunday for 5 and half years.  I served three years on the church Council.  And then I served a year, chairing the Buildings and Grounds Team.  

Rev. Pam Shepherd was the pastor when I arrived in 2010.  In her exit interview she is reported to have said, “Our radical welcome is extremely important. That was here when I got here and their commitment to that has been here for years and years and years.  The minister sets the tone for that radical welcome. That radical welcome has to be deliberate. It’s a daily practice.  It’s not a theory.”   

That was the philosophy of the church I was devoted to.

Ashland UCC is an entirely different church now, although it isn’t really a church at all.  The radical welcome they still boast about is actually dead, thrown out with complete disregard.  Not only did they amputate us from the community and ban us from the property but in so doing broke faith with the community of Ashland.  Claiming that everyone is welcome and not even being capable of having a conversation with someone with whom there is a conflict, is simply disingenuous.  

I recognize that a life following Christ is a journey of reaching for an ideal that none of us actually see ourselves transcending into in this lifetime.  The Forgiveness, Kindness and Love of Christ are an example of a human with super-human, God-like capacity.  

I get it. None of us plans to actually get there in this life time.  

The way I see it is that we get a lot of credit for our efforts.  In our attempts to follow Jesus, we work to be more forgiving, loving and kind. We teach ourselves and each other what it is to be more forgiving, loving and kind, and the rippling benefits are incalculable.  That is what I used to believe we were doing at Ashland UCC. That’s what I saw happening.  

However, since January of 2016, Ashland UCC dramatically changed their agenda, apparently, to adopt the mindset of the new minister Reverend Christina Kukuk.  Kukuk’s efforts include: lying, suppression, confusion, silencing, separation, shaming, slander, amputation and finally banning from the property; me, Daniel and principles taught by Jesus.   The ripple effects of these behaviors are also incalculable and amplified by the fact that this deceitful orchestration has been shamelessly enacted by a young woman calling herself a minister.   Because Rev. Kukuk calls herself a minister and wears the little white collar, she has way too much power for a woman of her maturity level and thoroughly regrettable character.  

Jesus taught loving kindness. He also got angry.  If you check the Bible, the one social ill Jesus railed against was religious hypocrisy.  Christina Kukuk is definitely the most hypocritical person I have ever met.   I have posted many documents on this page to show the dishonest words and behaviors of Rev. Kukuk. There is even a revealing recording, where you can actually hear her cold, merciless, lies to the congregation.  It is possible to see individual situations and not think too much of them.  But here, on this site, I have laid out everything.   My desire is to illuminate the clear pattern of pathological dishonesty, which is the corner stone of  Rev. Kukuk’s dark ministry here in Ashland, Oregon.  

I post all of this evidence to set the record straight.  Rev. Kukuk’s efforts to control, shame and mislead everyone led to a very sad series of outcomes.  And somehow, Rev. Kukuk has been handsomely rewarded for her enemy making.  The facts of what happened are clear, but Rev. Kukuk did everything she could to confuse the community she was hired to minister to.  It is much healthier for us as a community that the ruthless attempts to slander, shame and silence truth simply fail.  Rulers, leaders and ministers must be held accountable. Otherwise there is no accountability and very bad behavior is encouraged and rewarded, as has happened at Ashland United Church of Christ.  

We started out in January 2016 with several questions for leadership and have never gotten any answers.  Because no one at the church is, or ever has been, willing to listen to or meet with us (after their threats of April 1, 2016).   Despite many emotional proclamations of their multiple attempts at mediation, the Council has never addressed our concerns.  They did in fact, pay mediators.   

But they never met with us.  

Rev. Kukuk and Becky Martin just lied about it.  We still don’t know what the Council knew.  We don't know how much they were lying as well, or how much they were conned like everyone else.   

This website would not exist if Ashland UCC had not acted with such obvious bad faith.  This page is meant to illuminate the truth of what actually happened, to flip a good church bad.  It is also meant as an example to everyone.  This is the first time in history when scapegoats can have a global voice.  Always before, the “winners” wrote history.   To be crystal clear, I never wanted to embarrass the church on the world stage.  I tried in every way I could to speak to the leadership of Ashland UCC in a direct manner that would not need public airing.  They REFUSED and continue to lie about it.  

What happened at Ashland UCC was dishonest, unethical and slanderous.

Somehow Reverend Kukuk seems to believe that Daniel and I are church garbage that she can throw away with the mighty power of her little white collar.  She seems to be under the misconception that my reputation and my character are hers and that she is free to lie about me at will.   Apparently, the church Council has given her this permission.  

However, as a point of fact, my reputation and Daniel’s reputation, who we are as people in the community, do not belong to Rev. Kukuk or Council members.  Even if they agreed unanimously that we were their possessions and they were entitled to treat us any way they pleased, they were simply incorrect.  They are incorrect about so many things.  

It is also clear that Rev. Kukuk is extremely confused and lacking a moral compass of her own.   Therefore her leadership has been divisive, demoralizing,  and morally bankrupt.    

Rev. Kukuk’s first mistake was in thinking that lying about devoted congregants was a good way to start her ministry here in Ashland.  That is called fouling your nest and even animals know not to do that.  

But further she seems to maintain the belief that assassinating our character is an activity that she is entitled to employ at will.  

She also grossly underestimated who she was dealing with. I’m simply not interested in playing her game. I resist on every level Rev. Kukuk’s deceitful, abusive ministry in Ashland.

My response is this Karmic site.    

Daniel and I are people, not garbage.  

Not only are we people but we took our Ashland UCC Baptism seriously.   The vows we read aloud to the congregation that day:

"I promise, by the grace of God, to be Christ’s disciple, to follow in the way of Jesus, to resist oppression and evil, to show love and justice, and to witness to the work and word of Jesus Christ as fully as I am able."

I see now that those words are a farce on the part of the church.   Ashland United Church of Christ is not united and disregards the teachings of Christ, in order to protect it’s narcissistic leaders.  Now that I see plainly that Ashland UCC is oppressive, I am called to resist.   Rev. Kukuk’s behavior and the bizarre support she rallied around her has called me to resist.  Rev. Kukuk should not be continuously rewarded for her bad behavior. That sends the wrong message.  Rev. Kukuk is likely to think that she’s a doing a good job, because she has been so successful in spreading her ill will and deceit.    She needs correction, not rewards.  

People should be safe in church. People aren’t safe at Ashland UCC.  These are basic truths.  Incredibly, Daniel and I have been conspired against.  It has been crushing, disheartening, disorienting.   All I can think about now is transformation.  I believe that we as a species must evolve now.  Our regressive ideas of separation and "power over" has us all in the fix we are in today.  I believe the necessary part each and every one of us can play in the evolution of our species is to own our very own fearless and searching moral inventory, to face our God, ourselves and our community with the humility to admit our mistakes and missteps and correct our behavior.  The lying, dividing and narcissistic exploitation has got to grow up into a new way of being.  Principles need to replace our misguided ego behaviors.  We all need to attempt to grow out of the sick, self absorbed mind set that has twisted America, by twisting her people.  Allowing ministers to lie about congregants in bad faith does no one any good. 

The inclusive church cannot amputate and throw people out in good faith.  They cannot in good faith continue to advertise "All Are Welcome".  A dishonest church is a disservice to the community.  Although Ashland UCC does not live up to it’s own ethics and principles, if you ask a lawyer, churches do what ever they want, they are not regulated.  

Well, it’s time to challenge that.  

The leadership at Ashland UCC was wrong, over and over, in every attack against us. Slander and lies were used to divide the congregation and destroy the love that had been nurtured under it’s former ministers.  This new minister, Reverend Kukuk, used slander, lies, and shaming to turn Ashland UCC upside down.  She lied about us on multiple occasions from the pulpit. She changed all the rules to suit her immature need for domination.  Her actions were recklessly dishonest and mean.  She acted outside the bounds of stated and documented UCC principles and any measure of modern civil decency.  The church Council apparently sat by like impotent sheep, snapping to consciousness long enough to endorse Rev. Kukuk’s puritanical new policies.  

This page would not exist if the people higher up the food chain at the United Church of Christ - Walter John Boris, The Committee on Ministry, Rev. Bunny Oliver or Elizabeth Dilley  - had shown any regard for me, Daniel or the published ethics of the United Church of Christ.

This page would not exist if Brad Roupp were an honest grown up man.  

A lot of despicable behavior from a lot of religious hypocrites had to line up in perfect opposition to the teachings of Christ for this page to come into existence.  This alignment of religious hypocrites is, seriously, bad news. It’s simply poison for a community.  

The Ashland UCC’s bad behavior, bad faith and bad policies are NOT about me or Daniel.  The clergy and council at Ashland UCC created the pile of bullshit they dumped on us and blamed us for.   It is their pile.   On this site we are laying it all bare, illuminating the real story to the whole world so that the record reflects actual truth, for the sake of transparency, karma and public safety.   

I see now how frighteningly powerful a minister can be.  Especially when that minister appeals to the lowest impulses of her community.  I watched Pam toil for 5 years teaching the lessons of Christ, trying to build a faith community.  But as soon as Rev. Kukuk arrived and started throwing stones, silencing truth and casting people out, the Body of Christ seems to have turned almost instantly into a mob of ill will and self pity.

As I vowed in our baptism, I am compelled to resist oppression and evil and to do what I can to warn everyone away from any association with Rev. Kukuk or Ashland UCC.  

I still believe that we truly are all interconnected.  We are each other's brothers and sisters. Jesus attempted to teach us to love one another.   What is a “Christian minister” that teaches the opposite?  

Rev. Kukuk has no business pretending she is holy or speaking as a minister.  Mean-spirited, narcissistic lies keep falling out of her mouth.  

I offer this site as my honest documentation of the darkness of Ashland United Church of Christ from January 2016, a factual public account.  

As God is my witness,  

L Lauralyn Citizen

Daniel Introducing L

I met L in March of 2014. One of the earliest conversations we had was about her love of Ashland UCC. 

Maybe now we might say there was some naïveté in that sense of faith she had in the authenticity and goodness of the people of that church. What I heard from her at the time was how deeply the community at the UCC had resonated with her personal faith in a living Spirit  - a kind of Spirit that can be a source of solace and guidance through the ups and downs of life. She saw the church and the community of the church as part of that, divinely intertwined with that kind of sacred bond. She would never have expected, in a million years, to encounter the pettiness and bad faith that surfaced in January of 2016 - directed at her, with something like the exact opposite - a spirit of malevolence. 

L had first started attending the church in September of 2010. In 2012 she was asked to be on the Council of the church, by then Pastor Pam Shepherd. This was an unusual invitation, since L was not exactly a successful businesswoman or established community leader. Perhaps what Pastor Pam saw in L was a fierce devotion to the church and to the vision of a beloved community. This is what the church purported to be aspiring towards. In any event, L answered that call and served on the Council for three consecutive years.  

Along with her service on the Council, L began to contribute fresh baked challah loaves for the monthly communion service. Another act of devotion, I witnessed this ritual month after month. She would prepare the loaves for baking usually the night before and often bake them the morning of, so they were still warm when they were served.  

Although she was not making a very flourishing living yet, in the startup phase of her interior painting business, she made amazingly generous contributions of money to the church. I couldn’t quite understand it, other than it was all part of her basic philosophy of acting on her faith, putting her action and resources towards what she cared about most deeply. 

Sunday morning was the high point of her life. She relished the people. She laughed heartily. She loved singing the hymns, especially the “toe-tappers”. We always discussed the sermon afterwards. She loved the social hour in between services. It wasn’t unusual for her to take in two services on a Sunday.  

And so, as she and I grew together, we became regulars at the Sunday Services. I began to play my cello as part of the worship, sometimes along with the hymns, sometimes for special music. It wasn’t unusual to play three or four times a month. I had become aware in the evolving path of my career that I could not afford to play for free, but such was the spirit of the church during 2014 and 2015, that it felt like a good gift to give, and one I would never regret. 

I guess I caught the spirit from L and in my own way, I began to grow in that sense of dedication to the community and the vision. “All are welcome” seemed a huge, generous message to be a part of.  

When I first started attending, the church was in the midst of a transition. Pastor Pam was retiring. The church would look for a new leader. The way this is done is to select an “Interim Pastor” and then work on the selection of a new permanent pastor. L served on the selection committee for the interim pastor. Rather quickly, a new pastor, Diane Hooge was hired as Interim Pastor.  

Then, L served a third year on the Council to ease the transition. Ordinarily, two terms is considered enough. But more than one council member re-upped so that the church could remain on solid footing during this transitional time. 

An ongoing issue the council would deal with was about how to handle the needs of the buildings and grounds. Brad Roupp, a lanky contractor prone to wearing shorts in all seasons, had become something of a folk hero to the church, having taken on an almost complete renovation of the Church a number of years earlier. Since then, he had taken responsibility for particular aspects of the building’s maintenance, but by all accounts, his contribution was not one of attending to all the ongoing details of building maintenance. He showed up when he wanted to, contributing on issues that mattered to him. He had no taste for meetings, and he had developed a reputation for coming across with something like disdain for the various volunteers who from time to time attempted to lend a hand. 

This was the situation that led to L’s involvement with Building and Grounds. Diane Hooge, the interim pastor, had already experienced the difficulty of working with Brad. Brad appeared to consider himself an autonomous force, serving at his own pleasure. The daily and weekly needs of the Church were not his interest. And he made this clear, in frequent pleas to the Council to be given help. It was a difficult situation, since people did not find it particularly easy to “work with” Brad.

Diane’s big brainstorm was to enlist L to be the person with responsibility for building and grounds and to be the primary bridge between Brad and the church. This suited L fine. She thought she could get along with Brad. She loved the idea of contributing her skills. As someone who had done a good deal of renovation herself, she knew what she was getting into and she looked forward to it. As a professional interior painter, she knew she would be bringing her high quality skills to the church and community that she loved.

She took on these responsibilities near the beginning of 2015. Over the course of the year, she contributed something like 250 hours of her time. I kept asking her if she was getting in over her head. She was spending hours every week attending to different needs that are a natural part of maintaining a property with multiple buildings and lots of public traffic. She organized volunteers, and did a lot of the work herself. 

She also appeared to be getting along all right with Brad, although she acknowledged from time to time how difficult he could be. 

One whole episode involved re-painting the front doors of the church, which was part of getting the church ready for Easter Sunday. Brad wanted the doors to be refinished using the same stain technique he had used years ago.  L was willing to paint them.  

Brad wanted the replaced under warranty, this required researching the company that manufactured them. A receipt for the doors could not be found. He continued to delay and resist other obvious solutions. Because of his resistance, the day came when Diane finally insisted that something needed to be done. L followed through and got the doors painted.  This was a fairly typical dynamic. L was concerned with getting things done. Brad was aloof and more concerned with treating the church like his own private airplane model project. At least that was my impression. I could see they weren't going to get much done without someone like L driving the process. 

I only learned later, much later, that during the summer of 2015, at a moment when Brad apparently felt comfortable enough to suggest to L that they “ get to know each other better. You can ask me questions about my life, and about my body”.   L had needed to say definitively to Brad that she would not be doing anything inappropriate with him. Although she wrote about this attempt to proposition her in her journal at the time, she took it as the kind of thing men do almost reflexively, and did not make a big deal about it. Had their work relationship been part of a commercial business, this would have been obviously considered sexual harassment and there would have been consequences. But churches are often immune to standards like these. 

What might this have meant in terms of Brad’s ongoing relationship with L? Is it possible he was pissed at being so forthrightly rejected by her? Of course, we don't know.

By the fall of 2015, Diane Hooge had announced her resignation as Interim Pastor and left. She had stayed well past her original contract, and the Selection Committee seems no closer to finding a suitable candidate. In a way, as I see it now, the Church at this time was left unguarded by grownups. We’ll describe these details in some depth, so you can get the full flavor of everything that happened. But suffice it to say, for now, that what happened after this was so juvenile, so poorly handled, that everyone on the then serving Council should be completely ashamed of themselves. An astonishingly simple conflict was turned into an epic, community-destroying train wreck. Brad behaved like a bully. That could have been easily corrected. But because of her prior alliance with him, Becky Martin, who was then serving as Moderator of the Council, chose to do her best to give him cover. Paula Sohl, the Associate Pastor, colluded with Becky to keep the whole conflict under wraps. The Council went along with Brad’s childish behavior and Becky’s thoughtless and shameless support of him.

To bring this all home, L gave everything she could to the church. She contributed her time, her money and her sense of conscience to the church and it’s community. She regularly baked the communion bread. She served on it’s Council, organized volunteers to work on the building and gave of her own professional services to keep the church looking good.  

When Brad chose to interrupt her work forcefully in January, calling in Becky to assist in the shutdown, there was not one member of the church leadership who was willing to come to her defense. There was not a moment’s hesitation that whatever Brad wanted, Brad should have. No one questioned his overt move to push her out of the work she was doing. No one questioned the way he treated her, which was full of insult, disdain and disrespect. 

To the contrary, it would be L who for the next several months would be cast as the cause of the trouble that started in the sanctuary of the church in January of 2016.  We’ll show on these pages how this was done. It is remarkable. Really, remarkably bad, in a whole host of ways, but there is just one final point to make here, in my introduction to who L has been to the church. 

This is classic scapegoating, a ritual performed by religious tribes over the ages. There is nothing new about it. What is striking is how primitive it feels. Our scapegoating, the effect of which now extends to the entire community of Ashland, is real and potent and diabolical. 

We could debate the reasons why this happened; what were Brad’s motivations, or the Council’s, or the new Pastor, Christina Kukuk’s motivations? These are questions I would love to have more answers to. What we do know, for sure, is that the entire church leadership very deliberately chose to single out L to be excluded, from discussion, from participation, from consideration, and ultimately from belonging, at the Ashland UCC Church. 

That exclusion was ratified at the highest level of review of the national UCC Church. This action reflects on all the congregants of the church. It reflects on the UCC church itself. 

We had bonds with this church and these people. We made those bonds sacred through  baptismal vows intended to hold us together. We were betrayed. And the leaders of the church treated everything they pretend to stand for with amazing, mind-boggling contempt, as if they never even heard of principles Jesus was supposed to have preached. There is much about all of this that remains a mystery. What is not a mystery we will attempt to present in as clear a form as we can make, on these pages.

Excerpt from L's journal:

March 23, 2015

Daniel and I met with Diane (Hooge) at 10 this morning.  Daniel left after we worked out the baptism and I talked to Diane about my own reasons for wanting to be baptized. Just very brief but I was glad to share those things with her and let our own relationship develop.   She thanked me for sharing, it was good.  

When we concluded, I called Brad, as he had requested.     

It was 11, as planned, Brad didn’t pick up. I left a message. 

 I waited a half an hour and left another message, then at 11:50 I sent a text. 

 I went home, he called at about 12:20 while I was cooking eggs, so I let him leave a message.  

He told my voicemail that he had his phone off accidentally and said, "call me back".  

Which I did as soon as I was finished eating.  But didn’t hear anything from him. 

 By 2:30 it was time to go pick up the milk, which I did. 

I called Brad as soon as I got the milk home and refrigerated.

  He picked up and we agreed to meet at 3:15.  We did.  We walked all over and he showed me how stuff worked.  I’m afraid I won’t remember all the technical stuff, I took notes, I did the best I could.  

At the end he said, you don’t have to clear things with me, you can go ahead and do what you think is right.  Which was my perfect lead into the front doors.  Diane mentioned them this morning, that the finish that Brad did when they were new, is degrading at quite a rate.  It looks much worse than it did a month ago.  

We walked around and he showed me that the main door, the one on the right, is failing.  He said they had a lifetime warranty. 

 I said, Well we are still alive.  

He said, That’s right, we are still alive.  

I told him that if we are going to just repair the door, I would volunteer to paint them before Easter.  That spooked him.  He doesn’t want them painted.  He said he would call the window place and ask about replacing them.  But that I should not worry and act as though Easter were some magical deadline.  Which is interesting.  

At the time I was trying to agree with everything he said, but he lost me there.  He wants to be in control… Hopefully he will realize that and release it.  

March 29, 2015  

Our Baptism

Excerpt from L's journal:

March 30, 2015, 7:27p.m.

I walked to the church to meet Diane.  It was a gorgeous day.  We had such a good talk.  I told her where I was on the buildings and grounds front and she had some familiarity with what I was talking about.   She indicated that she was going to talk to the nominating committee and get me someone other than Michael Lessmeier for a co team leader next year.  She had several key pieces that she shared with me.    

That helped flesh out the picture.  But mostly she was appreciative, understanding and encouraging.  She just kept saying, Thank You.  

  I came home from the meeting with a renewed sense of confidence and fortification.   

 On my way out of the alley I spotted David Gabriel coming down the alley behind the UU.  He stopped his vehicle after he turned and said, Hello.  

Hello!  I said, would you like to pull over I’d love the chat with you for bit if you have a minute.  I explained our situation with the complicated windows at the church.  And he just out and out volunteered!  I told him Brad cleans them 3 times a year.  

He said, I could do that.  

Then I went for it.  He usually does them before Easter.  

David looked undaunted and said with an easy confidence,  I’ll check my schedule.  

I walked to the park on a cloud!   I called Brad right away and he said we would have to wash the building the same day and, I’m going to be out of town.  I attempted to persuade him to look at this news as a gift.  Ultimately, we both agreed to let David wash them.  

When Daniel and I got home with pork chops from the coop, I called Michael Lessmeier.  He had met with the contractor and he is working up a bid, for the east side of the building, but the guy didn’t feel it needed to be done this year, maybe not even next year.  Then Michael called Brad.  Apparently Brad was strongly opposed to any work getting done on it this year.  He also mentioned, several times that L was doing wonderful work and a great job, which I don’t mind hearing at all.  

*

Text of letters to:

 Kate Sullivan:

Hi Kate,

Life is good here.   Diane has been truly a spectacular gift from God.  Her sermons are excellent and her connection with us is quite extraordinary especially given her short time status.  I must admit I’m a bit attached, but I look forward to the change of welcoming our new settled pastor too.  

Daniel and I got baptized last week, Palm Sunday.  To was a wonderful experience.  Diane crafted the ceremony specifically for us and we chose the vows we would take.  Then she had the whole congregation bless us with the laying on of hands, which I had never had before.  Clark took great pictures.  Such a Happy day!  

You are right, I am happy.  Daniel is such a blessing!   Our lives are filled with love, church and music.  It is so nourishing to be within walking distance to the church.  We’ve picked up the habit of walking to Taize on Tuesday evenings, we love that service too, with its quiet, reflective, evening tone.  We have even invited non church friends to it and they have been coming!  

I’ve started working on Buildings and Grounds, even though I’m still on Council till June.  B and Gs needed some help.  So I have been painting and trying to get a clear idea of what needs to happen to allow Brad to step back from his constant duties at the church…it’s complicated.  But progress is being made!  ….

*

Letter to Randy Ellison, Mike Skibinski and Michael Lessmeier:

Hi Randy, Mike and Michael,

Thanks so much for our meeting last week.   I have spoken to Brad a couple of times and met with Diane yesterday, clarity is emerging!  

Thanks to Michael for setting up an estimate for the siding issue on the south side of the church.  He met with the contractor yesterday and he is drawing up a bid.  The Great news is that there are many layers of shingles under the layer that we can see, so that side of the building is not as needy as we thought.  He doesn’t see the need for it to be redone this year, perhaps not even next.  

Also I spoke to Brad about the power washing and he insisted that he would wash the building.  He does it with just a hose and he was clear that he wanted to do it.  So Michael and Randy you are off the hook for that, but Thank you for your willingness to help!  

I happened to run into David Gabriel yesterday and explained our complicated window needs and he flat out volunteered to wash the windows three time a year as a gift to the church.  Cue the angels singing!  He shifted his schedule to get them done this Friday, in preparation for Easter.  

Upcoming:

• I am going to be talking to Ron and Chris about what additional duties they are willing and able to take on.
• Randy agreed to shore up the back stairs on the south side of the building.
• I will be in touch with Simon about pruning the tree branches that rub against the building.  
• We will be looking into a mulch day, perhaps calling on more  community hands to spread it.
• I will work on the numbers for next years budget, to be presented at the quarterly meeting on April 19.  

Thank You,  L

Excerpt from L's journal:

April 3, 2015, 2:39p.m

I went in to paint at 9 this morning.   I seriously woke up this morning with my mind on the church and Jesus.  Which is only fitting since it’s Good Friday.  

So I went.  Daniel went with me and helped me load and unload the full five gallon bucket of green that has been in the basement of the church probably for years.  

I had to get it shook and then I got an empty gallon pail and asked them to transfer one gallon out.  Which makes the whole thing more manageable.   I painted the wall behind the coat rack.  I went up the wall 5 feet as planned, the color didn’t match.  So I had to get the big ladder out and do the whole thing. 

I got many of the entry walls done and down the stairs to the landing on the outside.  They were really scuffed and marred and it was only 3 feet.  

I really like to paint.  It made me happy.  I want to paint the whole building.  It’s an outlet for my painterly energy.  And the more I look the more places need a fresh coat.  

It feels really good to have my paint energy going.  Daniel noticed it, you are perked up today.  It’s the painting, it feels good to make something better, especially at church.  

June 6, 2015

Excerpt from L's journal:

When I got up from my nap I tried to go to the dollar store and stop by to see Brad Roupp.  But Ladybug wouldn’t start. 

I sent Brad a text asking if he could recommend a mechanic.  He said he would come over.  He came.  He tried to help me get in touch with a mechanic he knew.  My technology wasn’t helping at all!  Internet wouldn’t work and the smart phone and I were not hitting it off.  It was embarrassing.  And amidst it all, he was flirting with me.  

He offered that I could ask him anything I wanted, anything I wanted to know about his body?

He seemed to be fishing for boundaries.  I said, "I’m not doing anything inappropriate with Brad Roupp."  

Diagnosis

Excerpt from L's journal:

December 30, 2015

Dr. Noodleman’s office called to say the mole they removed from the crest of my cheek bone, just under my right eye, was cancer.  They would need me to come back in to have the root of the mole removed.  

I didn’t like the sound of this.  

I asked, Well the mole was small and just appeared last year, how much cancer could there be?  

She said, she didn’t know.  But she said that the root was heading toward eye, so that they needed to make sure to remove all of it.  

Excerpt from L's journal:

December 31, 2015, 9:56a.m.

New Year’s Eve day.  I have skin cancer. 

Therefore it would appear that I am morbidly depressed.  Yesterday and day before I was so disoriented by the diagnosis that I felt like I was walking through fog.  My world view was on a spinning wheel. Today I am oriented enough to realize I h"ave landed in despair.  

Dr. Kuhl’s office: I asked her if there was anything I could do other than invasive surgery and she was very abrupt and convinced of her opinion. No, you have to get it taken out.

***

Update from November 2017:

I include my cancer diagnosis simply to demonstrate that I was struggling with cancer when Brad picked a fight with me, because I was painting the bathroom of the church.   When I met Christina Kukuk, I was struggling with a cancer diagnosis.

January 12, 2016

Brad confronts L at the church, scolding her for painting the bathroom.

Brad's email

L's response

January 13, 2016, 9:53a.m.

Excerpt from L's journal about contacting Becky Martin:

I sent Brad the email above this morning around 8:40 and then just after 9, I called Becky.  She agreed that it was a tough situation and not appropriate.  I apologized for adding to her full plate.  She was great, you have nothing to be sorry for.  It was good that you called and I was the right person to call.   She promised to give it prayerful consideration and get back to me.  

So that feels right.  I handled it as best I could.   And as Becky said, I have nothing to apologize for.  I wasn’t doing anything wrong.  Brad needs to find his proper place at the church.  It isn’t his kingdom.  

January 16, 2016

Excerpt from L's journal:

I put in a call to David Schultz.  I decided over night that the council needed to have a record of what has gone down with Brad.  Diane is gone, the council is mostly new.  There needs to be a record of Brad’s behavior.  

I realize I can state my reason as, if I worked for Brad, I would have to leave the job.  How he treats me depends on his mood, sometimes he’s super nice, incredibly generous and kind and then there are the times, he dismisses me entirely.  There’s the abhorance for meetings and thus my need for a thorough walk through with Brad.  Rather than being available at the agreed upon time, he kept me waiting for three and half hours.  

I talked to him several times to get him to agree to let me paint the doors.  I sent him an email a few days before, pleading with him to agree that it was needed.  He simply ignored the email.  Completely unwilling to compromise.

Now he’s chastising me and telling me he’s the only one allowed to make color decisions.  Flipping out at me there in the bathroom as if I were vandalizing the place.  Then going home and writing me an additional scolding this time letting me know that other people use the building that everything was decided over a decade ago by committee.  That decisions had to me made by committee.  

Which is in direct contradiction to everything he has ever said to me previously.  

Flipping out on me in the bathroom was so obviously an inappropriate triggered response that I was fairly certain that he would come back and apologize.  Instead, I got a scolding email attempting another angle by which to have complete control.  

Don’t punish me while you are lying!

Wow that statement had such a big impact in my body.  I was shaking so hard.  It’s so deep and real, liars yelling, screeching, growling, admonishing, from a place of righteous indignation.  

That’s the button.  I was fine until the email.  He didn’t check himself.  He didn’t see himself, that scares me.  Now my body feels a threat.  My soul is indignant.  

I’m all trembly and shaky.  Noel (Chatroux, L's therapist) said, “It’s not even about me and I’m even shaking.”  

Meeting between Brad, Becky, L and Daniel - January 19, 2016

Daniel's Account

I am not sure where the suggestion came from to meet with Brad personally. I don’t know if it was L’s idea or mine. I know we were both frustrated with the fact that Becky apparently was not making a priority at all of resolving the conflict that Brad had created by requesting that L stop her work. There was nothing in Becky’s announced agenda to the Council that sounded like it would address the issue. Certainly, if Becky had been planning to address it, she would have had the chance to say so, when we got in touch with Brad to ask for a meeting. Because the next thing we heard from Brad was that Becky would be joining us for the meeting. Of course, we did not object to that. We thought that everyone would be there in good faith to attempt to resolve the dispute that Brad had brought up. 

In retrospect, I am quite sure that Becky had only one intention - to be able to be a witness to Brad’s “side” of the story - to back Brad up. Why do I believe this? Observe the action to come…

When we joined Brad and Becky in one of the classrooms in the downstairs of the church, it was clear that Becky was not “leading” the meeting. She made no attempt to. She didn’t even attempt to clarify her understanding of the dispute. She was letting Brad take the lead. 

Brad immediately took the approach of guiding L through his version of events with questions, in a controlling manner: “ So you remember what I said then?” he said. His attitude was clearly that L was making a big objection for no good reason and she should have just agreed with him when he brought up his objection at the church. In other words, he was the authority and she was not yielding - and that was her fault. 

What he was doing, from the beginning, was claiming that he had not said what L had heard him say, that he had been given, in perpetuity, the decision-making power about any paint color in the church. In other words, from her perspective, and mine, too  - since I had already heard the blow by blow description of how the exchange went down in the church - he was lying from the outset. 

This was immediately quite unnerving to L, because it was obvious that he was attempting to somehow blame L for her strong reaction to his attempt to dictate what was to happen with her work. This became more and more obvious as the conversation went on. L was sticking to what she had heard, and Brad was asserting various different things that were actually in conflict with each other. I heard him assert:

The decision-making needed to be done by a committee. This was odd because the decision-making had been done by a committee. David King-Gabriel was L’s co-chair on the Building and Grounds Committee, and L had discussed with David the fact that she wanted to paint the bathrooms. Of course, L had painted in the building for months, so the question of what shade to use never came up. L is a professional interior painter and she makes good choices. It wasn’t like she was choosing to paint everything canary red all of a sudden. This was a baffling objection that Brad was making because it negated the actual process that had taken place already, in keeping with the process that had gone on for months - which he had never before objected to!

Then he asserted:

“Painters and window washers come and go”

Then he asserted:

“ Painters and window washers ruin buildings”

Being dismissed so forcefully by Brad was making L furious, as you could expect. She had been doing this job for months. Why, out of the blue, was Brad deciding to take a stand of completely strong-arming her into stopping her work? L questioned why he was creating this conflict. Brad claimed he had never been in conflict before. Then he said:

“I don’t know you that well. I don't know why you are so angry. Maybe you get angry like this every month.”.

At a certain point, probably around this time, L turned to Becky and asked her what her role was. Becky was obviously passively witnessing Brad being incredibly disrespectful and dismissive towards L, blaming her for the conflict. I had attempted more than once to interject myself into the conversation, but Brad had little interest in being straightforward with me, either. He was evasive and contradictory.

I asked Brad if this wasn’t about the fact that he wanted control over the decision-making process. He denied that he wanted to even be part of the decision-making process. He claimed he didn’t like being part of committees. He was somehow, in an extremely squirrelly way, trying to claim complete innocence about laying a power trip on the situation, as if he was just intervening on behalf of the church to protect it from the damage that L was doing to it. This was infuriating even to me, and I hadn’t even been involved. He seemed to be quite good at manipulating in real time, and that was what he was doing. 

When L asked Becky what her purpose was, she said she was there “ a silent observer”. It was stunning. When L expressed frustration that Becky wasn’t even expressing her thoughts on what was happening, Becky said, “But L, we love you…”, as if that was supposed to mean something. She had completely abdicated any guiding influence in the conversation. She had “observed” Brad bullying L from the very beginning of the meeting, denying he said what L had heard him say. She had heard him denigrate L based on the fact that she wasn’t dedicated enough to continue in the job, based on the fact that she was a painter who could “ruin the building” and as a woman, based on implying that her reaction to his bullying was caused by her being on her period. 

And after all that Becky had said, literally, nothing. Now she was claiming some kind of benevolent “love” for L. It was astonishing. It was like facing a brick wall of disdain and disrespect and putrid, hypocritical posing.

It wasn’t too long after these last exchanges that L said she felt she had no other choice but to submit her resignation. Brad basically said that was fine with him. It was quite obvious that this is what he wanted. We were disgusted, pretty shell-shocked, and left. 

January 19, 2016, 6:45p.m. 

Excerpt from L's journal:

The meeting with Brad was horrible.  He denied everything and pretended as though I was crazy.  I couldn’t be more triggered.  

He is not trustworthy to look at himself or see himself. 

January 20, 2017

Excerpt from L's journal:

I slept for a few hours but woke up about 2 still in shock from the horror of the conversation with Brad.  The bloody, stinkin, rotten mess of it all.  

I actually have come along way in my thinking about it.  Initially I was so stunned, I wish we had not stayed an hour trying to find common ground, Becky just sat there mute.  Until a bizarre moment in which Brad admitted, You don’t work for me.  And I turned to her to make sure she had caught that and there she sat.  Deer in the headlights, she must have been in shock herself. 

He claimed to have never had a problem with anyone in the church, never a conflict.  He condescended to me the whole time.  “I don’t know if this happens to you every month”.  Was he trying to refer to my cycle?  

At one point he said, “window washers and painters destroy buildings.”  I’m actually glad that he said that.  It hurts my feelings just to hear the words, but the belief that he is sharing is the DNA of the problem.  He sees me as a threat to his building.  He made several statements “anyone can paint.  There’ve been lots of em”. 

"Then they’re gone and I have to deal with it.” 

So he’s been pissed at me the whole time, probably subconsciously.  It was probably doomed to fail.  Such a huge disappointment.  

Under all the sadness around Brad, I’m sad about Buildings and Grounds.  I really care about it.  But what I’m seeing now it that it’s pathological.  It’s his building and he is going to protect it from destructive forces such as myself.  It actually was a progressive conversation.  Because I learned a lot about what it going on for him.  He has always had a problem with my participation.  It has taken different forms but he’s always seen me as a threat that he had to have a tight grip on.  

Later January 20, 2016

Excerpt from L's journal:

I talked to Kim Stein and she was so sweet and supportive and so understood.  She said she would call Becky and call me back.  She did.  When she called back her tone had gone from warm to tolerant.

So I called Becky.

Becky was cold.  I asked her what was happening.  She said, "What do you want from me L? I'm the church."

I responded, "How about an opinion."  I needed to know if she was tracking what had taken place in the meeting with Brad.  She had appeared incapacitated.   

She responded, "You should not have called that meeting without a mediator."  

So she is blaming me!!!

January 21, 2016

I called Paula for help, we met.  She advised me not to read the letter I had written resigning from my chair of Buildings and Grounds.

I called DeeAnne, who advised me to go and resign, use bullet points. 

I attended the council meeting and resigned.

Meanwhile Daniel sent emails to both Brad and Becky attempting dialogue.  

January 24, 2016

email:

Becky and council members, 

I was working for the church in my elected capacity as co chair of Buildings and Grounds.  Brad, objected, told me I “should be responsible” and stormed out.  He later followed up with an email vetoing my work, telling me not to paint anymore until the powers that be, were convened. 

The only opinion Becky has mustered for me in nearly two weeks, is that it was wrong for me to talk to Brad before she set up a mediator. 

The fact that it has been 5 days since the meeting with Brad and I have heard nothing by way of follow up besides admonishment that the meeting took place, is beyond unjust. 

I came to you, Becky, for help.  If you could do nothing except protect Brad you should have called on someone else to be help to me. I was working for the church.

Brad’s objections to my work are not consistent with the team structure the church has been striving to develop.  I made the decision with my committee to paint the bathrooms, for the church.  The fact that you as the church have allowed me to stand alone against Brad for nearly two weeks is atrocious. 

You sat through that meeting with him, allowing him to say:

“painters and window washers destroy buildings”

“Anyone can paint L.”

“I don’t know if this happens to you every month.”    

Along with his endless declarations about committee work that are so blatantly counter to how he has ever actually behaved. 

The fact that you are the Moderator and that you sat through that meeting without expressing one single word in my defense, is astounding.  The fact that you have not clarified anything in response to that meeting except to shame me for having it, is remarkable. 

According to what I understood our team structure to mean, I was doing good work.  You have said so.  Why have you allowed Brad to pretend that he was right to bully me?     

I came to you for help.  I told you I would not feel safe working in the building, so I needed to resign. 

Your response has been.  I love you.  Thank you for your service. 

My understanding is that after I left the council meeting this mess was dumped in Paula’s lap.  The council decided nothing.  Is that right?  The council response is nothing?!    This has been so difficult for me, I needed to leave that meeting.  No one has been in touch to follow up.

Brad’s behavior up until that observed meeting was understandable.  He was triggered, he needed some clarity.  It would have been so easy to clear up the issue.  “Actually Brad, L is head of Buildings and Grounds, what are you doing?”  “Brad maybe you should listen to L and hear her plan.” Or simply, “Brad, that’s not right.” 

Instead, from you I get silence with a little shaming on the side. 

The church’s complete lack willingness to defend me in any way what so ever, is stunning and so very disappointing.      

~  L  

February 1, 2016

L’s journal excerpt:

Daniel packed up his bike and rode to church.  DeeAnne and Karen both mentioned to him that the sermon was for me.  He texted me, I threw on a dress and went.  I got lot of hugs even from Mike Skibinski, Clark, Trish, who said, You are a gift.  

Alima came to the back where I was standing and hugged me and asked me “come sit with us?”  I said yes gladly. She held my hand and ushered me up to the second row between her and Mumi.  They both had an arm around me through the sermon.  Which was all about serving with Love and that Love is the point.   It was perfect for me to hear and amazing to be sitting between a Mumi and Alima, a love sandwich.  

David Schultz approached me and with his quietest voice said, "I’m sorry I feel like I let you down.  I have been praying about what to do and I just don’t know what to do.  I’m sorry."  

I think I am going to ask him to meet me and hear me.  No one wants to hear what happened, which just makes it worse.  

I got a Worship Leader request from David Schultz and that just tipped me over the edge.  He still has not called me.  I left him two distressed messages before that meeting.  Then I resign.  Still nothing.  Then I send a letter, disgusted that there had been no follow up, still nothing.  

February 2. 2016

Excerpt from L's journal:

Daniel called David Schultz this morning to ask if he intended to call me back.  He said, Becky and Paula had told him not to communicate with me.  

I sent Paula a text and a voicemail this morning.  She responded that she could talk this afternoon.  Daniel wrote back on my behalf, I was shaking so bad I couldn’t make a text.  

It is after 3 and I have heard nothing further.  

I was going to go over and sit in Tege’s office until someone addressed my questions.  But I’m so hurt and angry, I’m afraid I won’t be able to represent myself well.  

4:10p.m.

Daniel sent Paula another text, asking what is going on.  No response yet.  

I am So Disgusted with the “leadership” of my church I could scream.  I’m grateful that I will see Noel in the morning.  I think I am going to need to scream some more.  I am so Angry.  Paula!?  Paula?!  Telling David not to respond to me?!?!

A Meeting With Rev. Christina Kukuk - Paula Sohl, L and Daniel in attendance...

February 9, 2016

I want to try to add some clarification to the sequence of events in the early part of 2016, especially to focus on our personal meetings with Rev. Christina Kukuk. 

As I mentioned on the “Community” page, the church leadership likes to make a great deal out of how diligent their efforts were to “resolve the conflict”, although you would have been hard pressed at any time along the way to get any one of the church leaders to either admit that their was a conflict or even describe it in a way that you could understand. 

Giving the church leadership as much of the benefit of the doubt as possible, let’s look at the efforts that Rev. Christina Kukuk personally made, and try to understand what she thought she was doing, how her solutions might have been expected to work. 

In other words, for the moment, we are going to take as sincere the claim that she “was working on conflict resolution”. We are going to come back to her larger claim at the end, but for now, we are homing in on what she did first, and then, what she did later, in terms of actually talking to us. 

In the first meeting, in February, she claimed that there were two issues, 1) a “structural issue” - how the Building and Grounds function was structurally set up, and 2) an “interpersonal issue” between Brad and L. 

Her solution was to offer L an opportunity to do “mediation” with a person who apparently specializes in counseling churches on church issues, communication, etc., with the idea that this “mediation” would include getting face to face with the people L had the conflict with, Brad and Becky. 

Christina did not ask any questions of us at this meeting. She had been briefed by the Council. We don’t know if she had been briefed by Brad. We can be sure she was briefed by Becky. How is it possible that she thought she could be helpful in resolving this obvious conflict, without getting even one short account of the situation from us? Even if we suppose that she is an incredibly astute “conflict resolution” person, is that how such a person would act? 

Another theory is that she is a novice. People at the church love this explanation. It appeals very much to their maternal instincts. It is remarkable that you would decide to follow a novice right off a cliff, but that is what most of them did. 

I don’t really buy the “novice” theory, for a couple of reasons. 

One is, we do know that she insisted on taking the lead on “resolving the conflict”. She could have asked the Council or someone on the Council to address the questions that had been raised. She did not do that. So she definitely had an agenda, and she had some confidence about it. 

The other reason is something I heard from David Schultz a couple of weeks later. David told me he had a lot of confidence in her, because she had been able to “get rid of someone” at another church that she had presided over. That would not have given me confidence, but it was definitely a clue. She has an authoritarian nature. There isn’t anything about anything she has ever done that contradicts that. 

What was the “mediation” supposed to accomplish? We have a clue. At the end of the meeting, she asked us to agree to “not send any more emails to people about this.” All right, so it seems her claim was that we were causing trouble by sending emails to complain about what was happening. And she was offering us “mediation”, in exchange for agreeing to chill out and not talk to anyone else about this situation. 

Did she know that Brad would participate, or how? It turned out that he was adamant about not participating. Either she did know this, and offered the “mediation” to L dishonestly, or she did not know this and…offered the mediation to L dishonestly. Sorry, I can’t see a third option, unless it is rank incompetence. She was obviously using the offer of mediation as leverage, but what was she actually offering? Was L going to get to work anything out with Brad? Either she didn’t know, and therefore it was disingenuous, or she did know, for sure, that Brad would not participate, in which case, that was a pretty underhanded move. 

You could subscribe to the most innocent explanation, which was that she was just winging it. Knowing everything I know now about Christina, I highly doubt that. She is very, very crafty.

Let’s come back to the question, what did she think the “mediation” was going to accomplish, besides providing a reason for us both to cool down and accept her leadership? 

I can think of one other reason. It appeared prudent. Nobody wanted L to be upset. On the other hand, nobody seemed to want to address the fundamental bad behavior that Brad had exhibited. No one seemed to want to address, directly at least, the question about the chain of command. No one was even for a second, claiming that L had been harmed, although we certainly were! No one was acknowledging that it was unnecessary and wrong for her to lose her job on account of what Brad did, even though we certainly felt that it was! None of that was even discussed. 

I did try to make the point that what Brad did was wrong, disrespectful, that he should be held responsible for his poor treatment of her, his bullying , his stopping her work, his casting her as “irresponsible”. These things were way over the line. Even though no one on the Council, or even Paula seemed to care.

I remember Christina saying that she thought this was “unfair”. The meeting was getting tense. She invited everyone to hold hands and pray. 

The invitation from Christina was to take her guidance, get into the “mediation” chute, and stop making waves. 

It is inconclusive from what happened from this meeting what Christina’s true motivations were. I also think we were naive and shell-shocked. We deeply believed that she was going to be wise, simply by virtue of her standing as a minister. This was misguided. We had already been roundly disregarded. Also, we had never had any experience with “mediation”. We did not have any idea what a flawed process that could be. And we didn’t understand church politics at all.

Later, in a conversation with Javan, I began to understand the politics of the situation. From the point of view of “structure”, there really wasn’t any conflict. There was an already established church structure to handle decisions regarding Building and Grounds. That was the Building and Grounds Committee. L was the chair. Brad did not have any official authority, at all. No one even claimed he did. The structure should have been clear. The answer to the question that Brad had about decisions to be made by the Building and Grounds Committee could have been, “ Get on the committee! If you want input, go to a meeting!”. 

None of that was straightforward. Brad had an unspoken authority, and he also had unspoken need to be protected from any taint of wrongdoing. It seems clear in retrospect that Christina was aware of these things and that her offer for mediation was not intended to actually solve anything, but to give L at least a temporary feeling that there was something she could trust and also, to stop the conflict from escalating further to the rest of the church. 

As I said, this is all inconclusive. It is telling that Christina had zero interest in asking us any questions. She was not at all sympathetic to the point of view that Brad had done something wrong. These were tell-tale signs, but we did not pay too much attention to them. The meeting was vaguely dissatisfying, and troubling - not at all what we expected. But we were feeling disoriented enough that we accepted the invitation for mediation. It seemed like the best hope at the time. 

February 11, 2016

Journal excerpt:

David Schultz called me tonight.  He said that everyone on the council wanted me to know how much they appreciated all I have done for the church.  That he wanted to communicate with me and keep me up to date on what decisions were made.  He apologized for assuming what I needed was a spiritual therapist.  He apologized for leaving me hanging and not calling and for the council taking so long.  He said that no one thought I was wrong to paint the bathroom.   

It was 13 minutes and made me feel So Much Better.  He spoke to me like a friend who cared.  That was Huge.  

February 19, 2016

Meeting with Becky and Karen McClintock

Excerpt for L’s journal

Karen started out with a summary of boundaries.  Which she read aloud because I couldn’t find my glasses.  But it stated very clearly what would happen and how.  

She was amazing.  It turns out Diane called her!  

It was like the referee finally showed up after 5 weeks and even though Becky still didn’t really get it, Karen really did.  It was spectacular.  She explained scapegoating to Becky and Becky nodded.  She asked her if she wanted to apologize.    When I told her that Becky sat in the meeting silent, as the Moderator she said, "You can’t do that, you can’t wear two hats."    

Becky admitted that she didn’t know what she was doing and that she should not have been at the meeting.  She claimed that her being there was creating a safe container for everyone.  

Karen acknowledged that I have been wounded repeatedly.  Karen acknowledged everything.  When I said I wanted Brad’s bullying to be addressed, she grabbed it.   When I explained that no one wanted to even look at the bullying, she immediately understood.  “That’s the petri dish.”  

She said that it would be important for the church for Brad and I to have a mediated conversation.  She got it!   The church has contracted to spend $1000 on her services.  She is going to meet with the whole council.  

I feel like I can let go of it now.  She has it now.  I will meet with Brad and I can look forward to that no.  

But today was such an incredible gift.  I feel like I might sleep tonight.

February 26, 2016 

Excerpt from L's journal:

Karen spoke with complete reversal of all the progress we seemed to make in the meeting with Becky last week.  She started the session with; Brad is not going to meet with you.  You need to find another church and deal with your disappointment.  I was completely disoriented.  I didn’t ask enough questions because I was so prepared for moving forward.

What happened in her meeting with Brad?  

She said she was relieved that he wouldn’t meet with me.  What does that mean?  

February 28, 2016

Excerpt from L's journal

Since Tege shared with me how rocky a start Christina has had, missing appointments, now showing up at the church, being late.  Plus how far behind the council is on accomplishing the work of the church year, like the budget and the stewardship campaign.  It looks like leadership is failing.  And now that I realize that Becky is not ok, I see how disconcerting it is that she has been in charge and is still in charge.  

Christina is here but apparently has not hit the ground running.  Of course the ground (Brad’s ego) was erupting as she landed.   Looking at the church from here is extremely disconcerting. 

God Bless Christina and her family.   

March 4, 2016

Except from L’s Journal:

I guess what I am coming to, is that a reasonable boundary needs to be set for Brad.  The boundaryless situation that Becky created needs to be repaired.   We need to know that Brad has limits on his whims.  Because his whims are not healthy or acceptable.  If he has no boundaries for himself, we will have to introduce him to some.  This is our community, not Brad’s.  

Our congregation cannot allow Brad to be in charge with this egoic disrespect.  That is simply not ok.  I will not be quiet until this situation is set right by Ashland UCC.  Until Ashland UCC is no longer the Church of Brad.  As long as it continues to cater to Brad’s unjust behavior, I will keep rattling the cage.

I may never feel great about my church again, I may ultimately leave the church and Brad can have his corrupted platform, where Jesus is irrelevant and everyone coddles the man-child.  

But so far, our “leadership” has not been capable of leading where it comes to Brad.  But the truth underneath is supposed to be that we are a congregational church and so ultimately the church is the congregation.  

Daniel said this morning that if the “leadership” does not get this resolved he wants to be at the next congregational meeting and illuminate situation.  

My hope is that at some point the leadership begins to appear functional and principled.   I think that they have good intentions, just no collective spine.  Brad has them over a barrel, which was barely tolerable.  But now that he has behaved abusively, I will no longer tolerate his childish egoic bullshit.  Not one more incident.   

March 18, 2016

Excerpt from L's journal

8:34p.m.I did a lot to walking today.  I walked up to the switch back this morning and walked to my prayer boulder around 2.  Daniel and I talked to Dee Anne on speaker phone.  She was wonderful and solid as always.  She said she was sorry and embarrassed the church had handled things terribly from the very beginning.  She said on the first day someone should have said Brad, stop, you owe L an apology.  

It would have been over.  

She said, that’s what a grown up would have done.  

But we seem to be out of grown ups.  Indeed.  

She reminded me not to take this personally as much as possible.  Which is so important to remember.   She also said, we have a very dysfunctional church.  And that is helpful, because boy howdy!  

She said that Christina is working really hard on this, maybe too hard.  I think this was her kindest possible way of saying she was being over controlling.  

Her first point was, Christina is very young.  Her second point was, this situation is a pile of burning poop.  Which are both undeniable truths.  

I thanked her profusely for helping to orient me.  Christina behaving like that toward Daniel at a council meeting feels so off target to me.   And her view seemed confused.  It feels like another death.  Another instance of the church letting us down, treating us as adversaries.  I have been grieving for months about  about the church, Christina’s treatment of Daniel at the council meeting is a new layer.  

Daniel Meets with the Ashland UCC Council - March 17, 2016

After the various communications that had come from Christina, I wanted to go to a Council Meeting to get a better sense of what was going on in response to the conflict with Brad. I believed that the Council should address the fact of Brad’s bullying behavior. As things had been left, Brad appeared to feel he was above any kind of constraint. He had not agreed to mediate. He obviously felt it was his right to interfere and then to dictate whatever happened with Building and Grounds, without any kind of oversight. This had already caused a very bad outcome. 

His action was destructive, and yet, apparently L’s response had begun to be cast as part of the problem, with Christina’s authoritative declaration that the two were having a “personal conflict”. 

That view of the conflict missed what had happened. Brad’s behavior could easily be judged on it’s own merit, and found lacking. First of all, what was his complaint? Was it about the paint color? That made no sense. Was it about the line of authority? That didn't make sense either. He had tried several different lines of logic at the meeting we had with him and Becky and none of them made sense.

And what right did he have to treat L with such disrespect in the first place? That was worth a discussion all by itself. A valued member of the community who was contributing dozens of hours of volunteer work had been chased off by his behavior. What was the Council doing to insure that this would never happen again? 

At the same time, Christina’s handling of the situation did not bode well.  The mediator that the church hired, Karen McLintock, had quickly seen that L had been bullied and scapegoated and then went through a mysterious shift after talking to Brad. What did Christina know about any of this? She was opaque. 

Christina was communicating that the “ mediation process was over”. What had been the point of the mediation in the first place, other than to serve as a cover for “dealing with the conflict”?

I was quite restless about everything that had happened, alternatively infuriated and baffled. Christina’s communications had been remarkably cold. 

Looking at it after months of reflection, I now realize so much of what went on included missed opportunities. You can always look back and say, “I should have done this!”. Here is an example: our first meeting with Christina, right after she arrived. She had never asked to hear our version of what happened. We had not insisted. We were not being good advocates for ourselves. She had arrived at her first meeting with us with her solution in hand, without hearing anything about what had happened from us directly. Why was that? We were being herded, it seemed - snowed, in some strange way…

In retrospect, I was far too naive about what was happening. I have come to the conclusion that when you have more then two incidents of someone or a group of people disregarding you, you are facing a genuine dragon. By that I mean someone who does not have your best interests at heart; a nemesis. We were not seeing this clearly. We really wanted to believe that our belief in the church and it’s leaders was not misplaced. 

Even so, we had ample evidence by this time of bad faith from Paula, from Becky and from Christina. A simple review of what had already happened should have prepared me for what happened at this council meeting.

I walked from our house, walked through the cemetery on Morton Street, sat outside the door to the Shepherd Room, until I was called in.

When Becky introduced the topic, I began to talk. I was saying I wanted to know what had been done. Everyone looked at me with blank stares, as if they couldn’t understand what I was so unhappy about. 

I kept going. I wanted them to know what a failure I thought it was, for the church to mishandle this conflict so badly that someone really important to the community was lost in the process. Still, the sound of crickets. Very uncomfortable, all around. 

After a bit, maybe five minutes, Christina started interrupting me, contradicting me, obviously trying to set me straight. The whole Council, to a person, was deferring to her. It was as if she had been designated to think for them and defend them against me. Her approach was aggressive and attacking, shaming, exasperated. She pulled out everything she had. She claimed that they had mediated, so why were we still not over this? I said the mediator had concluded that L had been bullied by Brad. Christina was aghast that I would say this since the mediation was supposed to be confidential. I said “why is it confidential? What are we trying to hide? Who is being protected, the church?”. She said I shouldn't use the word “bullied”. She was correcting my language. 

I said that Brad needed to be held accountable. There was general agreement that they weren’t going to do that. I said it sounded like no one had spoken to him about this. Becky said that they weren't going to say if they did or they didn’t. They said I didn’t know if anyone had, and they weren’t going to tell me. In other words, clearly, they did not see any need to hold him accountable for anything. John Love introduced a paper that was describing how Building and Grounds was being re-organized. This included some verbiage about the “award-winning renovation of Brad Roupp”. It was obvious that they weren’t really doing anything besides trying to make Brad feel better about himself. Whatever it was that I was bringing up just seemed baffling to them. They couldn’t understand it. 

At one point Ward Wilson said he did not understand what we wanted besides for them to “take L’s side”. This was really strange to me, because I didn’t see it that way at all. It wasn’t about Brad or L. It was about what was right for the church and how we treat each other as a community. It wasn't a personal argument between them. 

Christina said the only other thing she could do would be to introduce a behavioral covenant that members of the church would have to follow. She said if she introduced a behavioral covenant that was for everyone, it would involve “public shaming”. She was saying that we would be “publicly shamed” for what we had done. This was completely baffling to me. I said I didn't know what we had to be ashamed about. She asked me if I was willing to give input on a behavioral covenant for the whole church. I thought she was talking about some kind of standard of conduct that everyone would follow. I thought that might address Brad’s behavior. I did not have any real idea what her game plan was, only that she was being very adversarial, not at all sympathetic and that she was doing her very best to handicap me from even talking about the situation - in front of everyone else. It was a very, very creepy dynamic, as if she was trying to demonstrate her power to dominate me, in front of the group. And they were being very, very weak, not engaging in any way that would generate any movement in the discussion at all. 

It was done, this last round with Christina. She made it sound like there was a way forward that would involve the whole church. That seemed like it might be fair, to me, so I agreed that I was open to that. None of this was comfortable, at all. I felt I had been ambushed. It was scary and sad. I walked home and gathered my thoughts…

L and Daniel meet with Rev. Christina Kukuk a second time

 March 22, 2016

By the time we were having this meeting with Christina, the tension had escalated greatly. The “mediation” had failed miserably. First, Karen McClintock seemed to have completely understood the mistakes that had been made. Then, after conversations with Brad and Christina, she changed her tune entirely, encouraging L to leave the church. That was shocking. What was up with that? It was seriously unsettling.

And the Council Meeting that I had attended was further evidence that something really, really wrong was afoot. Most of the Council members had sat cluelessly while Christina attempted to excoriate me for even having a problem with how the issues that had come up had been handled. None of these were good signs. 

Christina’s correspondence with L through the intervening month had also been extremely troubling. She clearly did not want to engage. And when she did engage, it was with a mystifying coolness. 

All of this meant that the meeting we had with Christina in a downstairs office of the church in late March was almost guaranteed to be tense, and it was, indeed, very difficult. 

I want to drop back to what we now know and put what happened that afternoon into the context of what happened later. 

The story that is told about the church is of their long-suffering attempts to work with us, to resolve the issues we had. There is also a theme that we only know mostly by rumor or hearsay, which is the charge that we were “harmful”. I think it is very possible that both of these “legends” got sealed into place at this meeting with Christina.

Christina found both of us difficult because we were asking her hard questions. For one thing, she lied to my face about what she had said at the Council meeting. Well, of course, I wasn’t going to sit there and accept that. I knew what I had heard, and when I pressed her, it was clear that she did, indeed, hold the opinion that we had been “harmful”. This was a new concept to me. You raise an objection to something and you are being “harmful”. This is an extremely slimy tactic. 

L, likewise, had questions for Christina about her disrespectful emails. It was quite stunning for both L and I that we were being accused of being “harmful”, when we had so far been subject to quite a lot of disrespect, personally, from the minister. The one you would have thought was going to be the strong one, the clear one, was gas lighting us! She was doing her best to cast us as the problem children who she had to corral into an agreement to cooperate based on rules of her choosing. Although she claimed that we could have “input” into the “behavioral covenant”, it became clear later that she did not have the slightest interest in our input. 

There is no great need to go on in detail about this meeting. In many ways, it was vicious, because of the degree to which she had no interest in hearing us, cooperating with us, considering a different view of the situation than her own. And the whole time, she had this holier than thou demeanor about her, as if our mere presence was a stinging affront to her. 

I came away knowing in my bones that she was slimy, and expert, all at the same time. It had been a disorienting two hours. And it would be the last time we would ever have to ask her any direct questions. 

Whether she had a plan cooked up yet as to how she would deal with us, I don’t know. But two things, for sure, seemed to have been cemented in her from that meeting, at least as far as I can tell from her behavior since then...

One was the idea that she seemed to be adamant: that she was trying so hard to “resolve the conflict” with her coercive “behavioral covenant”. Not with asking questions. Not with being open to ideas. Her idea was that she had the solution. It was the right solution, the only solution. And she was doing her best to convince us to get on board. 

The other was the idea about how “harmful” we were to her, asking her direct questions, questioning if she was even telling the truth, pressing her to say what she really believed, rather than speak in vague terms about righteousness and rather than posturing as the all-knowing arbiter of truth she wanted us to believe her to be. We were attempting to challenge her to be real.  Apparently, from that point on, she determined to find a way to stop us from doing that. 

We ended this meeting with a promise from Christina that she would meet with us again to discuss everything further. She broke that promise a few days later with an email demanding that we contribute to the covenant she had ordered, and have it under her door on Easter Sunday.

March 28, 2016

Daniel met with David Schultz:

Excerpt from L’s journal:

David shared the he has confidence in Christina because she knows how to get rid of people.  What!?!

March 31, 2016

David Schultz called to arrange a meeting

Excerpt from L’s Journal:

I got a message from David that sounded very politic.  I called him back.  Daniel and I are meeting Kim and David at the church 10 tomorrow morning.  He said it will only take a few minutes.  I asked is this a friendly meeting David?  

He said, Would it be anything else between you and I? 

I said, I don’t know, I’ve been burned.  

He said, It is my hope and my prayer that we will all leave the meeting feeling better than we did before.  

I have such a sick feeling about it.  Sick about meeting “leadership” at the church.  I feel like this is Christina’s response.  Not direct, she only makes the rules she doesn’t live by them.  I feel like this meeting is her trying another route to exert power over us.   And I have a huge problem with power over in all it’s forms, but religious power over, I cannot abide.  

They chose the two people on council I trust most and I like them both.  I hope they don’t turn out to be stupid.  I’m so tired of my church.  I feel so close to leaving.

 I was good earlier.  Maybe the meeting won’t suck.  Maybe we will feel better.  The chances feel beyond slim, it sounds so ominous.  

4.1.2016 April Fools’ Papers Covenant and Gag Order

“The conflict” that Rev. Kukuk, Becky Martin and Council elude to is Brad bullying me in the bathroom and then again later in a meeting where Becky sat in (apparently there to protect Brad while he verbally abused me).  Somehow that “conflict” can never be discussed but it was always referred to as the reason for turmoil between me, Daniel and the church.  As a matter of fact: Brad bullying me in the bathroom and even Becky sitting in silently while he showered me with insults and lies, are NOT “the conflict”.  

The reason for turmoil between Daniel, me and the church is Rev. Kukuk’s Emergency Council Meeting on March 30, the lies she told and all of the rotten fruit her lying has produced.    

The covenant and gag order/cover letter represent a significant departure from integrity on the part of Rev. Kukuk, Brad Roupp and Becky Martin.  Daniel and I were the other parties in the original conflict and we played no part in creating the radical new rules, that the three of them deemed we would follow, or be cast out of community.  

These two sheets of paper have been referred to by Rev. Kukuk and Becky Martin as the churches “restorative process”.  This points out a central issue of the corruption that pervades the leadership of Ashland United Church of Christ: the distortion of words.  A restorative process would have as it’s goal to restore relationships or harmony or community.  But Rev. Kukuk, Becky and Brad were determined to amputate us from the community, by whatever means necessary.  So the term "restorative process" was used to mislead.  As so many terms have been. Mutilation of language is a key element of Rev. Kukuk’s ministerial style.   

This is made abundantly clear by the content of the cover letter and covenant with which Daniel and I were served on April 1, 2016.  

Paragraph 3 of the cover letter states: 

“We request that the parties to this behavioral covenant not contact Rev. Kukuk, Rev Sohl, Council lay leaders or members by email, text, phone or in person to discuss the incident that took place or to discuss the restorative processes thereafter.  The Council will keep all parties informed about their next steps.” 

This is two ministers and a Council “requesting” we not to communicate with anyone about what happened in the bathroom in any way.  The Council had not yet talked to us about what happened and are now in these pages punishing us further and threatening us for failure to comply with their increasingly insane efforts not to communicate.  

It is important to note that along with this gag order we were told verbally that Rev. Kukuk would have NO further contact with us.   This detail is incredibly significant.  Rev. Kukuk had just staged an Emergency Council Meeting that felt very prestigious for Council to get to attend. I’m sure with all the urgent drama Rev. Kukuk called her Emergency meeting an Executive Session.  The Executive Session has unlimited power and whatever goes on must remain confidential forever.  That confidential meeting profoundly disrupted the course of my life, Daniel’s life and the life of the entire church. Because Rev. Kukuk lied.  Immediately afterward, we are being informed through Council members that we are never allowed to communicate with Rev. Kukuk again.  And we are being threatened with removal.  

That smells really bad.    

(I participated in an Executive Session, when I was on Council in 2015, when Diane was interim and Clark Custodio was Moderator.  At the time, I found the form deeply disquieting.  The thing that was so terrifying about it was that there is no accountability.  This is a very bad form for Rev. Kukuk or Becky Martin ever to be involved in.  They are pathologically dishonest.) 

The Executive Session, I suppose, has been considered an efficient way to make leadership decisions at church.  But what if the brand new minister who is clearly in over her head, calls such a meeting to lie about L and Daniel?  Lies so damning that she convinces Council that Daniel and L are a danger to the church.  And further convinces them they they should never communicate with Daniel and L after serving them with papers.  

When the truth is Daniel and L refused her homework assignment.  That is not an emergency.  That sounds like a minister throwing an unholy tantrum.  

The lies Rev. Kukuk told about Daniel and L are the very seed of Rev. Kukuk’s ministry.  She has told lie after lie after lie in support of her first Emergency Council Meeting lie.  The Council rushed in to support their floundering minister and when she had them all assembled, worried sick about what the Emergency might be,  she cried.  And she lied.  

We were convicted of something “harmful” and the whole ugly affair was deemed forever confidential.  Except for the newly minted idea that Daniel and L are “harmful”. That was made new  gospel. 

Confidentiality is a concept that Rev. Kukuk uses to sound prudent and ministerial when she is covering for her lies.  More abuse of language.

I’m guessing that once Rev. Kukuk had convicted us of her made up crimes, she presented the covenant rules with cover letter as the church solution to the problem of Daniel and L.  

I will never comprehend how all of Council went for this plan.  These papers are  straight up stupid.  

A list of rules “In the way of Jesus” by Rev. Kukuk, Brad and Becky, apparently without any ethical, theological or moral considerations, whatsoever.

Rule number 3 is “I will be honest and directly communicate with others.”  

The hypocrisy of this rule closely parallels the other rules but this one is particularly striking.    The Council directing us “to be honest and directly communicate with others”.  With the gag order on the other sheet.  And Rev. Kukuk, Becky and Brad are refusing to being honest and direct while serving us their rules. They have yet to be honest either about themselves or me.  And have yet to communicate with Daniel and/ or I directly.   

They may as well call this: 8 Rules of Religious Hypocrisy.   

But instead they called this naked stupidity “the way of Jesus”. 

The people on Council appear to have the developmental skills of junior high school students from bad homes.  They have no problem making up a list of rules that they are going to demand that we grown ups abide by.  They are proposing that they are the judge and the jury for any infractions to their list of rules.   They are both agreeing to and exempt from their rules at the same time.  And they will not discuss or justify their logic, intentions, or ethics about this extremely insulting pile of horse shit.    

The proposition of our signing such ridiculous documents is beyond absurd.  I can’t tell if the folks on Council are simply dim witted and don’t understand what convictions are, or they are in a collective trance that tells them that they must protect their ridiculous minister, beyond all reason.  

THAT is “the conflict.”

Council members who helped :

Moderator Becky Martin

Kim Stien 

David Schultz

Michael Lessmeier

John Love

Bob Jessop 

Linda Anderson

Ward Wilson

Regardless of the cognition of any of these Council members, they have been united in their opposition to reason and decency.

  I called David Schultz 5 days after receiving these two pages and told him the covenant is abusive “Unwise, Unconstitutional and Uncongregational.   

David’s response was, “Well L, it was unanimous. You don’t have a choice.”

Later Rev. Kukuk referred to this exchange as parties “received another invitation to participate in the covenant.”  Again, Rev. Kukuk mutilating language.

April 2, 2016

5:21p.m.  I no longer have a church.   Ashland UCC has declared itself entirely unfit.  I’m devastated.  I had another rough night trying to sleep.  My stitched eye is quite sore and it kept jarring me, it seems a bit upset.  I have another migraine, every night for at least four in a row.  My church is threatening me with removal apparently because Christina cried.   They had to save her and threatening us seemed like the next right step in their process of complete incompetence.  

Christina is apparently a manipulative child.    What is she accusing us of?   They want to keep everything hidden and elude to all the damage we have done, no one wants to face anything, most especially themselves.  

I did a nice meditation and I also gave the church to God, it’s all too convoluted to figure out.  I will wait for inspiration but I will also talk to people.  All their efforts to shame me into silence make me so talkative.  And it’s so obvious a result, it’s hard to comprehend how they don’t see it.  They all seem to be rather shallow thinkers.  It didn’t appear that Kim or David had ever considered that Becky is unfit.  They said she will be moderator for another year. They both were completely checked out about Becky.  

No thinking.  It’s all so very strange.  That with all the training, resources and time they have devoted to this they continue to attempt to manage us withcomplete idiocy.  They don’t even realize their idiocy, it’s rather extraordinary.  

The question begs louder and louder, what the fuck is wrong with Karen McClintock?   This is her advice?  She’s a psychotherapist, does this technique work for someone?  Or is she making a living off screwing churches?   

April 10, 2016

Excerpt from L’s journal:

Lisa went to the 10:30 service and the Congregational meeting afterward.   Christina introduced the conflict without using names in the sermon and began the process of trying to sell the behavioral covenant to the congregation.  It was all voluntary and mutually agreed upon and inclusive.  Nothing like our behavioral covenant.  

There was no humility apparently in her presentation.  Lisa was very reassured.  

Jim brought up the covenant at the end of the Congregational Meeting.  There was some discussion.  Someone asked it the conflict had been resolved and Kukuk was silent long enough for Ron Dulaney to say, well that answers that.  The hideous covenant that they offered us was not brought up.  And she welcomed anyone who wanted to talk about the conflict to come see her.  Which is strikingly different than the gag order we got.  

It agitates me greatly that the whole thing was talked about and once again I am not represented at all.  But I guess no one said my name so most people were probably confused.  Although when the Restorative Circle idea was raised, she claimed that that would not be appropriate in this case because they would need mental health professionals.  Joanna Neimann, self proclaimed expert on Restorative Circles stood up to support Rev. Kukuk's profoundly slimey assertion.    

9: 16p.m.   I made it through another Sunday away from my former church.   I need  to sooth my nervous system from all the trauma and grief.  

I realized at some point yesterday that I am in trauma so I need to take it one day at a time.  I can’t know where this loss leads.  It feels scary and wrong and tragic and I have so much to heal and let go of and coping with the futility of even hoping to find a new community that feels like church used to feel.    Most of the time lately, it has felt meaningless.  I needed the church to tap into joy, to be in hallelujah.  A weekly ritual that  I cherished, it was routinely my favorite hour of the week.  

April 12, 2016

Excerpt from L’s journal:
The church council does not seem to factor into their coventry that the meeting they had to engineer the new law “in the way of Jesus” puts them in violation of the very rules they are proposing to enforce.

These are unwise documents. Indeed they cancel one another out. One has a gag order. And let us all be suspicious when any religious person leads with a gag order. The other page declared that we “Speak up”.
At the bottom is the most disconcerting part of all. The threat of removal from the life the church.

This is where the Council and ministers are threatening us.

When I objected to this these pages because they are “unwise, unconstitutional, uncongregationational, David’s response was. “Well L, it was unanimous. You don’t have a choice.”
At a congregational church, the congregation must be consulted if the church shifts into excommunicating people. I notice that they don’t explicitly explain the process by which one is deemed out.

But I would certainly be curious to know what particular power they were exerting in that threat. I’m not picking up on a discerning process. Making rules that you don’t live by is not something I support. Insisting obedience to rules that bare no integrity, does not make me docile.

However it does make Ashland UCC out of integrity with its own values and no longer a safe place.

I’m sort of throbbing right now. All the loss, all the waste, none of it was in the natural coarse of events. It’s fear and smallness, racing in the opposite direction of Jesus. Lying religious authority, what could be more reprehensible? I am repulsed by all of leadership now.

I can’t believe that Christina is so lowly. I cannot believe it.
I can’t believe the whole council caved to threatening in the name of Jesus. To save Christina? Or because she cried?

Update from November 16, 2017:

This journal entry reveals a crucial element of what took place at Ashland UCC. I was in shock from receiving such oddly unwise and regressive papers and being treated with such obvious, aggressive ill will by the new minister.

I stated, “I can’t believe that Christina is so lowly. I can’t believe it.”

From what I can tell, the congregation at Ashland UCC, felt the same way. They could not believe that the person they had hired to be their minister would so boldly lie about congregants. The thought was too ugly so they refused to think it. I understand how they felt. The only reason I have come to accept as fact that Rev. Kukuk was constantly lying about us, is because we lived through what actually happened and Rev. Kukuk was constantly lying about us.

It is both extremely disturbing and reality. 

April 14, 2016, 6:54a.m.
I sent Joanna an email this morning. I was hot when I wrote it and I’m hot still. I felt so strongly that right now when people are asking about restoration she is preening herself as the expert and her toxic opinion is becoming church decision! I hope that my message will give her pause.

Joanna,
I am horrified to hear that you have been declaring your expertise regarding the RC process as inappropriate to address the conflicts at church. I am astounded to hear that you are proclaiming your expert judgements while not having the integrity to return my call. I wonder what your judgements would be if you were informed? I wonder if you know what Christina is actually doing at the church? Do you know about her gag orders?

Do you know she has quietly institutionalized policy threatening congregants with "release from membership and participation in the life of the church"?
Are you aware that she is comfortable using Jesus as her weapon?

I cannot comprehend how you lord over the RC process as if you had some dedication to....something. How have you allowed your judgments to be the toxic guide posts for Dominic's model?

I am not asking you these questions for a response. I have no reason to trust you, so it doesn't matter to me what you might say in return.
But as a person who deeply loved what my church used to be and as a person who believes in the potential decency of Restorative Circles, Please STOP proclaiming your expertise.

At the very least: First do no harm!

For the love of Christ, ~L

April 15, 2016, 6:01p.m.

I finally went over to talk to Javan and Alex.  They were so great.  Alex is feisty and Javan was a minister, so thoughtful and wise.  It was therapeutic to tell them and to be heard.  They felt it deeply and we all apologized to one another repeatedly.  It all hurts so much.  

But it was also so very therapeutic, because they are the real deal.   Alex was super pissed about the gag order.  "I’ll talk to who ever I want to!"  

When I got to the part in the story when I said and we were served with these papers. 

Javan called out, “No!”  They were both blown away, of course.  Alex kept reading the papers and grabbing her face in her hands.  It’s horrifying, classic religious abuse.  It’s an epic story.  But they are true Jesus people and they are people with principles and a deep love of church.  They built their lives around this church too.  Javan is already planning his meeting with Christina.  But he said, this makes her not right to be our minister.  This is huge.  

And indeed it is.  

Becky and Brad have been such arrogant fools.  They should be ashamed of themselves.  I wonder if any of them fathom what they have done?

May 13, 2016

Excerpt from L’s journal:

Oh my God, Walter John Boris!!! Woo Hoo!! Daniel called him, SCORE!!!   He said the conflict needs to be brought to the Congregation!!!  That there was no precedent for excommunication with the UCC.       

This is a such a huge relief, for both of us and between us, a huge relief.  There will be a congregational meeting!   No one can prevent it.  Great joy and relief.  Thank you God!!  Thank you Daniel for pressing on.  I feel like a congregational meeting can clear the air more effectively than anything.   Leadership can get a huge dose of humility, as will Brad and it will be to everyone’s benefit.  Also I don’t think Christina has the constitution to stick it out.    She couldn’t handle and third meeting with Daniel and I.  That is not a very strong woman.  She’s a child.  

But it shall be revealed.  The best possible news came from Walter John Boris, who’d a thunk?!   Hot diggity.  Glory, glory hallelujah!!

Preface to Alex and Javan Reid’s letter to council of May 16, 2016.  (Written 11.16.2017)

The letter below represents the best efforts of Alex and Javan Reid’s attempt to reason with the clergy and council of Ashland UCC.  

This was sent to L and Daniel prior to sending it to the council. We do not have a record of the salutations that the Reid’s opened and closed with.  They would have crafted the salutations with as much care and consideration as they did with the body of the message.  

 Javan Reid was a Presbyterian church minister for something like 30 years. Alexandra is his wife and I see her as something like the perfect minister's wife. 

They are people of deep faith and held our church as a sacred place, housing a precious community, centered around the Good News.   They were deeply concerned by the radical changes ushered in by Rev. Kukuk and the council's peculiar acceptance of remarkably dogmatic behavior.  They were attempting in the most diplomatic way possible to address council and clergy.  

The response to this letter was rude.  

The Reid’s letter to council, minus salutations:

We are grateful for the invitation to come to the Council meeting this Thursday and request mediation.  We wanted to let you know ahead of time our intentions for that petition.

    •    Daniel & L will come and be available to speak as necessary; Karen, Lisa, Javan and I will come with prepared statements which we would like to present one after the other before answering questions or entering into discussion;

    •    The six of us have agreed among ourselves to speak calmly and without anger, with the intent that the words of our mouths and the meditations of our hearts be acceptable to God;

    •    We come in peace with the goal of reconciliation, believing that we all are good, well-meaning people struggling to understand and follow the teachings of Jesus, as children of a God we know as loving and merciful, quick to forgive us, even before we ask for forgiveness.

At the Council meeting:

    •    Alex will read the intentions listed above;

    •    Karen will say she is there as a concerned congregant who loves Daniel & L and who is coming from a place of great concern.  Wanting healing, she is there to advocate for a mediation process as the next important step in the conflict resolution. 

    •    Lisa will say she thinks there is a need for mediation because she has heard such differing accounts of the same events from the parties involved.  She believes it is up to L, Daniel, Brad, Christina, Paula, the Council and others, if others are involved, to decide what needs to be mediated, who will be the mediator and what the mediation process will be.  

    •    Alex will say that like many others, she and Javan were drawn to the Church by the radical welcome they saw manifested, particularly in the love and acceptance shown by the Congregation to members with Down Syndrome who often took lead roles in the service, participating with blessed assurance that they too were loved and accepted even if they spoke too loudly at inappropriate times or did other things that would not be allowed in other churches like approach the pulpit during the minister’s sermon and speak to the Congregation. It seemed to us that the words “radical welcome” were not enough to describe what we saw.  It looked like “radical welcome AND acceptance.”  One without the other just doesn’t work.  Could it be that we had found a church that would accept even us?  

There are many of us who have been wounded by false teachings about a wrathful God before whom we must kneel and beg “cast us not away from your presence…”  Here we felt we had found a church that lived according to the true Spirit and would never cast us away, no matter what happened, that we were as safe here as we are in the love of God.  This is not a common thing in a church community; it is rare and precious and fragile.  After Javan retired from his church we could not find another church in Humboldt County with that Spirit.  

We felt our assurance of this Church promise falter when we first heard about this conflict in the sermon on April 10 and then heard later that same day at the quarterly meeting that this was one of those times when mediation or a Circle of Reconciliation would not work.  I felt off balance, unsafe and unsure for the first time of the enduring love of this Church for me, realizing that if I behaved in a way the leadership thought was in some way “bad” I might actually be cast away.  For a whole month now, when I hear the radical welcome at the beginning of the service, I feel my heart harden; what good is a radical welcome without radical acceptance?”  I can only think of L and Daniel apart from us, feeling unsupported and even betrayed by people they have served and trusted.  Then, each Sunday when we are invited to pray out loud I can only think again of L and Daniel, but I refrain from saying their names out loud, not knowing who knows about this conflict, not wanting to spread the story of the conflict further, not feeling safe to utter this prayer out loud.Two Sundays ago however, I heard in a sermon that we are to reach out to others who are not with us, even take communion out to them.  Could this mean L and Daniel, I asked myself, only to hear later that this effort had indeed been made.  Just last Sunday I heard the word “forever” describing the relationship a newly baptized person now has with this Church.  Perhaps it is not a new word but it leaped out to me.  These words give me hope for reconciliation, they feel like a true commitment to radical welcome and acceptance.  They are the words of a Church to which I hope to always belong.

    •    Javan will say that as a Presbyterian new to the UCC he was glad to hear that Daniel had been in touch with Walter John Boris, the UCC Conference Minister and our Church liaison to the Conference, and to learn that Walter had said:

    •    the authority for the Church is the Congregation;

    •    he doesn’t think either the Pastor or the Council has the right to prohibit people talking to one another in times of conflict;

    •    he is not aware of any precedent in the UCC for a system of expelling a member of the Church;

    •    a conflict that cannot be resolved by the Council should be brought before the Congregation;

    •    If the conflict is not resolved in a congregational setting, the Conference can send a mediator, which would be Walter, to help resolve it.

Javan will then say that this information has been a great reassurance to us, providing a Church structure that feels safe and supported.  We feel confident, however, that with the assistance of a qualified mediator this conflict most likely can be resolved at the Council level....

(Unknown salutaion)

Signed: Javan Reid, Alexandra Reid, Karen Wennlund, Lisa Spencer, L Citizen, Daniel Sperry. 

May 21, 2016, 6:50a.m.

Excerpt from L’s journal:

Becky (Martin)  specifically refused to let us attend a meeting with her and Kim (Stein) on Sunday.  That was the councils response to Alex’s letter, signed by all six of us.  Becky and Kim are willing to meet with Alex and Javan on Sunday.  Not Daniel and L.  

It has been seven weeks.  There have been multiple meetings about us.  Multiple public revisions to the papers we were served with 7 weeks ago.  Yet no one on council has spoken to us.  They tell us not to go to the council meeting, we should have gone.  When I’m not there they can lie and say anything. 

It wasn’t until we were at dinner that I realized how rude and insulting this is.  They aren’t even willing to talk to us.   They have nothing to say to us.  

No love at all.  

I just have to keep in mind:  Their behavior is not a reflection of me, it’s a reflection of them.  

They aren’t ashamed of themselves?  

They appear absolutely heartless from here.  Heartless and incompetent.  This morning what feels so clear is we are taking it to a Congregational Meeting.  The council can’t seem to wake up on their own.  They need to be stopped and corrected.  They have institutionalized such emotional brutality, I’ve been stunned for 5 months.  And it continues.  They are unable to make a wise choice.  Christina is a hack at best, a demon more likely.  

12:34p.m.

Our meeting with Javan and Alex this morning was discouraging to me.   Lisa wrote that they love us and are still holding that everything will work out but don’t want to be involved.  

After some discussion Javan called Becky and had her on speaker and asked her if council was willing to go ahead with mediation.   Becky responded, yes, but that’s what we want to discuss with you tomorrow.  

Javan asked 3 times if Daniel and L could attend that meeting and she said, no each time.   

But for whatever reason he refused to ask: Why?  We were all nudging him in the background, trying to press and guide him to ask why, but he didn’t.  Becky broke off the call, saying she would have to call him back when she got the dog home.  She didn’t call back. 

The Reids are flipped out.  

It troubles me that Javan and Alex attempt to be so obedient to idiot leadership.  But they are more politic than we are and we need them.  

So I feel like I am back in this position of being abused by the church.  Both Javan and Alex shared that the presence of a scapegoat is a symptom of sickness.   That it does indeed indicate a larger problem, so there is a larger problem.   It’s just that as a scapegoat, I am the target of abuse.  I don’t know how to get out of it….

But I do know, I’m calling a Congregational Meeting.  These are just stalling tactics and they aren’t helping them one little bit.   They are pushing us into a Congregational Meeting and we are going.  It’s the only way for the power to truly shift and it has to.  

May 27, 2016,

9:25p.m.

I got two incoming calls from (council member) Bob Jessop today, no messages.  That feels like harassment to me.  So I texted him, “Please do not call me again unless you are willing to leave a voicemail.”  

He called a few minutes later, after 9p.m.  And left a message

Easy and friendly.  He’s been thinking about me for the longest time and wants to get together for coffee, not talk about the church, just about life.  

Daniel and I both feel like that is dripping in bullshit.  All these months, he’s been wanting to reach out, as a friend.  That is pathetic. 

10:52p.m.

Bob followed his bullshit voicemail with bullshit texts.  Suddenly he is desperate to have coffee with me.  

But the council and each member is insane in their own right.  For him to call tonight repeatedly and need to share a beverage as a friend is just absurd.  I don’t want to share beverages with insane people.   

Long day!  Two meetings with Jim and Lucy one at 11 and one at 7:45.  They rewrote Daniel’s meeting announcement and made it soft and diplomatic.  They wanted to make sure it was ok so they came over to share it with us.  We didn’t have any resistance to it.  

I’m trying to just go with the process.  Tomorrow Lucy is meeting me at 2 at the church and we are going to stay there until we have the meeting scheduled on the church calendar.  

June 26, 2016, 7:12p.m.

Excerpt from L’s journal:

We did it, we went to the Annual Meeting.  When Christina finished her report is when I made my move.  I didn’t want to wait until the end, I had a concern.  So I hustled up there with my basket and Daniel fast behind.  I got up to the podium and she tried to hand me a mic and I stepped right up to the pulpit next to her.  She stood there and said, this is my report.  Someone called out, it’s her report.  I said ok, I’ll wait right here with my concern.  

And I sat down on the first pew, Daniel sat down beside me.  She made an effort to explain that nothing happened and that the council was working really hard to reconcile with mediators and saying nothing.  Finally she wrapped and I raised my hand with full enthusiasm and she had to yield.   

I got back to the pulpit and said to the congregation, "Hello.  It’s nice to see you, I’ve missed you."
 

"Daniel and I stopped attending services after April 1st because we were served with these behavioral covenant papers.  There are so many things wrong with these papers that I can’t go into right now.  But the ending sentence:" I read the expulsion threat.  Then I read the gag order.  Then the Call.

Then added, It should be noted that Christina has not been willing even to talk to us since April 1st  and council only agreed to mediation because we called this Special Congregational Meeting.  

Someone spoke up in a timid voice, “did this happen before Christina got here?”  

I said, "yep it did.  I know it’s super confusing.”

I offered, “We have cards with both our numbers on them please be in touch, we want to talk.  We don’t want ugly secrets.”  

Brian Sohl jumped up.  “That’s really damaging, talking to you.”  

I said, “Christina got up and talked about the conflict from the pulpit on April 10, and said come talk to me.  Well I was actually in the conflict, why can’t people talk to me?”  

We went back to our seats.  There were questions that Christina cut short.    Back at the pulpit, she reassured everyone that I had always had contact with my two representatives from council.  Which was another lie.  

 Then Elizabeth asked if the council and she wanted the congregational meeting. 

Christina’s response, “I don’t know if there will be a meeting.”  

That is when I jumped up from the back corner and said in my super big voice.  “There will be a meeting because neither the minister nor the council and stop it."    

I continued, stepping forward, "isn’t it true David that when I responded to you about the covenant and said that this is unwise, unconstitutional and uncongregational.  You said, Well L, It was unanimous you don’t have a choice.”  Christina jumped in before I finished my sentence.  

Shouting, arms outstretched, “we won’t have people attacked in this building."  

I returned to my seat.  

Ward and David moved that we read the rest of the reports and adjourn.  

It adjourned.  

We had a whole receiving line of love.  Marsha Rosine, Doris and Don Seebart, Dee Anne, Tege, Wendy, Fred.   Then we scooted.  

I haven’t rested yet.  I’m still all riled, it was intense.  

Christina hasn’t begun to be honest yet.   

DeeAnne sent a couple of ‘good for you' texts.  It was affirming.  I’m exhausted.  

I’m glad that piece is over.  The next piece is mediation and that is better because I don’t have to carry the whole thing.  And that is where we have to get Christina to try to be honest.  Or realize together that she can’t do that… I don’t know.  She is so strange.  Such a complete liar.  

I did well not attacking anyone.  Brad’s name was never mentioned, nor Becky’s.  There is plenty of time.  I didn’t want to get into the whole story but I did want to invite everyone to talk to us.  Now I have.  

July 4, 2016, 10:44a.m.

Excerpt from L's journal:

I got a facebook message from Tege (Phillips) this morning.  She took down the poster I painted for the Special Congregation meeting and threw it away, “in love and friendship”.  

I had a feeling of cascading horror and betrayal inside of me.  I am shaky all the way down in my core.  I needed to go to the hardware store.  I walked, I couldn’t steady the incredible trembling, I could not get behind the wheel.   It’s been hours since I got the message,  I’m still breathing hard.  

Outside the celebration of Independence is marching down the street, I can’t participate.  I can only attempt to get control of my ALARMED nervous system.  

I actually believed that Tege was my friend.  I am brutalized by her mean, low  message.  It appears as though Reverend Kukuk is some kind of ugly mentor for meanness.  I feel like shouting, resist the DARK force, Luke!   And apparently it’s too late.  

I am spinning and falling through cold empty space.

July 14, 2016, 10:47p.m.

Becky sent a message to Lucy today saying that she would be running the Congregational Meeting and sent her agenda for the meeting.  John Love spoke to Clark and told him Becky would Moderate.  Becky is hijacking the meeting.  

Alex and Javan responded that we should postpone and wait until we can have the meeting legally.  I refuse to postpone.  I am so done with these people.  Utterly and completely despicable.  I just want to hand out the Overview and say my short piece and leave.  I have no interest in attempting to be part of that community anymore.  It’s just another repulsive, abusive church.  

Daniel and I are both still in shock.  Daniel wrote to Kate.  She is the one who asked for our plan for the council, now the council behaves in aggressive bad faith in response.   We are going to call Walter John in the morning and Lucy is coming over at 11:00. 

I don’t want these people in my life.  I don’t want anything to do with this idiotic system of abuse.  It may have been a lovely place before, or it may have been much more illusion than I imagine.  But now it’s just another abusive church.   And quite impervious to notions of accountability.  

This latest oppressive action is quite the last straw for me.  The level at which Becky is behaving is quite grotesque.  I am still in shock.    

July 15, 2016, 9:13a.m.

Daniel called Walter John this morning.  Christina and Becky had been in contact with him and he directed us to find a new church.  

I guess that is that. There is no recourse for church abuse.  

There is only church abuse and impunity.  I am done.  

Almost.  

I will show up on Sunday.  

Releasing the truth is all we can do now.  Making sure everyone has the information.  Then they can decide what to do with their church.  

I got fifty copies of the Overview with our baptismal blessing photo on the front made up.  They are ready to be handed out.  It is amazingly satisfying to have this document.  To get to tell our story.  Daniel and I both worked on it and went over it many times. 

It’s so close. I can’t wait until Sunday at 2.  No matter what happens it’s out and all the suppression, oppression and delays will come to an end.  

Update from November 25, 2017

That’s what I thought…

July 16, 2016, 10:59p.m.

  I sent off the overview to 40 homes, that in itself feels better.   The six of us have a plan.  We truly are having a Special Congregational Meeting tomorrow at noon.  I can hear the Clint Eastwood whistle.  The reckoning is underway.  

Tomorrow at noon, the cat is completely out of the bag.  It should be a short meeting.  I’m so grateful it is almost here.  That by 1 tomorrow this whole mess can start to drain out of me.  I have been carrying it too long.  I’m exhausted, I’ve been pummeled.  I feel completely over this church.   I’m so sorry that is the case, but it is.  The congregational meeting thing made me feel like there was hope, that the larger church did  have balancing capacity.  But Walter John saying we needed to find another church yesterday, was so telling.   Weeks of obstruction after months of abuse and we need to find another church?  If  I didn’t have such  extraordinary support I would not have been able to put it off.  Not that I have pulled it off.  We still have no idea.

But I do take a lot of comfort in having the packets and having my statement ready.  We can hold the space, I go last and then silent reflection.  Let all that land.  

July 17, 2016

AUDIO recording of the Special Congregational Meeting.

Special Congregational Meeting

The Special Congregational Meeting was advised by Walter John Boris the Conference Minister.  It was our only way of addressing our concerns with both council and clergy.    

As soon as Javan and Alex Reid, Lucy Edwards, Jim Phillips, Daniel and I made The Call for the Special Congregational Meeting, Christina and Becky began attempting to obstruct it.  They began “negotiating” with the Reids and Lucy and Jim to pressure us to change our minds.  There were countless efforts to get us to call off the meeting or withdraw The Call.   The church hired a second round of mediators, Kate Geary and Joanne Lescher.  We met with Kate and Joanne 5 times over the course of several weeks.  They had a variety of stalling techniques.  I continuously wondered about their competence.  

Daniel asked if they would assist us by mediating the Special Congregational Meeting for us.  They declined.  They did ask us to provide an agenda for the meeting in advance, to give Council time to prepare.  Immediately after sending our agenda to Becky Martin, Becky responded that she was taking over the meeting and the agenda.  Per the constitution.  This is the only time in my church nightmare experience that I ever heard Becky refer to the constitution.  Here she used it to corrupt our only avenue to defend ourselves.  

The meeting started with Chris Sohl handing out an entirely prejudicial  “Agenda Special Congregational Meeting Ashland UCC”.  It was double sided and did not include The Call, the announcement clarifying the purpose of the meeting.   One side of the Agenda had Becky Martin’s agenda and the addendum from the Annual Report and the back side was a rebuttal to the meeting by Moderator, Becky Martin.  

As the meeting began Becky announced, “Our pastors, Rev. Christina Kukuk and Rev. Paula Sohl will be holding our process in prayer but will not be participating in discussions.”  

This statement of boundaries by the Moderator does not turn out to be true.  

Later in the meeting Becky says, “This group is committed to answering those questions with professional mediators.”  That also turns out to be untrue.  

Alex, Lucy, Jim, Daniel and I each spoke, having made the decision to be merciful and not confront Christina for her lies or Council for their blind leadership, at the meeting.  We spoke of our concerns in general with the intention of completing the mediation process after the meeting.   It was too convoluted for a full airing anyway and we hadn’t even begun to talk to each other.  We erred in choosing mercy.  There are no points for mercy in Rev. Kukuk’s church.  

John Love spoke for the Council and called the conflict a “misunderstanding”.  An entirely misleading word to use, as misunderstandings are easily cleared up with communication. The Council and clergy remained steadfast in their commitment never to communicate with us, even while heralding their mediation process.  So, no, this was not a misunderstanding.

After John finished, Becky opened up the floor and many people wanted to comment.  There was a palpable feeling of good will in the room as person after person spoke of reconciliation and hopes for mediation.  After nearly an hour, there was a call to adjourn.  The call received a second, and at that point, by parliamentary procedure, the meeting should have been adjourned by Becky, if she were interested in doing her job. This is when Rev. Kukuk dumped the pretense that she was holding the meeting in prayer, and rose out of order to interject, “I’d like to ask as a point of order that people not clap.”  

This is her excuse for rising and interrupting, there is no such point of order in Robert's Rules. It does not exist. She decided to create a rule and call it a point of order because she explains with her next words:

 “ Um I think it leads to the appearance of taking sides.”  

Here she is speaking of congregants clapping in support of the sharing that Becky had solicited from those assembled.  Rev. Kukuk, and Paula Sohl had both expressed concerns previously about “taking sides” and warned against it.  Which amounted to any show of love for Daniel and L.  Taking sides: very bad.  

So Rev. Kukuk interrupted our one chance to defend ourselves from her relentless attacks by  shaming the congregation.  

Kukuk continued:

“If there are no secrets then there is so much I would like to tell you.”

This statement is untrue.  First of all every detail of the conflict was still secret at that point and in weeks leading up to the Special Congregational Meeting, the reverend had made every effort to not have the meeting.  She didn’t want to tell the congregation anything at all. She wanted to confuse them and regain control.  Which she demonstrates with her next comments:

“I don’t feel that this meeting is being honest about the deep pain that many people are carrying.  Some of that pain has been given voice.  But not all of it has.  Our intention to proceed with mediation was that all of that pain could be given a voice.  And frankly this congregational meeting feels like an end run around that process.”  

Note that she claims “our intention to proceed with mediation.” This is a false statement.  They agreed under duress to have mediation, once six of us members of the congregation, together, called a Special Congregational Meeting.  Just before that they had refused mediation.  And the source of the “deep pain” that she so often speaks of is confidential.  It would seem from all the actual evidence, that Rev. Kukuk is deeply pained whenever she is questioned, or congregants refuse their homework assignments. 

More importantly, six congregants called a Special Congregational Meeting to discuss behavioral covenants, gag orders and threats of expulsion.  But Christina never addresses our issues.  Never.  She is focused on all her extremely, non specific, deep pain.  

At this point the Rev.  holds up her much heralded mediation as both intended to give voice to all the pain and harmed by the Meeting.  The same mediation that Rev. Kukuk has not participated in with any of us and which will, two days later, she will publicly abandoned.  

After Rev. Kukuk withdraws from mediation, she and Becky Martin will both lie to everyone including Walter John Boris, the Conference Minister,  saying that Daniel and I withdrew from mediation.  

Further in the future at the high school meeting, Rev. Kukuk will lie again and claim that the mediators advised her to ban us from the property.  

She’s not done yet and continues:

 “There have been things claimed that are not true from my perspective and the perspective of council members.”

Here she is not only accusing others of being dishonest but she is being dishonest in so doing.  The meeting is still in progress.  She has not had the opportunity to hear what council members think.   

She goes on:

“I don’t know if I should just start reading from my file of emails.”  

She used a physical prop, holding up a fat blue file folder stuffed with half a ream of copy paper.  I remember sitting in my seat, entirely committed to staying in my own integrity and not reacting to any antics or craziness.  As she waved the folder I thought back on all the emails.  (I have posted them all on this site.)  And I thought,

Oh, please do!  

It was stunning!  I was witnessing a woman calling herself a minister, standing up in front of her new congregation, melting down.  

She didn’t start reading, she didn’t even open the folder of pretend damnation.  Her next statement was, “We didn’t want this meeting to devolve into that.”

We? Devolve?  Until the reverend rose out of order to shame the congregation with a false point of order, I was experiencing a community attempting to grapple with an ugly, confusing mess in a way that honored ideas of church and beloved community.   “We didn’t want this meeting to devolve into that.”  

She literally is the devolution of the meeting, and the church.  

She concludes,  “What I think I would like to do is step down for now and ask the congregation what it wants to do to go forward.  I think we need the further wounding to stop. And maybe it’s time to ask the wisdom of the congregation how best to do that.”

Here she evoked the very center of what the United Church of Christ purports to be about.   The inclusive church, where the collective body is called the Body of Christ.  Meaning all of us together are a sacred unit.  And indeed that is what should have happened.  The congregation should decide together what makes sense to do as a community.    And the congregation had just spoken. They were very hopeful about mediation.  But she wasn’t going to leave it up to the congregation at all. She was only, once again, making a pretense of caring, or being magnanimous. By the next congregational meeting, Daniel and I will have been excommunicated and banned from the property.  

With that she handed the microphone back to Becky and stomped to the back of the sanctuary to Paula who had literally appeared to be holding the reverend up before her big scene.  

Meanwhile Moderator Becky Martin regained the mic.     Remember, Becky demanded that she moderate the meeting, against our request.  We had Clark Custodio lined up to handle the proceedings, so that the proceedings could be fair.    Becky had been central to the entire conflict from the beginning and had lied multiple times to cover for herself, for Brad and for Christina.  And yet, she insisted that she had to chair this meeting.  In her email three days prior to the meeting she stated, “I plan to do a call to order but not to speak to any issues or take any positions."  

This same Becky Martin takes the mic back from Rev. Kukuk and declares one word:

“Wisdom.”

Really!?!  I would have described the words of Rev. Kukuk as out of order, inaccurate, slanderous, unethical, deceitful, unkind, shit slinging.  

Instead, Becky provides guidance to those assembled, by further mutilating language. 

Why does it not matter to Becky that Rev. Kukuk didn’t even pretend to hold the meeting in prayer?   

I didn’t budge from my seat between Daniel and Lucy.  

The meeting adjourned moments later with Ron Delaney calling out in naive desperation, “This church will grow from this process.”  

So although Rev. Kukuk spoke of the sacred role of the congregation, she did not honor it.  She does not appear to have a relationship with honor at all.   Instead she used her position as minister to deceive her own congregation and Council, repeatedly.   She hired multiple mediators to cover her misdeeds. She then assassinates the character of congregants and finally creates permanent enemies for the church by banishing them.    

And she shamelessly finds a way to call her pathological ministry Ashland First Congregational United Church of Christ.  

July 18, 2016, 3:14a.m.

Here I am in the middle of the night.  Replaying the events of yesterday’s congregational meeting.  It was spectacular really.  All six of us did so well. 

When we were done, the congregation were allowed to have input and many many people wanted to get up and speak.  Mostly saying they love us and speaking of forgiveness.   I was very pleasantly surprised by the congregation, they really did show their stuff.  

At the beginning of the meeting Becky announced that the ministers would be holding a sacred space but would not be speaking.  

But Christina got so mad she shot up from the back with a blue file folder and scolded Becky and the congregation for clapping.   She waved her blue folder and said, I could start reading emails.  

It was a spectacular moment.  I so wish we had recorded it I would watch it right now.  I can’t remember how the meltdown ended.  But she definitely accused someone of lying, not specific, but Awesome.  

She was the least compassionate, least grounded person to speak - by far. 

Mediators

I wrote to the first mediator, Karen McClintock, asking about my personal safety in community with Brad Roupp.  Her response was, “I have responded as best I could for everyone’s best interests.”

It struck me immediately that in this message, Karen McClintock does not consider me in her use of the word “everyone”.  Is there a way of interpreting her response that is not covering for Brad Roupp? 

On some fundamental level, Brad Roupp deciding to bully me in a bathroom at his church, led “my community” to expel me from the All, the Everyone.  All are Welcome (except Daniel and L).  Because Brad and then Becky and then Christina decided we are not relevant to their all.  As if all is a group of people they have chosen.  Rather than all meaning all.  This faulty logic is obvious.  And Daniel and I both felt sure that mediators would be able to help us answer some super basic questions about what exactly had been going on.  But after the February 2016 meeting with Karen McClintock and Becky, none of these professional mediators brought us together so that basic questions could be even be asked.  

Karen McClintock admitted that Brad and Becky had made me the scapegoat.  She also stated that it would be important for the health of the community for Brad and I to meet.   However, after meeting with Brad and communicating with Christina, Karen had been corrected: L needs to find another church and that’s her problem.  McClintock stated that she was relieved that Brad refused to meet with me.

I found Karen’s response to my questions about my personal safety chilling. I sent the same list of questions to Rev. Kukuk.  My questions were flatly ignored.  In fact, all of my questions throughout this entire nightmare have been ignored.   

Kate Geary and Joanne Lescher, the second mediators hired “determined that mediation just was not going to achieve it’s goals.”  Strangely enough I thought the goal was to communicate with one another but the mediators determined after 5 meetings with us that communication could not be achieved.  

This is quite a misleading and inaccurate statement.  I do not know if it originated through sheer incompetence or simple dishonesty.  Two professional mediators who can't help “willing” people communicate?  Yet they “thank the number of people who participated so willingly.”  This is a manipulation of language attempting to obscure the  churches’ real agenda.  

All the data supports the theory that Rev. Kukuk was never going to allow for communication between Council and Daniel and me. Christina was never going to mediate with us, she doesn’t have honest answers to our list of unanswered questions.  

  I believe the mediators were hired to try to prevent the Special Congregational Meeting and to prevent direct communication, because that is what Kate and Joanne actually achieved and have received such glowing reviews for.  Everything again has been blamed on Daniel and me. Continuously scapegoated for Christina’s lies and misdeeds.   Kate Geary used language to intentionally confuse and obscure the facts of what her mediation process was in reality.  Another shield that Rev. Kukuk needed to hide her ill will.  I fully participated in the non existent  “mediation process” and I couldn’t understand Kate’s message, terminating her work.  I wrote her asking for an explanation.  In response, Kate states, “it is important to remain neutral and not suggest that blame for that lies with any of the parties. So yes, it sounded innocuous, but our intention is not to lay blame or sway opinion toward one side or the other.”  Thus Kate allows Christina a wide open field to continue lying and to place all of her shame and blame on us, again.  The effect of Kate and Joanne pretending to be neutral is that their distortion of language had the most destructive affect possible on the community, Daniel and me.   They pretend that they have concluded their “process” with integrity.   We notice, they should be ashamed of themselves.    

They never even brought the parties together, but pretend they did with “many meetings, conversations”.  

They dishonestly state, that everyone involved had the same agenda, and “can not realistically achieve what we all had hoped.”  All the data indicates that Kate and Joanne were dishonest with us and with public statements to Ashland UCC.  Dishonest with everyone, except probably Christina, who set the agenda. 

They told us in our first meeting that they were not working for anyone in particular. That has clearly turned out not to be true.    

What did they get paid for?  We met with them five times.   After five meetings, Kate didn’t feel ready  to mediate. They coached us to be nice. They tried to talk us out of the congregational meeting and they never allowed anyone to confront Christina or Becky, or Council.   

Why would Kate Geary and Joanne Lescher use their professional reputations and “skills” to do the  community such a profound disservice?  Why would they want to help a minister deceive an entire congregation and town?   

They were at the Special Congregational Meeting.  They witnessed what happened.  Christina rose out of order (on multiple levels) and spouted shaming, aggressive, dishonest accusations.  Yet after they witnessed her destructive display, after hours of compassionate communication coaching, the team of professional mediators had NO response to Christina’s display.  But rather put out a  statement terminating their vacuous process under the guise of neutrality.  Thereby, shielding the least compassionate communicator I know from responsibility for her destructive, slanderous behavior. Instead, they put out a statement complaining that they had lost sleep, finally deciding they had nothing to offer.  

I can’t see any upside for Kate, Joanne or Karen McClintock to assist a dishonest and destructive minister and help her deceive her congregation.  Is it possible they just did it for the money?   I don’t see another motive.  

There is only one thing that I heard from Kate Geary and Joanne Lescher  that I thoroughly believe and that is that there are no standards or qualifications one needs, to call oneself a mediator.  Therefore I cannot claim they are not qualified to be mediators.  I now understand that a mediator is a manipulator for hire.   It has become clear why Rev. Kukuk is so reliant on mediators.  

I see now how pivotal and crucial the behavior these mediators has been, in assisting Rev. Kukuk, in amputating us from our church community.  The choices and statements that the mediators made to mislead me, Daniel and the congregation, in effect, gave Rev. Kukuk whatever legitimacy she now enjoys.   With their help, Rev. Kukuk has been empowered to freely lie about Daniel and I and place all of her shame and blame on us.  Without their help, who would have believed such a long string of baseless lies?  

No one. 

Rev. Kukuk needed Kate Geary, Joanne Lescher and Karen McClintock to pull off such a dirty amputation from her "All Are Welcome PEACE" church.  That’s the sad and ugly truth. 

August 1, 2016, 6:17a.m.

 I have a slight migraine this morning.  I don’t feel like going out walking.  The anger usually pushes me out the door to walk some off.  But I am more in the grief of it all, so tragic, so much loss.  No defense. I suppose more will be revealed.

My life used to center around Sundays and the reveling in church.  I really did celebrate it as the good and holy center of my life.

And I was always grateful and devoted.   They say that an attitude of gratitude increases all good, gives you more to be grateful for.  

Instead I/we got persecuted by the church.

Poof, the center of my life – rotten.  

FUCK!!!

Today is Monday but it doesn’t feel like it because Sunday had no church.

Now the slog through the scorched valley of grief……………..

I’ve been focused on having lime water near by and hydrating and trying to take gentle care of my battered self.  

I’m improving bit by bit, the trembling is less.  This morning the anger is less.  

Utterly reprehensable letter from Members of Council. (I don’t know if that means some members didn’t want to sign on.)

This letter is deceptive in it’s entirety:  

Appeared in the August 3, 2016 Ashland UCC weekly newsletter

As you know from the June 26 Annual Meeting, the July 17 special congregational meeting, and various messages and announcements, your Council and pastors have been processing a conflict between two church members and its aftermath for about six months now. From the beginning, Council has agreed to a mediation process in an effort to resolve the conflict, and we reaffirmed that commitment on July 17, as did the parties who called the special meeting. At the July 20 Council meeting we agreed that given all we heard (and read) at the special meeting, we would not invest more time and resources in mediation unless the two professional mediators gave us some assurance that there was a good chance of it leading to successful resolution.

However, on July 26, mediator Kate Geary, writing on behalf of herself and Joanne Lescher, informed us that after many meetings and conversations “we have come to the conclusion that further efforts at mediation can not realistically achieve what we all had hoped.” It is therefore clear to Council that this process has ended. We regret the potential loss of two beloved and involved members of our congregation; at this time we are committed to refocusing our energies on other needs and missions of the congregation.

If you have any questions about our decision and are not able to meet with us, please convey them to us through our moderator Becky Martin.  Thank you for your love and patience throughout.

 Members of Council,  First Congregational United Church of Christ

Dishonest Council

Tragically, this is another deceptive message from church leadership.  This one from Council prefaced their conclusion by asserting “given all they heard and read at the special meeting”.    They are reimagining the “special meeting”, blaming us and the mediators for their sudden reversal of “commitment”.    Again we are further being  blamed, while we have behaved with total integrity. Rev. Kukuk has demonstrated extremely inflammatory, dishonest, shaming, out of order behavior.   This the theme at Ashland UCC.   This letter starts with, “your Council and pastors have been processing a conflict between two church members and its aftermath for about six months now”.   This is a false pretense.  

 At this point, “the conflict” is in no way between two church members.  It is Becky Martin, Moderator of the Council who has been both abusive and deceptive in her treatment of me and her position as Moderator of the Council. And Rev. Kukuk who has attempted to gag us and to coerce us into a punitive covenant.  The Special Congregational Meeting was not called to address “the conflict” between Brad and I.  Even though that conflict could never be honestly addressed once mediator Karen McClintock acknowledged that Brad bullied me and I was being used as a scapegoat. That’s confidential! 

In this letter terminating the mediation process (which they did not participate in) Council circles back around to “the conflict” with Brad.  Thereby reducing  “the conflict” down to the day Brad bullied me in the bathroom.  Except Brad had never been part of any mediation.  Or any of the various and sundry attacks on us by Rev. Kukuk or her punishments.  And Brad was the bully.  So what do they mean by “processing a conflict”?  This shell game that the leadership has played throughout our persecution has been constant. 

The Special Congregational Meeting was called by six members of the community to address these specific issues:

The Call:

“As a Congregational UCC, our constitution grants any member the right to call a congregational meeting.  This congregational meeting is being called to report progress made on important issues that arose from a conflict between a ministry team leader and a congregant that resulted in the April 2016 introduction and implementation of a behavioral covenant. The behavioral covenant raised with us the following concerns:.

-The use of a behavior covenant 

-The use without consent or knowledge of the congregation

-Consequences in the behavioral covenant that include expulsion of members from the congregation 

-Censoring of members by prohibiting them from communicating about the conflict or covenant with any members of the congregation, council, pastors or other leaders.

Sincerely,

Lucy Edwards, Jim Phillips, L Citizen, Daniel Sperry, Javan Reid, Alexandra Reid”

This Call was worded extremely carefully. We wanted to be crystal clear in what our concerns were and we attempted to say it as nicely as Lucy and Alex possibly could.  Notably the concerns of the Call have never been addressed by leadership.  

And yet!  Council’s statement terminating any effort to communicate with us, refers to “all we heard (and read) at the special meeting.”  As if we were the parties that stood up out of order at the meeting. As though we were the minister that slimed the whole sanctuary with twisted, flagrant lies.   

On this site, the Special Congregational Meeting is well documented and it is quite clear that the only people displaying disrespectful behavior at the meeting were Becky Martin and Rev. Kukuk.  This is another example of our being blamed for Rev. Christina’s character defects.  In fact, that would appear to be the new guiding “principle” of Ashland UCC.  Blame it on L and Daniel.  

It doesn’t matter what it is. They aren’t people and they aren’t here!  Haaa ha ha!!!  

Another example of this verbal subterfuge is that “Members of Council” state, “From the beginning, Council has agreed to a mediation process in an effort to resolve the conflict, and we reaffirmed that commitment on July 17.”

This is actually three lies: 

1. They were not open to mediation. They did not participate. 
2. Their effort was not to resolve the conflict. Rev. Kukuk created the conflict and she never relented in her efforts to assassinate our characters and banish us.  
3. They use the word commitment to claim the disposition they had.  They have never been honestly willing to communicate.  This is a cynical use of the word commitment, which is just plain sad.  

Words should mean something in church.  But Rev. Kukuk mutilates language to serve her dark purposes.  

Now everyone can see from the letter on 5. 26. 2016, Becky Martin and Rev. Kukuk wrote to Daniel and I offering that we could apply to reengage with their punitive covenant and gag order as the “church restorative process”.  They were not at all interested in mediation.  They later hired new mediators once we had called the Special Congregational Meeting - in other words, under duress. They did hire mediators, but they did not engage in mediation with Daniel and/or me.    It is the leadership itself that did not participate and holds no integrity with the mediation process.  

Rev. Kukuk’s intention was to banish Daniel and me and have us carry all her sins of deception away with us.  Rev. Kukuk created the conflict, and repeatedly lied to cover for herself, Brad and Becky. A person with simple common sense can read the gag order and covenant w/ threats and conclude that “resolution” was not the goal.   Silencing, slander and threats do not naturally lead to resolution.  

The Members of Council wrap up their dishonest message to the congregation with "We regret the potential loss of two beloved and involved members of our congregation.”  This is also untrue and profoundly insulting.  All of the efforts they have put into supporting Rev. Kukuk’s insane exclusionary policies and they claim they regret our “potential loss”? As if their policies could somehow, potentially banish us.

I seriously don’t know how they have gotten way with this stuff. 

As one of the “beloved and involved members of our congregation”, I thoroughly resent being consistently and flagrantly lied about to the congregation, and beyond.  I also am still dismayed that members of the congregation cannot acknowledge what is going on right in front of them.  

  It is ultimately the responsibility of the Council at a Ashland United Church of Christ to supervise the minister.  

Council members who participated in authorizing the covenant and gag order and thereby abdicated their responsibilities to the congregation and integrity of Ashland UCC are:

Kim Stien 

David Schultz 

Michael Lessmeier

John Love

Bob Jessop 

Linda Anderson

Ward Wilson

And of course the biggest helper of all Moderator Becky Martin

These folks have obviously been profoundly checked out as a group.  They are all volunteers, they are not professional council members.   They don’t seem to have any idea what they are supposed to be doing.  They have just been blindly  following Rev. Kukuk’s foul lead.   And obviously Walter John Boris, the Conference Minister, was no help at all.   I attempted to speak to John Love, Linda Anderson and Michael Lessmeier about Rev. Kukuk in September of 2016.  They decided that rather than discuss Rev. Kukuk’s ethical misconduct, it made good sense to ban us from the property instead.  They banned us on October 8th and the next Congregational Meeting was October 9th.    

Apparently they felt scared.  

They decided to have the locks changed. 

Walter John Boris, for whatever reason, went along.

I think it is likely that Members of Council are the biggest dupes of all.  I don’t think they knew Rev. Kukuk was lying from the beginning.  I think it is likely that they are operating in some sort of group mind trance, desperate to be in love with their miscreant of a minister.  It is dawning on them to varying degrees that lies are a common theme,  now that they are obligated to attempt to defend all their rotten fruit.  They all are carrying some amount of shame for their participation and yet are clearly still clueless.  

This was their final message about Daniel and L. Since we have been banished we no longer get to see the e weekly.  Therefore, I have no idea how my character might me used as trash after October 2016.  I’m sure it’s liberally.  

In this letter, “Members of Council” conclude their profoundly disingenuous message by directing any concerns to Moderator Becky Martin!  I’m disgusted by the behavior of each member of council.  I do not respect any of them as having the courage of any moral conviction.  

At the same time, none of them are getting paid 120,000 dollars a year to wear a collar and corrupt the community with their lies.    They really aren’t that powerful without Christina.  And Christina could never have been so powerful without Becky Martin backing up all her lies.   Neither Becky nor Christina could have so radically disfigured Ashland UCC without the Council.  It is a wheel of deception, a Fuster Cluck.   

Apparently they imagine that the letter above absolved them of any further time or energy on “the conflict.”  

After examining it carefully, it still reads as positively ridiculous to me.  But from all the evidence I have, that is the new style at Ashland UCC and everyone just goes along.

August 7, 2016, 11:27a.m.

Daniel and I had been preparing to go to the council gathering to answer  questions from 2 to 3 today.  We have been working up to it since Wednesday.  

Daniel corresponded with Alex and Javan and they attempted to dissuade us.  Javan’s attempt worked.  We have decided not to go. 

I am incredibly relieved.  I was so dreading being at church.  

It’s so sad what has happened.  That I dread it now, abhor what it has become.    

 We didn’t go ask questions.  I came home with a belly ache instead.What I realize is that there are no good options.  There is no good way to have a sociopath for a minister.  It’s just plain God Awful.  

There is some comfort in that.  If there are no good choices, I may as well have gentle, loving, peaceful Sunday rather than have anything to do with church leadership.  

September 24, 2016

E-mail to John Love, to which he did not respond:

Dear John,

Excerpt from the United Church of Christ website:

We believe that all of the baptized 'belong body and soul to our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.' No matter who – no matter what – no matter where we are on life's journey – notwithstanding race, gender identity or expression, sexual orientation, class or creed – we all belong to God and to one worldwide community of faith. All persons baptized – past, present and future – are connected to each other and to God through the sacrament of baptism. We baptize during worship when the community is present because baptism includes the community's promise of 'love, support and care' for the baptized – and we promise that we won't take it back – 

As you know, Diane and Paula baptized Daniel and I last year.   

You were there.  

Christina is the lead, extremely expensive, employee of the church and you are responsible for overseeing her.  I ask that you use critical thinking skills to discern what has actually occurred, rather than adhering so blindly to what you want to believe. 

You claim that I am trying to “shame and turn people against" Christina.

Christina has been attacking and slandering me/us since March.  Her slander is so bold and liberally shared, it seems as though you have never thought to  question it.  

Christina called an Emergency Council Meeting to accuse us of something secret.  And all of you supported her in turning the whole meaning of our church upside down.   

What exactly were we accused of? 

Whatever the accusation was, there were two conditions (probably cloaked).  One, our crime would remain a secret and two, she would never have to answer for her accusations.   

That is entirely unethical, and should bother you.    

Apparently, with no process, no discovery, not a shadow of a doubt, you all convicted us.   

How long did that part take?  

Why do you and other council members feel entitled to convict and punish congregants of secret crimes?   

Then with maximum efficiency, you all signed on in full support of serving us with a punishing covenant.   How did she convince you that her way, was the “Way of Jesus”?   

I don’t remember the part in scripture where Jesus was all about slander, threats and exclusion.    

I know that it is easier to convict people in secret meetings, without ever talking to them, but what about our baptismal promise?   

 Daniel and I had already declined to participate in her covenant twice.   In response, Christina attempted to exert her control over us by having us served with the covenant and gag order.   How are we supposed to receive that as good will?   Simultaneously, David informed us that we will no longer have any access to or communication with, Christina. 

My statement to David when I called to respond on April 6, was that “this is a whole new conflict.  It is unwise, unconstitutional, and uncongregational”.  That was my participation in the revision process. 

Leadership needed (and still does need) to consider the covenant with some measure of respect for the beloved community and UCC principles.  

 Yet since we stopped coming to church there was no reason, apparently, for anyone in leadership to address us again.   

That line Becky always uses in correspondence, “Council will get back to you with next steps”.  That is another assurance, that turns out not to be true in reality.    

 I stated to David in that same conversation that we would not be attending church because this treatment is abusive.   

Did that feedback get back to you?    

Two congregants were stating that the policy you just created is abusive and that response gave none of you pause?  

None of you felt the need to clear up that “misunderstanding?”

The following Sunday, Christina broke the gag order she created.  She spoke about the conflict from the pulpit.   That was on April 10, I’m sure you remember.   Christina explained that in some circumstances the radical welcome should not apply.  In her example, the old woman that needed to leave the community, was guilty of verbally abusing a child.   Christina demonstrated verbal abuse that Sunday instead of sharing the Good news.   I know for a fact, that more than one person felt sickened by her graceless abuse of the pulpit that day.   

Apparently, you and fellow council members had no problem with Christina’s disgraceful behavior. 

As a council member you have an obligation to observe what the minister is doing. 

Yet you are so enamored with Christina that you view her unholy use of the pulpit as masterful? 

The covenant itself John, is a powerful injury to the Body of Christ.  Many people have attempted to point this out to you.   Yet all of leadership wants to pretend the amputation of members and the bleeding of the Body is “not in effect”.   At the Special Congregational Meeting many congregants stood and spoke of their disconnection and hopes for mediation.  You included.   

There was a lot of love in the room, until Christina rose to crush it.  

Again for review, she rose out of order, after Becky had announced at the beginning of the meeting: “Our pastors will be holding this meeting in prayer but will not participate in discussion”.   That is called a boundary.  

Christina rose after a call to adjourn was seconded.  From my view, this was her way of having the final word and not having to answer any questions.

Why is this acceptable to you?

Transcribed from official recording:

“I’d like to ask as a point of order that people not clap.”

For the record, there is no point of order against clapping.  

If you listen to the recording, nearly each person who spoke received some amount of applause.  So she was declaring a point of order that does not exist, and shaming and silencing the congregation with her misconduct.        

She continues,

  “Um people are sharing their hearts.  And um I think it lends the appearance of being on sides.  If there are no secrets then there is so much I would like to tell you.”

This is obviously not a true statement, because you know as well as I do, that she never wanted any of this to go before the congregation.  

 “And I don’t feel that this meeting is being honest about the deep pain that many people are carrying.  Some of that pain has been given voice.  But not all of it has.” 

This is very important.  The “deep pain” and “wounding” she often cites is her main distraction technique.   Her claim seems to be that everyone has been hurt so everything is basically equal.  

This technique has worked amazingly well, considering it’s elementary nature.  Daniel and I are not interested in discussing anyone’s pain, yours or ours.  We are talking about the unethical behavior, slander and misconduct of a minister in her trial period.  We are questioning her actions, her theology and the basis and fitness of her ministry.   

She continues:

“Our intention to proceed with mediation was so that all of that pain could be given a voice.  And frankly this congregational meeting feels like an end run around that process.”

Here she declares “Our intention to proceed with mediation”.  This is obviously untrue.  As she planned, there never was any mediation.   Distracting people with a mediation process that yields Nothing appears to be part of her strategy to amputate disagreeable people from her church.  

Expensive!  

“There have been things claimed that are not true from my perspective and the perspective of council members.”  

This statement is frightening to me, because she declares that she is thinking for council and she need not even ask you and your fellow council members what you think.   She clearly has not had time to ask you what you thought of the meeting.  

This should bother you.

“ I don’t know if I should just start reading from my file of emails.  We didn’t want this meeting to devolve into that.”

It’s interesting that she uses the word devolve here.  That is exactly what her participation in the meeting represents.     

 To demonstrate she waved her blue folder in front of the congregation. 

What is the implication here?  

There are emails in her blue folder that would support her slander of us?  We have sent emails so heinous that any sane person would amputate us from the Body?  

Since she introduced her folder as evidence, she is now duty bound to share its contents for review.   A simple review of her evidence would clear up so much.   We have asked lots of questions and disagreed.   She has nothing worthy of damnation.  

 Please do look.   

She continues:

“What I think I would like to do is stop for now.  And ask the congregation what it wants to do to go forward.  I think we need the further wounding to stop.  And maybe it’s time to ask the wisdom of the congregation how best to do that.” 

And she steps down. 

This is rich!  She states that “it’s time to ask the wisdom of the congregation”.  And yet she just shut down the voice of the congregation with her false point of order.    

  Here is the part where a very confused congregation would have truly benefitted from a Moderator who could restore some Roberts Rules of Order or decency to the proceedings.  And Becky lets everyone know what has just been expressed:  

She declares it with one word: “Widsom.”

REALLY?!   

You can refer back to my emails to council from January and February alerting you to Becky’s misconduct.  Those written objections, were handled by council through Becky, as Moderator.  Becky has remained as Moderator and sat as chair of all the meetings wherein you all felt empowered to decide my fate.    My last interaction with Becky was with Karen McClintock as mediator.  Karen explained to Becky that she had made me the scapegoat.  That information was declared Confidential.  

Again from the UCC website:

We believe the UCC is called to be a united and uniting church. "That they may all be one." (John 17:21) "In essentials–unity, in nonessentials–diversity, in all things–charity," These UCC mottos survive because they touch core values deep within us. The UCC has no rigid formulation of doctrine or attachment to creeds or structures. Its overarching creed is love. 

Christina has done her best to amputate us from her church.  The problem with her plan and all of her strategies, is that we are not gone.  We are still here.   And it’s not her church, it’s supposed to be a UCC church.  

The conference minister, Walter John Boris, spoke to both Becky and Christina to debrief the Special Congregational Meeting.   They both told him that Daniel and I withdrew from mediation. 

As far as the mediators are concerned, I’m not clear what part of their work you have respect for.  The part where they could not get willing people into a room together? The part where they claim ‘objectives couldn’t be reached’ as a satisfactory conclusion to the enormous waste of time they offered?  The part where they decide before trying, that nothing could possibly be improved through communication?  The part where they ended mediation with such confusing language that absolutely no one has greater clarity about anything?

It is obvious to me that the objective must have been to protect Christina from answering questions.  That is what I asked for.   I wanted to ask Christina some questions, with all of you on council there to witness her attempts to answer.   What is impossible about that?  

Using logic, what exactly is impossible John?  

Talking is impossible? 

Asking questions is impossible?  

Answering questions is impossible?  

In what ways?  

I know it’s confusing, but please remember that you were told that Daniel and I stalled the process of mediation before the Congregational Meeting.  A crucial point!  

You were the spokesperson for council. 

 Why were you misinformed?   

You were told that Daniel and I withdrew.   

Now you have learned that both of those beliefs are not accurate.    

Do you consciously acknowledge that what you believed was untrue?   

You will find this happening more and more John.  

Your denial of facts does not make them go away.  

Christina must answer for her behavior.  

Here are some words from Parker Palmer:  “By failing to look at our shadows, we feed a dangerous delusion that leaders too often indulge: that our efforts are always well intended, our power is always benign and our problem is always in those difficult people whom we are trying to lead!”

Please think about the many points I have raised, John.  

If you or anyone on council actually do possess good will, show me.   Because none of what has actually taken place looks like good will.   

Show me what I’m missing.      

Do you remember when church meant something?  

~ L 

September 24, 2016

Email to Paula Sohl

Dear Paula,

Do you remember our last conversation?

 It was our first meeting with Christina in February.   Daniel and I were departing and I reminded you, “I love you.” 

You concurred.   

Christina expressed her cool displeasure, “There’s a lot of love around here.”  

What has happened to you since then?  

Christina was so overwhelmed and full of fear in March that she foolishly decided to make up a lie about us.  That is all it took, and she was instantly given authority to transform Daniel and I into enemies of Ashland UCC.   Even though UCC churches don’t, as a rule, cultivate enemies. 

The insanity has snowballed to such an astounding degree because apparently not one person in leadership, yourself included, cares enough about us, or the beloved community, or UCC principles or the word of God, to even have a conversation with us?!    No resistance what so ever to turning “beloved members” into enemies.   

Instead, all of leadership goes along. 

With unflinching support, Christina spends a pile of money on mediators as a way to dodge actual communication.  It works!

 And all of leadership goes along. 

Christina and Becky claim Daniel and I stalled mediation before the Special Congregational and then withdrew after.  This turns out not to be true.  

And all of leadership goes along. 

Christina was supposed to hold the Special Congregational Meeting in prayer with you.  Instead she rose out of order, to shame the congregation for clapping.   When in actual fact, there is no point of order against clapping.   After her fraudulent scolding of the congregation, she slandered us Again.   She waved her blue folder bearing false witness against us.   All of her behavior was wildly inappropriate.   

And all of leadership goes along.   

  Is there a log in your eye?

Or so much fear that you can’t think straight?

How is communion working for you these days? 

Do you remember me? 

Or am I omitted from God’s love and your heart now that Christina is in charge?    

Please consider these principles from the UCC website:

We believe that all of the baptized 'belong body and soul to our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.' No matter who – no matter what – no matter where we are on life's journey – notwithstanding race, gender identity or expression, sexual orientation, class or creed – we all belong to God and to one worldwide community of faith. All persons baptized – past, present and future – are connected to each other and to God through the sacrament of baptism. We baptize during worship when the community is present because baptism includes the community's promise of 'love, support and care' for the baptized – and we promise that we won't take it back –

Paula, you helped baptize us.  Apparently, that fact is meaningless to you now? 

Is this because, in your new church, covenants are tools used to punish the disobedient - nothing holy?  

I mean who really cares anyway? 

    Christina’s ministry of fear, lies and separation is a tragic Abomination to the teachings of Jesus and to the body of Christ.    

I would appreciate it very much if you would explain your love to me. 

    Please Remember,

~ L 

September 25, 2016, 6:41p.m.

We went to church this morning.  Marie was preaching.  So many people approached us and gave us hugs and pats or welcome backs.  I felt their love and kindness.  

We sat in the back row of chairs on the left.  Brad and Julia were there half way up toward the pulpit.  Daniel and I went up to light candles.  Brad took off.  

Turns out both Becky and Christina were in Portland. 

Marie’s sermon mentioned the need to engage in uncomfortable conversations.  We are going to have to talk about Christina’s misconduct.  That is what she gave us at the Special Congregational Meeting.  Public proof of her misconduct, her behavior makes her unfit for ministry in a UCC church.  

I shook Michael Lessmeier’s hand after, during the coffee hour.  Jerry Brooks was standing next to him.  I said to Michael while shaking his hand.  “Michael, give me a call.  We need to have an uncomfortable conversation about Christina’s ethical misconduct.”

Michael looked at the ceiling to his left, dropping my hand.

Update November 30, 2017

This entry describes a crucial moment in the whole story, because after 9 months of being shunned this is one of the only contacts I have had with anyone on council.   It is also the last contact I had with anyone in leadership before we received our amputation and trespassing letters the following week.  

Our amputation from community was the churches’ response to my very real concerns about Rev. Kukuk’s ethical misconduct.   

When I was on council we understood that our job as council members was to represent the congregation.  When Rev. Kukuk arrived she led the council to focus on meeting Rev Kukuk’s needs, abdicating their responsibilities to the congregation and to me and Daniel.  They blindly followed their unethical minister to the point of labeling baptized members “harmful” and banishing them not only from community but from the building.  Which means Al-Anon meetings, concerts and community events, funerals and weddings of friends.   

And all of them, council and clergy could never openly communicate with Daniel or me. They were only willing and capable of speaking about us behind our backs.  Oddly enough the covenant they attempted to make us sign on April 1st had 8 rules:    

#3. I will be honest and directly communicate with others.

#4. I will give others the same grace and understanding as I ask for myself.  

#5.  I will speak only for myself.

The council and clergy not only attempted to punish us with a punitive covenant and silence us with a gag order but they have displayed no interest in honoring their own rules.    The way the leadership of Ashland UCC treated Daniel and I, has demonstrated a complete lack of integrity.     

Excerpt from L’s journal:

October 6, 2016

I noticed that I feel much less vulnerable and nervous out in public.    The issue is ethical misconduct and it’s not mine.  So if anyone wants to have an opinion or get down on me about anything, let’s do talk.  I don’t feel shy about it.  That is a really good shift.  I have felt so maligned, powerless to control her slander, powerless to correct her horrible abuse of language.  Twisting words to confuse people.  Words like confidential.  She wants to hide all of her behavior behind confidentiality.  The paper banning us from the property was marked “Personal and Confidential”.  She uses this word to appear discreet and “appropriate” while she covers her lies.  I now equate the word confidential with = a tool used to cover wrong doing for personal gain.  

How about Body of Christ.   Rev. Kukuk assassinated my character, amputated us from our faith community and banned us from the property of the church, based on lies.  No actual cause, except her fear and wickedness.  So what does Body of Christ mean now at Ashland UCC?  

How about communion!!

What does anything mean?  

 7:51a.m.

I was so worn out yesterday I could barely function.  I felt under.  It was raining and I definitely felt somewhat gloomy with it but it was more than just the weather, I felt under the density of life on this planet.    

Why has so much energy been expended in defense of dark oppressive uses of force?  

The whole entire thing unnecessary, unskilled, immature, dishonest, brutally unkind, relentlessly sad.  All in layers.  

Once I get this request for a Fitness Review in, there is already a Situational Review getting underway.  Perhaps I can let go of trying to hold chrissy accountable and let someone else do it, like the conference!  I don’t know.  I just want to get my letter done and sent off.

October 7, 2016, 7:34p.m.

We were sent certified mail letters today officially excommunicating us from the church.  If we are on the grounds we are trespassing.  

I sent the paragraph to Lucy, Javan, Lisa and Karen.

I read it to Marie’s voicemail.  She called, we talked for a while.  She prayed with me.  She’s a good one, real, true to her God.  

She’s incredibly rare.  

I’m so grateful that I sent the request for a Fitness Review for Christina.  Even if they flake and don’t take any action, she’s had one filed and that is going to go so badly with her many character defects.  In fact everything goes badly with character defects like hers.  She has poisoned her ministry and the church.  And they willingly drink.  

My faithful heart and devoted service didn’t count for anything.  

Wow they must feel so good about themselves.  Very holy.  

I feel like I’ve been kicked in the head.   There is actually a fly in here. I’m going to have to murder him.  He’s not quiet, he will have to die.  

That is how Christina feels about me.  No option to go to a congregational meeting or to call a congregational meeting.  Or even go to the alanon meeting there.  They have barred me from the building.

I’m actually still in shock.   I didn’t really see what else they could do to me.  This action feels absurd.  Right in line with their practice: crazy and mean.  That is the theme, crazy and mean.  Here it is again, crazy and mean.  

I have had a headache for hours.  I took a zomig but I think it’s just grief.  The grief of another lost family another decade of investment, amount to nothing.   Deceit and cruelty win.    

Text of Farewell email sent October 8. 2016

Beloved community, 

It is from the deepest of heartbreak that I write to you. 

Daniel and I have been officially excommunicated from Ashland UCC.  We received a certified mail letter yesterday October 7, 2016.  This is historic because UCC churches don’t do this:   

"From this point forward, you are released from membership in the church.  We insist on an end to all inappropriate and unwanted communication with our staff, officers, and members, and you are henceforth prohibited from entering UCC church property and participating in church sponsored activities.  Any attempt to enter church property by you will be regarded as trespass."

Signed by every member of council (J.R. abstain).  

Nearly every Sunday for the past 10 years I have heard, “Whoever you are, where ever you are on life’s journey, this house of prayer belongs to you.”  You remember, that was our thing!  I believed in that.  I believed in communion and baptism and the beloved community. And I think, at least when I was on council, those things did have holy meaning.    I believed we were celebrating and honoring God together each week.  I loved our Sunday mornings.  I delighted in being a part of Ashland UCC, Body of Christ.  It was a treasure! 

Now, I just don’t understand what happened.  Christina accused us of some secret crime in March and since then no one on leadership will talk to us.    We are innocent of any crime, so we have continued to be alarmed and have tried exhaustively, to ask questions.  We have been continually slandered and lied about in communications, both in Congregational Meetings and emails from the church. 

We did nothing to harm Christina.

We did not withdraw from mediation. 

We never stalled mediation.

We have consistently wanted to talk to council and ask Christina questions about her actions toward us. 

We have been told both are impossible. 

The “deep pain” and “harm” that Christina talks about needing protection from, comes in the form of asking questions. 

Reverend Kukuk Will Not answer questions! 

Now we are banished.

Which only brings up more questions!

I see that the congregation does not get a say in excommunicating members. 

Why not? 

On what grounds are people being excommunicated - now? 

We still do not know, on what grounds, any of this has transpired. 

Apparently asking questions about our shunning has been deemed “inappropriate”. 

So much so, that we have been forbidden entry to the church of the “radical welcome”. 

I’m sorry to see that the council does not uphold any of the UCC Constitutional principles nor the stated unifying ethics of the national United Church of Christ.   I’m sorry that Christina has not been willing to approach us for six months and appears not be able to hold herself to any ministerial ethical integrity.   I’m so sorry that no one in leadership or clergy have thought to look to the words of Jesus for help in their obvious confusion and angst.  I’m sorry council does not intend to allow you to review Christina before she is installed.

Most of all I’m sorry for all the broken relationships and all the loss of goodwill.  All the Sundays to come, that we will not be together.   I thoroughly understand that Christina and Council don’t care about that.

But we do.  What we had together was beautiful and so terribly fragile. 

I’m bereft at the death of our communion.  My chest is constricted and aching to realize that our Body of Christ -  just isn’t, anymore.   I’m sorry that our church has become a place that is so unjust and unkind, the very opposite of a Peace Church.

I’m sorry to leave you under such terrible circumstances. 

God Bless You and keep you.  

May God show us all a Higher way, 

~ L Citizen

Greetings to all of you, friends in the Ashland UCC Church:

So....the cellist and the baker of communion bread have been banned! Amazing. 

Obviously, something has come off the tracks of the church now. I have taken a stand of conscience against what I consider abusive use of power on the part of church leadership. Instinctively I have known that there is something deeply wrong afoot. I have done everything I know to do to speak up about that. 

My last communication with the Council was for the purpose of clearing up what was either an intentional clouding of the truth or complete incompetence - I don't know which. 

At the Special Congregational Meeting in July, there was an almost universal sense - at least that is what I saw - that the congregation wanted the conflict resolved and for the mediation to work. To be clear, the conflict was always about accountability. L and I questioned how conflict was being handled - namely, to attempt to suppress it and hide it, rather than deal with it. Every time we questioned what was being done, the leadership initiated another round of bullying activity. But we were hopeful after the Special Congregational Meeting that at least we would be able to talk to the leadership in a facilitated setting. 

It was only a couple of days after that momentous meeting that the message arrived from Pastor Christina in an "e-flash" saying she was refusing to mediate. A week later, the mediation team concluded they could not move forward. Well, of course. How could they? 

Pastor Christina has made herself the central figure in this saga. How did a small dispute over paint color turn into a massive battle about accountability in church leadership?  Because Christina insisted on how the conflict should be handled. Christina insisted on a "behavioral covenant", the details of which, by the way, she herself does not abide by. 

Christina insisted on a threat of ex-communication. She had done it before in a previous church. I know this because David Schultz told me. 

And when members other than us were so concerned about the actions of leadership that they took the unprecedented step of calling a Special Congregational Meeting, it was Christina who rose, out of order - a motion to adjourn had already been made and seconded.  She called a "point of order" ( no clapping) that doesn't exist in Robert's Rules of Order, and then decided to claim in front of the whole congregation that the members who called the meeting were dishonest. Without explaining why. And accused us of something, without explaining what. 

Then she decided two days later to remove herself from mediation and refuse to discuss the conflict from that time forward, except for an afternoon of Q and A on a working day.  We let all of this go until recently, when L made a couple of calls to attempt to understand where people on the Council and the Conference Minister, Walter John Boris, actually stood on the events that had taken place. We discovered that there was an erroneous misunderstanding shared by both Walter John Boris and by John Love, that we, L and I, had not only withdrawn from the mediation process, but had been stalling in the process, not willing to move forward. These understandings could only have come from Becky or Christina. 

This is, of course, nonsense. The mediation process was something we had worked for, spent many hours with the mediators preparing for, and we were extremely disappointed when Pastor Christina unilaterally took herself out of the process. We confirmed with the mediators that they did not at any time convey either of those things - that we withdrew or were stalling. I then sent a letter to the Council to set the record straight. I think this  qualifies as one of the communications that the Council chose to use as a reason to remove us from membership. 

Neither the Council or the two Pastors have ever actually explained what their problem is with us. Just a lot of innuendo and throwing the word " harm" around.

Your church has now become an institution that has made a public statement that it can and will ex-communicate its members for no stated cause with no clear process at all. The church and you and I are all a part of our larger community. My way of processing something like this is to share and discuss. I will be posting on social media about this as well as sharing it with all of my friends, because...of course I will!  I expect that there will be shock waves from this that will ripple throughout the community.  And that is simply the natural result of the action that the Council has taken.  How unfortunate.

 Call me at 541-973-XXXX if you have questions...

With shock and sadness,

Daniel

October 9, 2016

Excerpt from L's journal:

I talked to Alasdair Burns today and boy howdy it was a watershed conversation.  

He was one of the five that said they would have on the new facilities committee.   He said when Becky called and asked him to be on the committee he declined because they are living in Portland.    She wouldn’t take no for an answer.  He said, I realized she was  bullying me. 

He went to the first meeting and Brad Roupp rolled out his plan to make the Morton Street property into offices even though the house isn’t zoned for offices it’s zoned for residential.  The plan was to go ahead and make it office space anyway.  

When Alasdair objected both Brad and Marilyn Love pushed back on him.  When he continued to object, Brad leaned in on him and said, This is why L had to go, she wasn’t going to go along with this.

Alasdair thought that was nuts and withdrew from the committee.  He has been in Portland ever since and knew nothing about anything, about paint or “the conflict”.  

WOW!  Brad admitting that they pushed me out because I wasn’t going to go along….

I’m so grateful to Alasdair for telling me.  He Knows what it is to be scapegoated.  He understood it was insanity.  

Thank you God!  

Higher Up?

It would appear from my experience, that The United Church of Christ handles issues of abuse and corruption by dismissing claims and functioning thru denial, shielded behind the name of Christ.  I found Walter John Boris, Elizabeth Dilley and Rev. Bunny Oliver with the Committee on Ministry, all extremely efficient in denying my concerns about the pathological new minister and dismissing her punitive and exclusionary policies with understated displays of apathy and piety.   

I had one phone conversation with Elizabeth Dilley who told me herself that she is the person charged with handling ethics issues for the United Church of Christ.  ( Ms. Dilley did not respond to my second voicemail.)

As she advised, I studied Section 8 of the Manual on Ministry. I understand the ministerial ethics of the United Church of Christ. Because the Committee on Ministry is charged with oversight for ministers, I worked for two weeks on my request for a Fitness Review for Rev. Kukuk. One of the ethics of a minister for the United Church of Christ being “I will speak the truth in love.”   As you can see from the Documents page of this site, I have lots of data, actual evidence, that Rev. Kukuk is a pathological liar.  I know from experience that Rev. Kukuk has no integrity with these ministerial ethics:

“I will regard all persons with equal respect and concern.

I will not use my position, power or authority to exploit any person.

I will not misuse the finances of the institution which I serve.  

I will avoid abusive behaviors.” 

Apparently, the fact that Rev. Kukuk has no integrity with the stated ethics of the United Church of Christ is of no concern to “the church”.     

I sent my thoroughly researched request both paper, snail mail and email as instructed.  The Manual stated, “Persons raising questions about an authorized minister’s fitness for ministry are to be treated with respect throughout the review.” I guess they avoid unnecessarily being respectful by determining there is no justification for them to do their jobs.  Bunny Oliver sent this message in response to my five page request:

“Having prayerfully reviewed your letter of October 7, 2016, The Central Pacific Conference on Ministry has determined there is not justification for a fitness review.

In Christ’s love,

Rev. C. Bunny”

Upon deep reflection, I can no longer assume Bunny values the true meaning of words.  She claims the committee was “prayerful” when it is painfully clear that they literally could not care less.  (Becky Martin also likes to couch all of her statements by proclaiming her lofty prayers.   Becky Martin may sit on the Central Pacific Conference Committee on Ministry, or so she said at the Special Congregational Meeting.  She lies a lot, so there is no telling…but my point is, she has a habit of using “prayerful consideration” to cover for vile, corrupt behavior, as well. I see a pattern.) Bunny, responding to a request detailing a lying, abusive minister simply states “there is no justification.”  She obviously saves her committee lots of time by denying the existence of the corruption that I was reporting in my extremely sincere request.   Bunny is so arrogant in her high position, she offered me one sentence of profound disregard as a response.  And then signs “In Christ’s love,”  It’s as though she wants me to understand that her practice is to use Christ’s Love as a cover for her lazy, apathetic disregard.  It feels as though she is sneering at me through the Love of Christ.  As a person who went to church because of my love for Jesus, Bunny’s letter reads to me like a page dripping in pure religious hypocrisy.  

From the Manual on Ministry:

“The United Church of Christ values and affirms such an understanding of episcopé. Power and authority—even supervisory power and authority— must always be tempered with love, mercy, compassion, and justice. Episcopal authority is no exception. Throughout scriptures, episcopal oversight embodies this sense of visitation and care. Oversight is tending the flock from a perspective of service, nurture, and support.”

As far as I can tell there is literally no consideration of ethics by the United Church of Christ, no accountability at all.  If there is accountability I have not found the magical way one might access it. There are people paid to pretend there are ethics and oversight of ministers.  They claim "Christ’s Love" as their own. They just don’t honor Christ or Love or community.   They answer one voicemail with polite tolerance, send out the shortest, most cynical e-mails possible, pick up the donuts on the way to the COM meeting, but apparently they don’t review deceitful and destructive ministers.  Perhaps the Committee on Ministry mails an annual newsletter to ministers on how to use words like Christ, Love and Prayer as shields, for what would otherwise look like humiliating defects of personal character.   That is one depressing conclusion my evidence would suggest.

  What appears so painfully clear at this point, is that the UCC church is about money.  Church pays the bills of those “higher up”.  Christ is just the poster child, well used for advertising purposes.

How Profoundly Sad.    

Sincerely,

L Citizen

October 12, 2016

Excerpt from L's journal:

Their power is in controlling the story.  I have been so incredibly patient and attempted to respect the church in every action.  But they never had any respect for the principles of the church.  And they think they can hide it.  They think that they can make me silent.  Excommunication was another accelerated effort to silence me.  It’s so inane.  They can’t.  They never had any control over my story or my communication.  Never.  Any.  But they just keep trying to make me silent instead of anything else.   So very strange.  So illogical. 

Never for a moment did it have any chance of succeeding and yet they have been doggedly determined that it will, no matter what they have to do.  They insist.  

Seriously, because they insist.  

I have actually been so measured in my responses to this insanity.  Yet, I have been so vilified and slandered and abused by these fuckers.  And I have been civil and always attempted to communicate effectively while seeking accountability.  They simply refuse to be accountable.  That is how you get excommunicated.  You override their rejection and unwelcome and you keep inquiring as to why they are behaving so poorly. 

I feel good about all the change that is happening now, this side of church excommunication.   While there was any hope of healing and reconciliation I was committed to working toward that.  But they have made their position clear.  And it’s an unethical, unsupportable position.  So now the motivation is completely different. The  church has been overtaken.  Now I am no longer attempting to protect the church.  The church we loved is dead.  I’m allowed to defend the community against the zombie church.

I’m so glad I called the UCC Presidents office this morning. I told the office assistant that my partner and I had been excommunicated last Friday.  We had a good conversation.  I got her attention.  She didn’t take my name and I didn’t ask for anything.  

I told her, I just think you should know that this is going on.  And that I will do everything in my power to let people know that that is not a safe church and not a safe minister.  You should know too.  

She said, What’s the minister’s name?  Where are you?  So she took some notes.  I may call someone every weekday.  I like asking about her accountability. 

Ministers

I feel the need to state that 2 years ago I never could have imagined creating a website to display a mountain of documentation detailing the lies and corruption of a UCC minister and her flock.    Two years ago I happily described myself as a “church girl”.    I loved church!

I have a tremendous amount of respect for the ministers that I had the privilege of knowing before Rev. Kukuk.  

Rev. Bill Bliss, Rev. Pamela Shepherd, and Rev. Diane Hooge were true teachers of Jesus.  I knew each of them as holy ministers of God.  I value each sermon I heard them give, each kindness I witnessed them offer.   I honor what an enormous job it is to be a minister and I marvel at how much stamina each of them showed in truly walking a sincere Christian path.   I knew each of them to be worthy of their callings and ever striving, ever graceful in their roles. They each glow in their capacity to share the Good News.  I love them.  

Rev. Kukuk has very little in common with my former ministers.  In fact they could not be more different. They are like night and day.   Nothing I report on this site about Rev. Kukuk should cast any residual slime onto anyone not involved.  Rev. Kukuk is her own kind of minister. It’s not about Jesus or even church for her.   It’s certainly not about love.  The salary, the collar, the lies, the new house, the old fashioned rules, the prestige. All that’s for Rev. Kukuk’s personal little glory.    

As for Rev. Paula Sohl, I don’t know.  

I know she helped baptize us.  I know I used to think of her as big hearted and quintessentially maternal.  I used to be grateful to call her pastor.   

I know she helped originate the shunning at Ashland UCC.  That started before Christina’s first day. Paula told my liaison, David Schultz, who I had contacted three times pleading for help, not to communicate with me.  She was concerned someone might “take sides”.  This "taking sides" is another example of the abuse of language that peppers this whole church saga.   "Taking sides" at Ashland UCC means showing consideration for anything or anyone other than Rev. Kukuk.   This "taking sides" is roundly condemned. Rev. Kukuk demonstrates this at the Special Congregational Meeting. You can here it on the Audio recording.   Sadly, this appears to have started with Rev. Paula Sohl. After Paula’s initial shunning initiative I have no idea what happened to the Paula Sohl I thought I knew.  I know that she refused multiple attempts by Daniel and me and even members of the Racial Equity Coalition to communicate.  On the grounds that she is “civil”.  Another example of abuse of language.   

I don’t know what happened to Rev. Sohl. It would appear that she sold her soul to Rev. Kukuk, thereby diminishing us all.   

November 10, 2016, 10:43p.m.

Excerpt from L’s journal:

The day after presidential election.

 I have been on facebook, looking at the world through my tailored window on the world.  

Marilyn Gibbons posted a video of a vigil outside the church.  A guy I didn’t recognize was holding the sign I made 3 years ago for the Pride Parade.   It reads “Jesus Excluded No One”.    Ashland UCC claiming a “chain of love”.  

On such a dark day, the church pretends they care.  They use the sign I made, which is obviously still allowed on the property.   Proclaiming they value what Jesus taught.  

It makes me nauseous.  

 Once Daniel got home he wrote on Marilyn’s page.  Diplomatic but honest about the hypocrisy.  She liked his comment and said she was sorry how things turned out and missed us.  And left his comment up.   

I will get up and go back to work tomorrow.  I will do something.  Make something more beautiful.  

 Today was earth shattering.  Not my first earth shattering day, even this year, but shattering none the less.  I’m bone tired of life.  I would love to pass away in my sleep.  And like always I won’t.  I could go on for decades.  

Life is looking more and more like hell.  

Leonard Cohen died today, how poetic. 

December 11, 2016, 8:28a.m.

Excerpt from L’s journal:

We packing up our 5 signs and are heading to the church.  I feel shaky on top but solid underneath.  

Disturb the comfortable.  

4:49p.m.

Well, we did it.  We went to the church and stood on the sidewalk with our signs. 

Rev. Kukuk LIES!, Abusive Church, Not WELCOME, CHURCH of LIES & ABUSE and SHUNNED NOT Welcome.

We were there before the first service and between services. 

Helena Sohl hissed, "Shame on you," on her way by.  

I responded, "It’s a mirror."  

I stared down Michael and Joanna Niemann as they silently passed by.  

Linda Wilson came out and took pictures.  I suppose she was trying to intimidate us.  I just stood there and looked right at her, holding my sign.  I think I even switched them for her.  She gave me the peace sign and I gave it back.  

Chris Sohl came out with a black eye and offered us cups of coffee.  I told him he could take them back.    

I asked him, "How do you justify casting us out.  Do you remember Jesus, I asked?"  

He said, "My name is Chris, so I think so."   

I responded, "Could have fooled me."  

Brian Sohl had another emotional meltdown.  He was trembling, red and shouting right in my face, "You’re just despicable!"  

I said, "Paula helped baptize me."  

I’m glad we went and held up a mirror.  It is worthless as a church now.  It’s a club run by Christina, who is a pathological liar.  Good hearted people can’t even look to see.   

At UCC denial passes for holiness.

I keep thinking about that documentary Dishonesty.   That really was such an eye opener.     80% of people regularly lie and it works to their advantage.  Our culture is encouraging and supportive of lying.  Nearly everyone is doing it.   It reminds me of the Stafford line, You learn what the rules are after the game is over.   I had no idea…  

Today just so happened to be the last Sunday for Becky and Jim Martin before moving to Portland.  That is by far my favorite part, that we were there to demonstrate on Becky’s big day.   Just the kind of sendoff she deserves, the shunned and outcast protesting on sidewalk out front.    Karma. 

December 15, 2016

L's Facebook Post

Cautionary: ABUSIVE CHURCH - ASHLAND, OREGON 

I post this now in full awareness of the incredible vulnerability a majority of us feel as our government turns more fully toward darkness, hatred and chaos.   Many people will look to faith communities for support.   I would hope to protect my community from the vicious minister and policies of a church that has tragically lost its moral compass, Ashland UCC on Siskiyou and Morton.  

Anyone who contemplates a faith community looks for one that aligns with their own values.   The values that the church publicizes should be the values that they uphold.   The UCC core principle is “All are Welcome”.   Which aligns with the central openness of Jesus, who taught “This is my commandment: Love one another.” (Matthew 22:36 – 40).  

How can any “Christian” minister decide for herself that the primary commandment does not apply to HER church?  Throwing “Love one another” out onto the sidewalk should not be a change that goes unnoticed or unchallenged.  It should be tough to sell such a notion in a UCC Congregation.  But this year, at Ashland UCC, what Jesus taught doesn’t matter.   

The new minister chooses to lie and hate people, so that’s that.   

My partner and I are left with the vacuous emptiness of exile from Rev. Kukuk’s church.   I see now that the hundreds of hours I served that community and every dollar I put in the donation plate was all just contributing to the illusion of sacred community.   But that the community itself holds no integrity with the values it proclaims.   If a church doesn’t hold integrity with it’s own proclaimed values, then what is it?  

In my experience Ashland UCC, has become ABUSIVE.  

The tragedy is compounded by the fact that prior to 2016, Ashland UCC was a shining example of a beautiful church, alive with spirit.  But this year it has undergone RADICAL change through the leadership its new minister, Reverend Christina Kukuk.  She delivers convincing sermons on Sunday mornings but her ministry is based on hateful policies and amputating, once devoted, members from the “Body of Christ”.  

Jesus Christ was notably not about enemy making.  This may be why:

Enemy making is profoundly messy and INEFFICIENT!  

Rev. Kukuk used her power as minister to declare that my partner and I are “harmful”.   Harmful is code for disobedient.    We certainly did disobey her homework assignment.  We would have loved to discuss our refusal to do her absurd homework, but she decided to expel us instead.  

As “harmful”, she deemed that we should not be allowed at her church and in October had us officially exiled from the community and the property.  

We are supposed to go AWAY.  Silently.

Well here is some reality:  

There is no AWAY.  

Ashland is a small town and the official hatred of Ashland UCC did not kill us.  

We are still here.  Now, rather than devoted servants, we have been made enemies against our wills and the folks who declared us thus, hide behind Christ for legitimacy.  

Except, Christ said, Love one another!!

In declaring that we would be trespassers if we set foot on the property, church clergy and council used no justification, no principles, no consultation with the congregation, no theological reasoning.  The only legs they stand on are slander, lies and their self proclaimed holiness.  

Meanwhile I am barred from attending my weekly 12 step meeting and dear Ramona’s funeral.  

If you have any part in church leadership (and Everyone in a Congregational Church bares some responsibility for the policies of that church) and you intend to cover up your abusive policies while hiding behind Christ.  

THE ENEMIES THAT YOU CREATE MAY NOT COOPERATE. 

This is a crucial example of where prayer and a contemplative practice would come in Super handy and would have saved an entire community from a pitiful downward spiral, lost without a moral compass.  Because if Rev. Kukuk or anyone in church leadership used any skills of contemplation or discernment about the situation, even a few minutes, they would have - thought again.   

Because, the last line of our Ashland UCC baptismal vows was our commitment to “resist oppression and evil.”   It is evil to throw people out of your “radical welcome church”, exile them from community and try to hide your hate behind your self proclaimed holiness.  

So for Rev. Kukuk and Ashland UCC, I borrow from the words of Maya Angelou,

“You may write me down in history 

With your bitter, twisted lies,

You may trod me in the very dirt

But still, like dust, I’ll rise.”

Uncooperative!   

For the Love of Christ - in resistance to evil and oppression,  

L Citizen

December 24, 2016

Excerpt from L’s journal:

10:12a.m.

Michael Lessmeier came into Noble's this morning with Sherrill’s daughter and her husband.  He saw us and gave us a wide swooping wave off to his right.  I said quiet audibly, “Really?”

He and his festive bunch ordered their beverages as my blood began to boil.  Fresh in my mind, I will not be allowed to attend Ramona’s funeral.  

I began breathing deeply as I watched his back, he was blocking us as well as he could while ordering.  As they finished ordering and went over to the pick up counter, I decided to confront him.  

I walked up to him and asked him if he realized that because of him and his idiot friends on council I would not be ALLOWED to attend Ramona’s funeral?  He stuttered something and I told him,   

"You are a coward and a fool!"  

He protested, "I am not a coward."

 I scoffed loudly, "Oh Yes you are!"  

I believe that is when his step daughter stepped between us and proclaimed, "Leave my step father alone!"
 

Which really only proved my point.  Michael took her by the shoulders and moved her out of the way.   Saying,  "Just don’t engage."

The great strategy of Ashland UCC.  

I said a couple of other things too.  But that is basically the gist of it.  

I know I said, Merry Fuckin’ Christmas before departing. 

I spent the whole day feeling the distress of the confrontation, my stomach was upset, I felt the conflict inside of me. I felt the hot indignation that Michael is the council person that I asked to call me “to have an uncomfortable conversation about Christina’s ethical misconduct.”   He decided to avoid any of that by participating in amputating and banning Daniel and I from the property.   That’s a coward, an ethically challenged coward!   And I’m so glad I didn’t let him wave me off. 

January 5, 2016

Excerpt from L’s journal:

I’m ok.  They didn’t kill me, they have exerted all the power they had and left a festering mess of lies, cruelty, broken relationships and stupid policy behind.  I don’t know how they sleep at night or look in the mirror.  It’s group delusion. This story is so not over.  They have done their regressive bullying best.  The story doesn’t end there…

January 9, 2017  9:35a.m.

Excerpt from L’s journal:

This morning at coffee Daniel said something that I identified with so thoroughly that I grabbed his hand, intertwining our fingers in confirmation.

He said, It’s a disaster.  Life is about, what can I do for disaster relief today?  

So incredibly well said

.9:40p.m.

I made progress today and I calmed myself down.  These are terrifying times.  I need to be disciplined in mindfulness.  Slowly cautiously processing, always checking in.  Or sit and pray, come to a full stop and wait for guidance.  Guidance will exist no matter what happens politically.  I can drop down and listen and allow myself to be guided by a much higher perspective.  

Stay here in this moment.  Keep my wits consciously about me.   Attempt to proceed wisely.  

January 16, 2017

Excerpt from L’s journal:

That is what was so disorienting about last year, it felt so nuts, because the behavior of church “leadership” was polar opposite to Good Orderly Direction.   They would not allow for anything righteous to happen, no matter what appeal was made.  

I want to make this year about MY Good Orderly Direction.  

**I put on my headphones with Leonard Cohen talking to me.  Which is so soothing to me.  I love my relationship with Leonard.  He’s perfect in it.  :).  You Want it Darker is such an incredible album and it so channels the pain and disgust I have felt all year.  

“Vilified, crucified in the human frame.  A million candles burning for the help that never came.” 

February 12, 2017

Excerpt from L’s journal:

Then we walked over to Mix.  As we approached Pony Expresso, Brad and Julia Rouppe came out  and walked up the sidewalk toward us.  We were moving at a pretty good clip, on our way to get coffee and have a brisk walk.  

Brad approached the passenger seat of Julia’s new car.  He was anxious to get into car and tried the handle twice as Julia took some time getting in and unlocking his side.  He slipped into the car in the knick of time before we passed.   He looked fearful.   As we passed by, he got safely inside the car, I felt the whoosh of energy shift.  I did a sweet little spin walking backward for a few steps as a smiled broadly at him.  

Letting him know, I saw that.  

Indeed I did.  

February 15, 2017

Learned David Schultz is moving out of state.  :)

March 6, 2017

Excerpt from L’s journal:

I sat down for tea with Lucy (Edwards) and she told me that Christina had a restorative circle for Jim and Lucy, Javan and Alex, a few months ago.  Javan refused to attend if we were not included.  Jim and Lucy and Alex participated.   Christina was concerned about her reputation, Lucy said, “it was Her circle.”

Circles are supposed to be about community, they don’t belong to a particular person.   Michael Niemann facilitated this fake circle.  

Lucy didn’t want to talk about it!!!  Confidential.

She also told me that the day Christina read our expulsion, she got a $20,000 raise.  And now Adam (Kukuk) is the Music Director, where previously it was in her contract that he could not be.  

March 8, 2017

Suddenly I’m awake to the religious theater that was actually taking place while I was telling myself and believing there was a holiness in operation.  I now have to admit that I believed in lots of illusions.

Lucy admitted the reason she abandoned us months ago.  We sent an email she hadn’t authorized (7.16.16).  She decided she was being misrepresented without checking or even asking us about it.  Convicted us without any information.   Just withdrew her support and participation in mediation.   Torpedoed mediation.  

Disregard.    

Christina set the example. Everyone followed suit.  

March 10, 2017

Got a call back from Kevin Flynn at the Planning Office.

March 16, 2017

Excerpt from L’s journal:

The church of trap doors and cat shit.  (I use cat because it smells the worst).  I feel like I have fallen through another trap door and I hit my head hard and got knocked dizzy.  I’m still disoriented, trying to get my bearings.  All the bearings were a lie, even Lucy.  Even Javan.  Even “the church”.  Lies.  It’s very heavy.  

I’ve had a migraine every day for week.  

It’s so utterly disheartening to find out who people actually are.  Dazed and confused.  It’s hard to comprehend how to go forward in the world.   

Tears keep streaming down my face, unbidden.  

March 30, 2017

I can’t do anything with the greater field, nothing at all.  I have been trying to contribute something positive to the world my entire life.  The world gets more corrupt, separate, confused, abusive, oppressive, dire. 

I suppose everyone really is pretty numb at this point.  So they are maybe having a muffled reaction.  

All of us have been raised up in a time of intense propaganda and brainwashing.   The general population is misinformed or poorly informed.  Most people have lived their lives in various stages of denial.   It’s impossible to live in this world with integrity and know anything about history and current affairs and make all the compromises you have to make to function and feel whole and sane.  We have created an oppressive system that is devolving the collective, our very WE.  

Michael Niemann

We have learned that Michael Niemann facilitated a farce restorative circle for Rev. Kukuk.

This was not an actual Restorative Circle because Restorative Circles advocate going toward conflict, meeting in a circle where there is no rank.  Everyone has equal footing. Everyone has the same opportunity to speak their truth.   

In setting up Michael Niemann’s non restorative circle Michael rejected Javan Reid’s request that Daniel and L be included.   Javan was well aware that Daniel and I had been asking for a Restorative Circle for a full year at that point.  

 “That is not possible,” are the words I heard Michael used in responding to Javan.  Javan recognized the fraudulent nature of the invitation and declined to participate.  

Michael spoke to neither Daniel or I in any regard, once Rev. Kukuk arrived in Ashland (January 2016).  

 I always believed Micheal to be an intelligent, rather sweet man.  A thoughtful, professor at Southern Oregon University.  

I knew him only through his wife Joanna Niemann, with whom I was once friends. Michael and I both participated in the Restorative Circle workshop that took place a few years ago.  

Michael had only started attending Ashland UCC a couple of years before Daniel and I were removed as members and banned from the property.   But in the winter of 2016-2017, he chose to assist Rev. Kukuk in facilitating a fake restorative circle.   A circle barring the central victims of “the conflict”.   Participants were at least: Lucy Edwards, Jim Phillips and Alex Reid.   I was told the purpose of “Christina’s circle” was to benefit “Christina’s reputation”. The fake circle Michael facilitated served to further amputate Daniel and L from community by destroying the trust that remained among each of the individuals.   

You might ask yourself, why would Michael Niemann agree to host such a slimy “restorative circle”?  I still wonder myself.    His hosting that fake restorative circle had him behaving outside of integrity with all the values of Restorative Circles and common decency.  Publicly.  

However, I am guessing he was told that his restorative circle would be confidential.  Confidentiality is how Rev. Kukuk shields herself and others in her favor, from anything true she can’t hide in other ways.  

Despite Rev. Kukuk’s devotion to Confidentiality,  I reject the concept as an acceptable cover for church misdeeds.  A minister who lies with such shameless abandon as Rev. Kukuk NEEDS transparency.   Michael Niemann is another example of Rev. Kukuk using whatever and whoever is most convenient to use for her own personal advantage.   

Why would Michael blindly support a minister he had just met a few months before?  

A minister who had created astounding new policies that don’t even make logical sense, let alone have any grounding in any principle either of the United Church of Christ, Restorative Circles or Christ himself.   

It seems as though Rev. Kukuk’s title and prestige as minister requires a new mindset. It would appear she has created a specialized religion, wherein Rev. Kukuk is the reference, judge and primary beneficiary.  

I am obviously not there so I cannot explain how it happens.  But it appears as though anyone talking to Rev. Kukuk comes away convinced that Daniel and L are THE fundamental problems of the church and that communication with us is NOT an option.   These two ideas are the seeds of Rev. Kukuk’s ministry.   This dyad of blame has become some sort of religious trance that those who still attend the church must assimilate in order to belong.   It has no basis in fact.  And no one cares about facts. Truth and facts simply can’t be tolerated under Rev. Kukuk’s rule.  

Not even by the professor?

Sadly, it would appear not.   

April 2, 2017, 8:17a.m.

Excerpt from L’s journal:

Sunday morning.   

This used to be my favorite time of the week.  

Now it’s like playing mental bumper cars; circling the well worn track in a ridiculously ineffective vehicle bouncing off obstacles, set by others.   Pinging off anger, ponging into resentment, sliding helplessly into existential doom.   

This would be communion Sunday if that were a real thing.  I would be dropping off warm bread right now.  Wishing everyone Happy Sunday!  

No matter how sad or unwell I was or how desperate my circumstances seemed, I honored the rituals of church.   In a world that felt almost devoid of meaning church was literally my sanctuary.   Weekly sacred ceremony honoring Spirit/God in my life and the life of my community was my way of honoring something good amid the apathetic, unsustainable, privileged stupor of the world around me.   I truly believed my church was an exception to all the dead and dying churches everywhere.  I thought we were alive with a shared Love of Spirit.

Now, I am reminded of Maya Angelou and her poem the Mask. 

I attempted with all of my Self to shine as brightly as I could.  Letting go of my fears, putting down my symptoms and trials to offer what I had to a spiritual community.   I believed that I was contributing and part of a “beloved community”.   In the context of church, I thought I found a Body of Christ that was a real collection of spirit and good will.    However not a year after being baptized the new minister arrived in town.   Apparently, her religious expertise as a “minister” for 10 years granted her the insight that the very first thing she needed to do was perform a childish, crude and arrogant amputation of my partner and myself from her property.   

Every single member of council and congregation stood by like sheep in a field gazing off into the distance.  Baaa Baaaaaaaaa Baaaa.  

Now the church belongs to a mean little child in a minister’s collar.   

Allison pointed out,  “Have you every spent any time with sheep?   They’re Dumb!”  As she pronounced the word dumb she lowered her voice, her eyebrows the corners of her mouth to their lowest, to indicate her disgust.  

“DUMB!”

She elaborated, “Jesus had a lot of different animals to choose from when he was describing the people.  He Chose sheep.  It wasn’t an accident.”

I have lost my faith in community and I realize now that church is an inherently dysfunctional construct.     I guess that is the whole point of writing about it.  If I lay it all out then something is set right.  For me.  I can’t make them ok.  I can’t do anything about their group mind of sickness.  They have chosen it.  

But I can transform what it means for me.  

It necessitates transformation.  WWhen things have come around to total injustice and rank stinking bullshit, then transformation is the only reasonable response.  

I have to get it out of me, to lay it out logically, to state clearly what I see through the deliberate, multi layered spectrum of confusion.  Set something straight.

This is the story of the death of my church.   Assassinated by an ice cold minister.  

A minister her congregation was not willing to see.   Even as her foul mouth spat petty lies on their pulpit.  Somehow inside themselves they translated her arrogant, self pity into holiness.   Because nothing less would do them justice.  Forgetting entirely what the word justice actually means.  

I have noticed how reassuring it is to document it.  To just sit down and write it down, whatever it happens to be.  Especially if i can say it well, with clarity or power or slicing through layers of crap.  Putting words together in such a way that the pain is tapped and some of the poison is drained.  Some of the insanity calmed with reason and logic.  Some of the unspeakable betrayal laid out, illuminated.  

I’ve done much better today in accomplishing things.  

I feel tiny shoots of hoping rising from the ashes.  

April 13, 2017

Excerpt from L’s journal:

Went to the al-anon meeting heard a share about a bully at a church, a different bully, different church.  

 I was inspired to come home and google, “recovery from church abuse”. And the angels did sing.  

April 14, 2017, 5:20p.m.

Daniel went to Medford on the bus and I stayed home and did research on church abuse all day.  I listened to all of the remaining Ken Blue’s sermons on religious abuse that I started yesterday.  I finished reading the book that is no longer in print on line, Recovering from Churches that Abuse.   

Both resources were incredibly helpful.   Just reading other people’s stories.  Hearing scripture that directly unmasks the abuse of the church and the contradictions with the Bible.  It was helpful to hear lots of different stories from all types of people and all were devastated by the loss of their church.  

April 16, 2017

Excerpt from L’s journal:

I’m relieved I got through Easter really well.  

I’ve been listening to, Faith Circus, from The Refuge.  It has been so therapeutic these last few days.   They sound authentic and truly trying to walk with Jesus.   Both have left abusive churches.    I listened to “Scapegoats and Narcissistic Pastors”.   So helpful to listen to people talk about it.  We are not the only people to be forced out of a church.  It happens all the time.   Kathy said, “It is violent, because it’s a severing.”  

Church is a business, making money and managing resources is actually the bottom line.  

April 17, 2017

Excerpt from L’s journal:

This is about healing.  Healing this particular new kind of abuse and grief.  And I do feel much better in a qualitative way.  I feel like I’m finding my community and we are church refugees.  This feels like a section of the puzzle just got put together and I am more whole than I have been for a long while.  

I was so identified with the community I was so very lost by the sudden violent abandonment and the shit storm of bs that went with it.  Severed with ugly incompetence and slander.  Still grotesque.

But less and less about me.  It’s a well established pattern that churches of many stripes share.  It’s not the part that is publicized.  But it looks rampant.  

The resonance with another person over something that hurts so deeply for the same reason, that resonance heals.  Connection heals, disconnection hurts.  

May 2, 2017

I had no idea.

Church was an illusion, a dream world, built and managed in my mind.  It was beautiful.   Reality - not so much.  

May 3, 2017

I purchased a kindle Faith Shifts today. Oh Thank God for Kathy Escobar!  

I’m learning so much about authoritarian church.  I never went to one, I could never have stomached it.  There are lots of rules and lots of shaming for rule breaking.  

I was never down with any of that.  The norm at our church used to be God loves you no matter what, we don’t need a bunch of rules.  

But Christina needs lots of rules.  Because she needs to rule.  

May 5, 2017

Excerpt from L’s journal:

For a long time my faith community was the center of my life. My foundation.  

I have had to reorient, which is ok because I was clearly oriented toward an illusion of community rather than a community.  It is better to be awake to ugly reality, otherwise I would be participating.  

Also because I lost the falsehoods, I have gained access to my voice.  Truth has become so much more important to me than politeness. In fact I resent politeness in the face of injustice.  I do not want to cooperate.  

May 8, 2017

Excerpt from L’s journal:

Daniel was down stairs washing the dishes just now.  He called up and said, "Honey?"  

I answered, "Yeah?"

He said, “I want to apologize to you for not taking you out of  that meeting with Brad and Becky as soon as it was clear that it was a fuck job.”  

I was surprised, we’ve never talked about staying in that room so long.  Too long after we both could see Brad was abusive.  

I responded.  “Well we just didn’t know what we had gotten ourselves into.   We had NO idea.”  

He agreed,  “We assumed good intent where there was none.”   

And that is the solemn truth.  

May 18, 2017

Excerpt from L’s journal:

As I was walking home this morning, I was heading toward the same corner as Chris Sohl.  When I got close enough, 

I asked him,  “Why is it the church hates us?”  

He responded sounding incredibly smug, “We all make our choices”.  Kind of in sing song tone, like he was talking to a child.  

He referred to the "documents” a few times.   His reliance on Christina’s documents was startling.  Such rubbish!  The piece was so absurd it was  kept it in Tege’s office, one needed permission to view the “documents”.  Party A B C D salad of nonsense.   And here is Chris Sohl the youth minister prancing down mainstream sweeping my relevance away on the basis of Rev. Kukuk’s “documents”!   Christina has never spoken to me or Daniel about what happened.  She whines repeatedly that it happened before she arrived and she had documented it with Complete bias so that Brad and Becky bullying me comes out making me guilty.  And Chris Sohl is pleased to the point of smug with the Kukuk documentation!  

He said he doesn’t believe that Christina is a pathological liar.   

I reported, Paula is a liar too.  

He said, I’ve lived with her a long time. 

I replied, I’m sorry she’s a liar.  And I am.  I’m so so so sorry.  We loved Paula, we thought she was the quintessential mother.  We thought she was our pastor, that baptized us.  No one has been more of a heart stomping, soul crushing disappointment than Paula.

And she is Chris Sohl’s aunt, I think he lives in her basement.  

It was not at all good to talk to him because he was so satisfied with the way things are.  Smug denial just rubs me the wrong way.  Frantic to end the conversation, he said, "look, I don’t have time for this."  

That excuse, Again.  Ashland UCC doesn’t have time to hear from people they abuse.  And look at how much time has been wasted!  

I needed to get to work, I was already dressed, I decided to leave him at the crosswalk.  I told him he is a fascist.  I hope he thinks about it, because he is.     

May 28, 2017, 10:07p.m.

Wow, Daniel caught Christina in another lie.  She claimed that the mediators recommended banning us from the property.  He wrote to Kate and Joanne asking if that was true.  Kate wrote back one word, “no.”  And she copies Christina, so she would know she was being outed.  

Happy Sunday.  

I am so aware that this entire nightmare has happened behind my back.  Other people talking about me and deciding what they wanted to say and do about me.   My community condemning me without any participation from me.  

I wish I could understand why others don’t see.  

At all. 

Denial.  Need to belong.  

It’s infuriating waiting to hear how others are treating me in public.  And to consistently hear the hate the minister speaks with regard to me.   People are only encouraged and supported in talking about me in negative terms.  

Speaking words in support of me is roundly shamed, NO taking sides!  

And this relates to Christ how?  

May 30, 2017

Excerpt from L’s journal:

Booked a room at the methodist church for the new Wednesday Noon Al-Anon meeting. 

June 1, 2017

So where am I with God?  

I don’t know.

God is beyond my ability to know, that has always been clear. Humans are small.  It’s so strange that humility is so rare.  

It’s all so very strange.  

I like the things I do with my life and where I live.  I mean the church really is a spreading disease, which is a bummer.  But they made me the enemy.  In response I have become a warrior.  I never wanted to be a warrior, it’s just that I finally realized this is war.   The war is insidious, it’s in everything.  The systems were created with inherent biases and dishonest motivations.  

America, for instance has always thought of herself as “the home of the brave.”  

I am a 51 year old, white woman and I look around and see so many cowards.   The heartless cowards are the ones that really rise to the top in our systems that value only one thing: profit.  The all encompassing fight for money that pits everyone against everyone else.  Survival of the few.  The few that have the advantage of living life without the burden of a conscience.

June 17, 2017

Excerpt from L’s journal:

On my way home from my purchases, I encountered Brad on his moped.  I was stopped at the intersection on Walker and main.  He was heading north but circled around in the Fitness parking lot to come up behind me.  It seemed as though he was feeling frisky and wanted to poke at his scapegoat a little.    He was right on my tail when we both stopped at the light in front of the university.   His head bobbled around like I’m not doing nothing.  

I wanted to confront him but we were in traffic, I didn’t have time to really say anything.  And he was behind me.  

What do I want to say?

Brad Roupp

None of the material on this page, nor the page itself would exist if Brad Roupp were an honest man.  

He remodeled Ashland UCC approximately 15 years ago.  Our former pastor, Pam Shepherd, was so grateful to Brad for his constant service to the church that she glorified Brad into something of a casual saint.  

I knew him by reputation before we met.   I saw him as vaguely Mennonite and observed that he wears shorts every day.  He is wealthy because of all the properties he owns and employs as vacation rentals.  

I served on the Council of the Ashland UCC from 2012 to 2015.  At one of my very first Council meetings, Rev. Pam let us know that Brad was tired of his endless service and wanted to step back from maintenance  duties.  Throughout my three year term on Council, I consistently heard about Brad’s fatigue. 

I thought I understood Brad.  I renovated houses for 15 years in Maine and I understood the love of a building.  I also understood that he had a lot of pride in the building and knew all the ins and outs and obviously could not let it deteriorate around him.  So he kept working.

That is why I volunteered to chair a new Buildings and Grounds team in the spring of 2015,  before my Council year finished.  Brad was again asking for help and I decided to start helping. One of the things on Brad’s list of needs at that time was that the downstairs trim needed a fresh coat of paint.  I own and operate an interior painting company here in Ashland (then Citizen Paint  - now has a new, better name, Lady Painter) and I was happy to volunteer.  

Brad showed me what he needed done: the trim down the the hallway,  and around offices, classrooms and bathrooms.  I scheduled several four hour shifts to get it done.  I was working one day on the trim of the nursery door when Brad came in.  He was amazed.  He said, " I was here the other night and I could smell paint.  I came down and you did the trim!  I can’t believe it.  People say they want to help but no one ever does anything.  And you’re good!"

I said, "thank you. I know."  

(I say this because in fact, I am a painter.  My mother reports that I started painting when I was 4, and I was pretty good then. 

I love color and love to create a pleasant space.   I relish the smooth consistency of paint and graceful flow of my work because of the luscious fluidity of paint.  Paint brushes feel like the most trustworthy of tools, more like dear old friends.  So much is possible with a paint brush in hand.  It’s so simple and so beautiful.)  

But at that time Brad and I were relative strangers.  He said, "I want to give you hug".  We hugged. I thought we were off to a great start.  

Brad cleared out after that and wasn’t around much for the rest of 2015.  I was basically working part time, getting a team organized and updating paint around the building.  Brad was finally able to step back, the way he had been requesting.  It was a good thing.  He had so much resentment for the people who use his building.  Every time I spoke with him he led with a moral lecture and always spoke of his displeasure with all the different things people did to his church.  Leaving clutter was especially disconcerting to him.  

It came as a complete surprise to me on January 12, 2016, when Brad arrived while I was painting the smallest bathroom.  He was clearly there to rehang his painting in the sanctuary. There was something wrong with the wire on the back. He fixed it and rehung it on the wall above the altar.  I realize now he was setting his stage for the new minister, as the Kukuk’s were due to arrive in Ashland that day.  That was why I was working.  All the bathrooms were looking worn and David Gabriel (my Building  and Grounds co-chair) and I had decided they all needed a fresh coat.  I was doing the same thing I had been doing for the past 9 months, updating the paint at the church.  But on that day Brad was taking his church back.  He announced almost immediately that all color changes at the church were up to him - forever.  

Surprised to hear this, I suggested he come see the bathroom.  I felt not the slightest bit uncomfortable showing him, because the color I was painting was one shade less orange than the color I was covering.  If anyone were to compare it to the original color from the bathroom across the hall, the difference is indistinguishable.  

But Brad flipped out, started complaining, told me to stop and stomped out of the building shouting, “You should be responsible”.  

I actually finished painting the bathroom, assuming he would come back and apologize.   Having been a grown up and in recovery for so long, I thought apologizing for acting like a bully was an obvious next step.  

That night Brad sent me an email telling me stop my work.  

I responded to his order by calling “bullshit”.

The following week Daniel and I attempted to meet with Brad to discuss the disagreement.  Brad called on Moderator Becky Martin, and sent a text reply, “Becky wants to sit in.”   At that meeting Brad started out lying about his behavior and graduated to making absurd and abusive remarks toward and about me. 

I was incredulous.  Half way through the meeting, I turned to Becky and asked, “What is your role here?”  She whined in a tiny little girl voice, “I’m just a silent observer”.   Then sat back and allowed Brad to go on and on, with outrageous insults, looking stunned and incapacitated.  

After that meeting Brad refused to attend mediation with me.   

The first mediator, Karen McClintock said that it would be important for the community for Brad to meet with me but he decided he didn’t want to.   Becky and Christina were resolute in their support of Brad’s privileged perspective and clearly have made it the core focus of the church to protect Brad and themselves from accountability.  I realize now that Christina and Becky do not support personal accountability for themselves either and prefer to do things in the style of a bully.    Ms. McClintock told me she was “relieved” that Brad refused to mediate with me.  

That felt alarming. I  was concerned about Brad’s hostile and erratic behavior and asked both Karen McClintock and Rev. Kukuk about my personal safety.  Karen refused to answer my questions and Christina disregarded my questions entirely.  Rev. Kukuk has always disregarded my questions entirely. 

It is remarkable that Becky was able to find a minister so in line with her and Brad’s leadership style.  Becky, Christina and Brad really were three peas in a pod.   A pod of bullies in charge of Ashland UCC.  (Although Becky Martin has now moved out of town, to Portland, I am told.)

Brad Roupp could be on a poster as the quintessential privileged, rich, white man.  

As someone pointed out on facebook, Brad doesn’t need to bully people, he already has everything.  Yes indeed.  As we see all around us today in the news, privileged, white men quite regularly do really inappropriate things, just because they think they can.  Then they pretend they didn’t.  

Before Rev. Kukuk was hired, Becky Martin had been leading the Search Committee for over a year in an effort to find our new minister.  Julia Roupp (Brad’s wife) was on the Search Committee.  Some time into the search, Becky and the Search Committee claimed that they could not possibly find a great minister for the amount of money we were offering.  I believe at that time it was a salary and benefits package of $80,000.  Everyone got nervous and the Council decided to increase the salary and benefits to $100,000.  Simultaneously Brad Roupp told the Search Committee that if the minister was “good enough” he would sweeten the pot by remodeling a house for the new minister.  Brad had done this for Pam Shepherd and she was able to sell her Brad Roupp house when she left Ashland. I imagine she made a healthy sum.  I wonder if the proposition of a Brad Roupp original home played any part in Rev. Kukuk’s response to Brad’s bullying?  

Ultimately I think Brad’s own explanation is why Daniel and I were amputated and banned from community.  After I resigned from my job on Buildings and Grounds, Rev. Kukuk deciding changing the name of the committee would be the best way to address “the conflict”.  In the first meeting of the new “facilities committee”, Brad shared that he was remodeling the Morton Street property into offices for Rev. Kukuk and Rev. Sohl.  The building was zoned residential, so the remodel would be in violation of code. But Brad is used to doing whatever he wants, so he was proceeding as planned.   When Brad explained his intention, someone spoke up, pointing out the obvious: the church shouldn’t defy the zoning regulations.  Brad was clear. He made the decisions, it wasn’t open for discussion.  Still not getting total buy in, Brad announced: This is why L had to go. She wasn’t going to go along.  (I’m paraphrasing, since I was not there.)

Oddly enough I did not know, at the time, that Brad was planning to defy the zoning regulations.  But he was right. I wouldn’t have gone along.   Brad knew I am a no nonsense person.  I have no interest in underhanded shenanigans.  No interest in using my role at the church to get away with bullshit.  I was never going to fit into Rev. Kukuk’s style of running a church.  

Since hearing about Brad’s pronouncement at the facilities meeting I have been in contact with Kevin Flynn of the Planning Board.  He inspected the Morton Street property and found the church in violation of code.  Mr. Flynn reportedly gave them 90 days to comply with codes or be fined.  I am told that during the 90 day grace period, Brad reapplied to have the zoning changed and that his reapplication was expected to go through.  Brad does what he wants.

As is plainly obvious, upon a quick reflection of what Rev. Kukuk has been doing since she arrived in Ashland, all of her new policies are very compatible with Brad’s position of prestige.  They also fly in the face of all UCC branding.  Rev. Kukuk is dishonest, unkind and exclusionary.  She is overcome by deep pain when questioned about anything.  She makes terribly, irresponsible choices, and lies.   

So does Brad.   It seems as though Brad’s little fit in the bathroom on January 12, 2016, his long alliance with Becky Martin, and Christina’s vision for her conservative church with liberal advertising, lined up as an unholy trifecta of bullying behavior.  

Should I fear Brad now? I don’t doubt that Brad would attempt to harm me further if he thought he could get away with it.  I’m sure he still slanders me.

 I don’t know what he is going to do. I know he is capable of hiding behind women to abuse a servant of the church.  I know he’s agreed to profound cruelty against me, to cover for his immaturity.  I know he is the most pious, resentful, petty man, I have ever been attacked by. So what is there to fear?  

His behavior has been so childish, so cowardly and mean, I can’t help but think of Brad as pitiful.  Just another rich, privileged white guy, using all of his advantages to screw over working people.  Using all of his extravagant privilege to bully the woman who had been diligently working at his church for a year (or 6.5 depending on when you start counting) when he decided he would fire her.  Because, Brad does what he wants.   Thanks in large part to Brad, Ashland United Church of Christ is nothing of the sort.  From everything I have experienced and as all the documentation on this site clearly shows, “United” isn’t even a goal at Ashland UCC.  

Ashland UCC, is UCC in name only.   

The name of the church really must be changed.  

 They could call it:

Brad’s House of Bullies and Fools.  

Or 

Christina’s Old World Church of Secrets and Shame.  

Either of those names would at least be honest.  If they changed the name of the church and stopped claiming that "All Are Welcome" or that they stand for PEACE, it would be fair.  They would have integrity with their advertising and thus with the public.  Right now all of their advertising is profoundly misleading.  And that does the whole town a disservice.  

I just cannot abide.  

The reality is tragic.  Brad is a liar and a bully.  Christina is a vicious liar and a bully. They are both extremely immature, dishonest and mean. 

Ashland UCC is their “church”. 

June 24, 2017

Left a message for Becky B.

She destroyed the sanctity of the A-Alnon group in honor of her sanctimonious need for control.  Super.   

From the Work of the People

“The only thing that mattered, is what you can get from the land, water, soil.” 

“People that have never learned to love the land have a messed up relationship with the world, we are profoundly stupid people.”  

“Churches in America are dying.   And maybe the dead should bury the dead.  Maybe that’s a good thing.” 

June 25, 2017

 I used to value the notion of being intentionally small.  It felt safer, smaller ecological footprint, less harm to the earth.  Easier on my nervous system.  

I already had ptsd.  

But then my beloved church attacked me, to the point of amputation.  Slow motion, violence that they declared “Confidential.”  My site is my response. Setting the record straight, having my say, affecting the way people see  that God Awful church.    

Remaining small is no longer an option.  I am big and my notoriety sort of exploded.  But I am noted for Christina’s insane ministry.  Where she heaps blame upon me to cover for her numerous character issues.  

None of her shit is actually about me.  

June 27, 2017

I went to the grower’s market, I parked on California.  Joanna Niemann rode by me on her bike and said, “oh hi L.”  I called after her, “well that is ridiculous”.

I was instantly running and I caught up with her locking her bike.  When she turned around, I was right there.  She was clearly startled.   

I said, "How does it feel lying about me in church."  

She said, "I didn’t lie".  

I said, "Oh yes you did."  

And something like:  You told the congregational meeting that based on your expert evaluation, a Restorative Circle would be inappropriate for us.   

I told her that I was disgusted with her official lying and mutilation of Dominic’s form to serve her hateful, ridiculous minister.  

She whined, "I consider this harassment and I’m going to call the police." 

I said, "Please do, I want to talk to them about your fascist church."  

She put her phone down for a moment.  

I’m glad to be able to disturb her ugly comfort.  

All of their violence against me has sharpened me. 

June 28, 2017

Excerpt from L's journal:

I had my hour with Noel (Chatroux).  He loved Daniel’s idea of confronting Paula about exclusion and non communication.  “What is the principle that corresponds with equity?”  

When I said I could make an art form out of confrontation, he loved the idea.

To feel like I deserve unconditional love and respect.  I don’t know why, but I know God loves me.  

So I am naturally annoyed when people try to assert that I am unworthy of even the smallest common courtesy. 

I don’t identify with their opinions.   I really don’t.  Thank God for that.  

I realize that Joanna’s immediate knee jerk reaction to me calling her on lying about me to the congregation, she immediately criminalized me, “This is harassment.”

Christina and council have somehow managed to criminalize me, in other people’s minds.  The church disease has never been about my behavior, it has been about character assassination resulting in stripping us of humanity and therefore consideration.   All to hide Brad, Becky and Christina’s ugly, unjust behavior.  Paula had to protect them.

From us.  

It’s very heavy   

Announcement in the July 27 eweekly 2016

NonViolent Communication For the past year we have gathered weekly to practice our NonViolent Communication skills at the Ashland Library. We have grown out of the small study space and are exploring larger venues. Peace House has invited us to meet there, as NVC is an integral part of their mission. Beginning August 2, and Tuesdays through August, we will meet there, 543 So Mountain Ave, Ashland, Tuesdays from 4:15 - 5:45.The practice group is really just that -- an opportunity to try out different ways of saying what we must say and hearing even difficult things without blame and judgment, i.e., using connecting communication. It is a setting in which we take whatever time we need and we support one another. Those who come have read Marshall Rosenberg's NonViolent Communication and/or have taken a class(es) using his book. Some come once or twice, others come regularly. The contact person is Joanna Niemann,

Joanna Niemann

In this ad, Joanna Niemann offers yet another Non Violent Communication class.   

Meanwhile she helps the new minister at her UCC church lie and slander one of Joanna’s former students out of the church.   While giving her former student no opportunity for “connecting communication”.  In fact, Joanna stood at the Congregational meeting and proclaimed that a Restorative Circle would not be advisable for us.  But the reason given is not Rev. Kukuk’s agenda.  

The reason given is that a Restorative Circle would require mental health professionals.  Golly! That is a large judgment being made about community members that are not present to defend themselves from this particularly vicious lie!  Non Violent Communication?  Anyone?

The churches new policy of blaming all of Rev. Kukuk’s character defects on L and Daniel has made Joanna’s “connecting communication” apparently “inappropriate”.  

Joanna stands as a self proclaimed expert in Non Violent Communication and Restorative Circles in Ashland.   She also refuses L and Daniel any consideration as human beings.   Apparently, Rev. Kukuk’s goal of removing us from community was enough for Joanna to jump on board to help.  Helping meant that the congregation should never hear “difficult things” without blaming L and Daniel, in their absence.   How does that line up with Joanna’s class?  

“an opportunity to try out different ways of saying what we must say and hearing even difficult things without blame and judgment, i.e., using connecting communication. It is a setting in which we take whatever time we need and we support one another.”

Joanna Niemann apparently only teaches those ideas in lieu of actual conflict.  When an actual conflict arises, she seized the opportunity to contribute to slandering old friends.  She supports her minister, who is a pathological liar with an icy cold heart.  

   Restorative Circles are a form for addressing conflict that starts with the premise that we, as a culture, might change our inclination toward separating parties in a conflict and instead do the opposite: come together.  Dominic Barter’s Restorative Circles advocate  going toward conflict, meeting in a circle where there is no rank.  Everyone has equal footing. Everyone has the same opportunity to speak.   

This is exactly why Rev. Kukuk determined that a Restorative Circle would be inappropriate, because all of Rev. Kukuk’s power resides in her rank.  She HAS to be the dominant voice in the room.  That is an important piece of the new Ashland UCC.  Another very important piece is that no one communicate with Daniel and L.  Since Rev. Kukuk was new to the community in 2016, she needed trusted community members to support her new corrupt policies.  Becky Martin and Paula Sohl were obviously crucial and devout supporters of Rev. Kukuk’s corrupt ministry.   But somehow in direct opposition to all of the principles of Restorative Circles and Non Violent Communication, Joanna Niemann became an advocate for Rev. Kukuk’s new, dark church as well.  

As a former student, former fellow church member and former friend of Joanna Niemann’s I would like to submit this reference:

I know Joanna Niemann to be so controlling that she is driven to be dishonest.

My experience is that Joanna Niemann’s image is quite a bit more important to her than her words and actions. 

Niemann teaches Non Violent Communication and at other times Restorative Circles, while simultaneously behaving without integrity with the principles of either form.  Niemann is setting a dishonest, destructive and corrosive example for our community.  Joanna Niemann’s communication about me or on my behalf is deceitful.  

June 30, 2017, 12:45p.m.

I laid out March this morning.  Painful.  I’m still trying to unclench.  It was so disorienting.  It started with me writing to Karen with my questions and getting a ‘I’m not going to answer your questions for everyone’s best interests.’  And ended with the invitation from David to meet at the church (to get our papers).  

In between I got the flu, Daniel went to the council mtg, and we had our second and final meeting with chrissy.  We both thought the meeting was painful but productive.  We had no idea who we were dealing with, or what level she was functioning from.  The whole month was a swirl of disorientation.  

Gilda asked us if we wanted to go back to the church.  I was more adamant than Daniel, "No way!"  

Daniel said, “Well if I’m honest, I believe Christina is a psychopath, or some other serious anti social personality that prevents her from telling the truth.”   

Well said.  

July 1, 2017,

Excerpt from L’s journal:

Daniel received a shaming email from Karen Staal.  She calls Christina the “anointed one”.  

It was Disturbing and unsettling.

 But there is no way in which it speaks of church strength.  It’s like a gasp for mercy from an addled old woman.  Confused and fumbling around attempting to help her insane minister.  Desperately flailing about in her delusion.  

There is no power in any of that.  I have pity and deep concern for her mental health.  

July 2, 2017

Excerpt from L’s journal:

We got a message from Gilda last night that she had called Paula and offered to support her, the way the group has been supporting Daniel and me.  Trying to stimulate a conversation.  Paula responded that all of her non communication is “civil”. 

July 4, 2017

“Sacrilegious agony.”  Fredrick Douglass

July 5, 2017

Excerpt from L’s journal:

I passed by Paula and her way up town as I was walking to my meeting.  She was on her bike and maybe 2 feet away, I passed her like she wasn’t there.  Because let’s face it, she’s not.  

I mean sinking low and being part of the dreck.  Calling her behavior civilized.  I love that Noel (Chatroux, my therapist) took exception to that today.   Using the word civilized to describe denial and bullshit.  He used the word bullshit.   He has been so solid through this horror.  Thank God for Noel!

  July 6, 2017

Excerpt from L’s journal:

I got myself so organized and ready to go that I had the space to realize I want to do a ritual to help me release and process some of the pain and grief of the church.  So we are planning on having a fire on the beach and I have spent the evening making hand holding paper cut out dolls.  I have named them all.  I have gathered all the pieces and written sacred words on them.  Communion Bread, My perfect offering.  Our Baptism.  It hurts me just to write the words out.  

I’m really glad I’m creating a ritual.  Ceremony is important.  It does matter.  This trip is going to be a good clearing. 

July 8, 2017

Excerpt from L’s journal:

Our cabin was so sweet and the fire pit with wood was just perfect.  I would not have been able to line the congregational paper dolls for the ceremony on the beach.  They would have blown away.  At the cabin there was no wind.  They just laid there, docile as real life. 

Then all the pieces, all the people holding hands, Communion, My Perfect Offering, Our Baptism, Kindness, Jesus, Beloved Community, Two ministers painted brown, dirty.   

And my big painted heart all went in the fire. Ashes to ashes.   Daniel spoke and then I did.  I shed a few tears.  We stayed with the fire a long time, then packed up to leave.  I needed a funeral.

Driving along, witnessing.  The beach offers such an expansive, enlivening reality.  

I’m so grateful for this trip.  

July 17, 2017

Excerpt from L’s journal:

Becky B. called the police to the Monday Morning Al-Anon meeting, to avoid taking responsibility for her bad behavior. 

July 20, 2017

Excerpt from L’s journal:

 I am realizing this morning that Becky picked up the justification to treat me with total disregard from the the church.  That is how they treat me.  

I represent the ugly truth about the church and so they have criminalized the very idea of talking to me.  To protect themselves from the truth.   But the truth does have power.  It made Becky dissolve into panic.  

A massive cluster of lies have been told to support the irrational decision to bar us from the property.  As with all lies, they have had unintended consequences, which the church has handled with more lies.  

When Rev. Kukuk accuses us of “aggressive communication”, she means we would not stop questioning her cruelty.  The behavior was outrageous and she simply refuses to speak to us.  The “attempts at mediation” failed because she refused to participate.   Somehow that is our fault too.  

July 21, 2017

We were sitting in Noble’s this morning, in our safe place, and Paula (Sohl) walked in.    I saw her come through the door.    I alerted Daniel and he moved closer to me and held my hand.  We stayed looking at one another.  He said, this is probably not a good time for a confrontation.  I agreed.  But mostly because I had that sensation of falling backward through space.  The trapdoor sensation that came over me so often over the past 19 months.  Where I feel completely in jeopardy because of the ill will of those in my former community.  We never were community, it was all a farce.  Paula is a farce, but she had her job to make her appear legitimate.  

The only thing I truly felt like doing while sitting there, was actually vomiting.  That seemed both biologically called for and metaphorically appropriate.  She is sickness to me.    But we just sat there.  She didn’t come to the pick up counter but purchased a bag of coffee and scampered to her car.   

It is So Sad to me that she is so toxic and devoid of compassion on the level of soul.  She had replaced values with cold “civility”.  She is the worst kind of role model.  

Thinking about her feels like a spiral of sick despair.  A personification of de-evolution.   As is Kukukafuck.  They harken demise, the downfall of civilization.  The spiritually and morally bankrupt as teachers and leaders and priests.  That is our current status, everywhere I look.

August 16, 2017

Excerpt from L’s journal:

Marianne Williamson told me years ago to think deeply about something before making a response. I took that to heart and have followed that guidance for at least 10 years now.  In general that is good advice. It totally worked against me in the church nightmare, but everything did.  

I’m taking it less personally now, since my return from Michigan.  I care less about each of them.  They feel like more of a failure of group consciousness.   They should be studied.  Not joined or participated in, but studied.  Sick church 101.  

August 20, 2017

Excerpt from L’s journal:

Sunday, It feels like all of Ashland is tainted with Christina’s ugliness.  It sickens me to think of them, everyone taking in her lies and narcissism as their holy communion.  Just the exact opposite of what people need in this horrifying, soulless time.  

That church is opposed to thinking and so are it’s people.  They took on a minister without any discernment.   Refusing to look at the waving red flags.  

Refusing to see. 

Too busy trying to curry favor with the new minister.  Their new little god.  

Worse than little.  Inverted I say.    

August 21, 2017

Excerpt from L’s journal:   10:46a.m.

I got an email from Reggie this morning “bowing out of the controversy”.  

I am heart broken again by the momentary pledges of support that evaporate during gossiping conversations behind my back.  Nearly the entire ritual scapegoating and ongoing slander has all gone on behind my back.  No one has the guts to look me in the eye or stand up to me.   Hiding their cowardice behind righteousness. They can only speak against me, while I’m not present. 

After which, whatever support I might have had, evaporates.  

Today has been tough.  My back spazzed out when after I got the message from Reggie.

Heartbreak is such a common occurrence in the age of meaninglessness.  

August 22, 2017

Excerpt from L’s journal:

The truth is so much uglier than I thought or was prepared for.  I am still trying to adapt to the depth of disappointment.  The death of ideas that I cherished, like beloved community and communion.  I loved those ideas, they were alive for me. 

August 30, 2017, 

Facebook event Protest Song Sing Along Posted by Mark Yaconelli.

Daniel posted about the Protest Song Sing Along scheduled to take place the UCC.  

L's facebook response:

I’m so grateful for this post and the many conversations it has sparked.  It is Tragic that at this time in American history that the Ashland “UCC church” is not a place that people with hearts for justice can gather in good conscious.  Instead it has become a place that makes enemies and bans congregants from the property, when they question the ethical misconduct of the immature and deceitful minister.  After banning people with slander and lies, the same minister Kukuk proclaims  “All are Welcome”.  The “church” flies a rainbow flag and sports a Black Lives Matter sign, meant to pretend it is an inclusive, safe space.  It is NOT.  The congregation pretends that Hypocrisy is just fine as long it is cloaked in religious garb.  

Well, it is NOT fine.   

Ashland UCC is a SHAM.   

September 3, 2017, 8:47a.m.

Sunday morning Facebook Post:

Dear Community,  Protect your precious hearts and souls, stay away from Ashland UCC!

It is another Sunday morning.  

I used to wake up on Sunday mornings full of joyous anticipation of going to church.  

It is depressing and Embarrassing to admit this now.   

I used to attend Ashland UCC (2010 - 2016).  I truly felt and believed that it was a place the faithful gathered to find ways of amplifying God’s love, as a group.  I thought we shared the ideal of the “beloved community” all inseparable and devoted, our mission was to love as God loves.  

I was a FOOL!    

Since March 30, 2016 I have learned so much from the ministers and leadership of ashland ucc.  I have learned that what matters at that church is money and the minister.   I believed in all the precious notions of transcendent connection like communion (I baked Every Loaf of the communion bread that church served for over 6 years).  I thought we were a beloved community and a “united” body of Christ. 

I was a FOOL!

My partner Daniel and I were in no way, prepared for battle with a rev. Kukuk who is so willing to lie, so willing to destroy us to cover for herself and Brad Rouppe.  

“Leadership”  banned me from the property before I even realized they were determined to do so.  At the time I received the registered letter in the mail declaring me a trespasser, I still thought I was a baptized member of a Congregational United Church of Christ.   

The “church leadership” decided that talking Exclusively about us, behind our backs and never again allowing us on the property was the “civil” way to hide all the lies that led to our amputation.  The added feature of our dirty excommunication was the ministerial shaming  (public and private) of anyone who dared speak up for us or voice any support what so ever.  

I Still Worry for the poor souls who go to the “Peace church” looking for solace or guidance, decency or God.  

DON’T GO!!!   

Ashland UCC has kept their advertising.  It is politically progressive shouting, “All are Welcome!” They keep proclaiming that even now, that their speech, actions and policies are regressive, exclusive, dishonest and cruel.    

More than any other single thing, I believe that the white, western world needs to start holding it’s leaders, bullies, bosses and CEOs accountable for their Deplorable behavior.  This is my piece: rev.  Christina Kukuk and rev. Paula Sohl have chosen to be unethical and dishonest about myself and my partner in numerous places on numerous occasions, verbally and in writing.

*There are No avenues to hold churches or church leaders accountable for BAD behavior, which is the problem at the foundation of all of this.  

** If you have read this and want to do something to help the community, please consider asking someone in leadership at Ashland ucc to lift the trespassing ban that excludes us from attending public events, meeting or the funerals of our friends.  As long as the entirely unethical ban is in place, the “agitation” will continue.

***If you read this please write “witness” in the comments below.  It’s not the kind of post that works with an emoji, but I would love to “get a witness”.  

Excerpt from L’s journal:

10:46a.m.

I just posted the message above on facebook.  That feels right.  I need to do something outward with my Sunday energy.  

6:13p.m.    The facebook post has gotten LOTS of witnesses!  

Diane Newel Myer got super defensive about Brad.  

Daniel’s post on the Facebook thread ( later facebook censored the whole thread.)

Diane, I hear you saying that you know Brad.  Do you imagine that you know Brad well enough to know all parts of him?  You are correct he didn't need to bully me out of the church.  Everyone already knew he owes the church, he didn't need to strut around and piss all over me and my work.  Not only does No one Need to behave like that way, No one should treat people the way Brad treated me.   I know Brad to be a man who was devoted to ashland ucc for many years.  Who got tired and resentful of all the up keep and responsibility.  Started pissing and moaning about his tireless burdens about the time I arrived in Ashland in 2010.  I was asked to be on council in 2012 and over the three years I served on council, Brad’s resentments were a constant theme.  

Like a bloody Fool, in the winter of 2015 (while still on council Diane was minister) I agreed to chair the Building and Grounds Team and start helping.  

Diane, I acknowledge that you have shared several judgments, opinions and even conclusions.  I hear that you believe you know Brad.  I agree Brad does have a

reputation for being very generous and kind, I have seen that side of Brad too.  He also has a reputation for moral pontificating and not working well with others.  (He refuses to sit on committees for example.) I personally have been bullied, shouted at, accused, insulted and slandered by Brad Rouppe.  Brad helped Christina design a punitive “covenant…in the way of Jesus” that Daniel and I were told we had to sign and abide by. (I’m happy to give you a copy to study.  It’s Something Else!)  Obviously we refused to sign.     

I know it is surprising, I was in shock that such ugly and vicious behavior could come from my church. I actually believed the people at Ashland ucc were my friends, my faith family.  I could never have imagined that after 3 years on council, 6 years of baking ALL of the communion bread, after a year of working hundreds of hours updating the paint in the church that Brad would stomp in like an impudent child and declare me no longer welcome - and that Christina would decide to make THAT her new religious law.  I could never have imagined that the council would convict me of secret accusations (we don’t even know what we were accused of) and promptly begin a relentless mission to assasinate my character with lies.  In September 2016, I shook hands with Michael Lessmeier (on council) and said “Please call me, we need to have an uncomfortable conversation about Christina’s ethical misconduct.” The following week we received certified letters removing us from any and all community events and banning us from the property.  Not a single meeting with church leadership to even hear what their problem was.  The heralded line at the church is there was “lots of mediation”.  Even people who imagine they are my friends believe there was “lots of mediation”.  The church did pay for mediation.  But Christina and Brad both refused to Participate in mediation with us. Mediation didn’t actually occur.   And we were blamed for that to.  

If you are truly interested in this situation, I am happy to sit down and have a conversation with you.  

Sept 5, 2017

Facebook Post: 

I am posting a photo of one of the batches of organic, Challah, communion bread I baked for Ashland UCC (EVERY communion for 6 years).  As Leonard Cohen sings, “forget your perfect offering.”  Since the devious ministers decided that Daniel and I were church garbage and they had every right to throw us away with their lies, I don’t bake communion bread anymore.  I used to serve this bread for the first Sunday of every month.   Offering a broken loaf to each person who stood in line to tear off a bit of the “bread of heaven” and dip it in the “cup of hope” (juice).   Every single communion I baked and served, I felt connected to the Body of Christ in a transcendent, we REALLY ARE all one, kind of way.  

Obviously, I was a total FOOL!

As of October 2016, I am no longer allowed on the Ashland ucc property, because they are afraid I will come and speak truth.  They decided, better to lock people out, than allow truth in.   

I send out a BIG THANK YOU to my witnesses Sharon, Lida, Marie, Robbie, Mom.  I cannot not express how much it has helped me to have your witness.    Just typing that one word “witness” truly mattered - to me.  Because I desperately needed help and asked for it and you actually responded!  THANK YOU!!!  

To Marie, Candace, and Gilda especially - you are my sheros!  THANK YOU for your convictions! THANK YOU for your courage!  You are TRUE heart warriors, I bow to you, my trinity of hope!!!  YOU make the world a Better place, THANK YOU for staying fierce!!!

I Respect and Honor you!!! 

There is a lot of talk these days about being an ally.   As someone who has desperately needed an ally I can report that we are not a culture that fosters ally behavior.   An ally needs courage and conviction and from my vantage point those qualities are in woefully short supply.  

Here in Ashland at least, comfort and self rationalization seem to be the sacred principles to which people cling.  My experience is that self justification stands in for morality and spirituality.  I cannot express how alarming, disturbing, disappointing and ultimately depressing this Hellscape has been.  I still sit shaking my head to realize anew that my faith community sat by and allowed horrors to take over their church, too smug to even care, let alone resist.  They have the easy out, they can pretend they love rev. Kukuk, and that makes them sound like Jesus matters.  I have seen nothing that respects the teachings of Jesus from ucc church folks.     

*lies = The ministers at Ashland ucc have lied repeatedly about us.  One obvious and verifiable lie is that they have claimed repeatedly that there was “lots of mediation between the parties.”  This is Not the case.  The “leadership” including clergy did not meet with the 6 people attempting to discuss the conflict.  Instead rev. Kukuk refused to participate in the mediation she claimed she relied upon and blamed us for the failure of mediation.  Kukuk not only told this lie to the congregation but also to the Conference Minister.  There are a series of additional lies that I have proof for.  For example the lies told to the congregation at the Special Congregational Meeting.  I have the official recording of this meeting.  If anyone wants to listen it’s chilling, when rev. Kukuk rises, out of order, after the call for adjournment is seconded and blasts the assembly with a host of false statements.  

• corruption = Creating scapegoats and implementing new policies based on ill will, lies and character assassination without facts.  New minister lying and slandering congregants to achieve amputation of faithful servants of the church.  Changing the policy of “United Church of Christ” from ALL ARE WELCOME, to amputation without to due process.  Associate minister and council perpetuating lies with false statements of congregants they chose to amputate.  

September 7, 2017

Excerpt from L’s journal:

After my bath, facebook told me they took down my post from Sunday!  Because it didn’t abide by community standards.  I read the community standards and I couldn’t see where it violated them.  It’s a shame because it was an actual debate, which I found so incredibly refreshing.  There was a whole community of responses, there was dialogue, conversations were inspired.  

I just went to check Facebook and my account is all grey, I think they have frozen it.  That makes me want to make a website.  

September 10, 2017

Facebook Post (censored/removed by facebook.)

Please be my Witness:

Last week I posted about the corruption at the Ashland united church of christ. I made my deeply sincere post on 9/3 and asked for witnesses to my story.   

I received many witnesses which lifted my spirits.  It has been a lonely road for Daniel and I to be ruthlessly amputated from the church we used to love.  My post led to inquires and dialogues, and the thread blossomed into an actual public debate about corruption at Ashland ucc.  I was so encouraged by the open conversation that has needed to happen all along and finally got started last Sunday right here on Facebook.  

And with an amazing discussion and lots of participants in the conversation 

- Facebook Removed the post.  

I was left a message that the post had violated “community safety standards”.  I have not even figured out if it is possible to communicate with Facebook to debate the validity of the claim of violation.  (If anyone has intel on this, I would love to hear.)  I have no doubt that church people reported the post, because truth exposes them as the toxic and twisted institution they are.   

I am sad that the thread is gone, finally some truth was getting air and there was engagement and discussion.  It was much healthier for community than allowing a corrupt church to just carry on slandering and scapegoating people and controlling the whole story. 

This censorship by Facebook is particularly sad to me because the entire church nightmare was enacted by silencing, shunning, slandering, distorting and controlling communication.  

Not once did the “church leadership” allow for discussion with the people they had declared enemies, us.  They apparently decided in one meeting on March 30th, 2016 that we were no longer faithful servants of the church and beloved, baptized, members of the community.  It appears as though, they decided we were garbage and they were going to throw us away by any means necessary.  No discussion, no debate, no interest in feedback from the congregation, we never even got to face our accuser, rev. Kukuk, or hear what we were accused of.  Kukuk wanted us gone and she refused to talk to us, ever.  She has not spoken to us once since March 30, but she has slandered us relentlessly, accused us with multiple false claims and got church “leaders” to amputate us from the community and also banned us from the property.  Because we are banned from the property there is an insinuation that we are dangerous which is not only a lie it’s insulting. 

Of course we have tried exhaustively to talk to rev. Kukuk but she will only talk About us.  

And when she talks, she Lies.  

Because she is a minister, she has an absurd amount of power.  People want to trust her.  They don’t want to believe she could be lying or hateful, or simply unfit.  So there she is fouling the pulpit of Ashland ucc, for an absurd amount of money.  She got a big fat raise for kicking us out…

This is the ugly reality of Ashland ucc.

Thank you if you witnessed or participated last week, it was a real break thru for me.  People that never chimed in on the post were reading along, the amazing thread led to several meaningful conversations.  I very much appreciate the opening for information to be shared.  I hope Facebook doesn’t feel the need again, to eliminate free speech to protect a corrupt and vile church gone bad.  

Please comment “witness” below if you are one.

And THANK YOU!  If you can hear me - THANK YOU!  

Simple witnessing has an incredible power to heal.  

As much as lies have the power to hurt and destroy.    

Witnessing heals.  

Will you be my witness?  

~ L

September 11, 2017 

Excerpt from L’s journal:

How does one survive character assassination?   How does one survive excommunication from her beloved community and church and thrive on the other side?   How does one accept exclusion based in lies and deal with the added exclusion from al-anon meetings.  All based on lies, gossip and criticism, couched in smug narcissism.  

How do I bounce back from that?  

September 17, 2017

I blocked church people from my facebook feed.

September 13, 2017, 2:27p.m.

Excerpt from L’s journal:

Facebook suspended me.   The lifeless screen says it will be a 24 hour suspension.  

I looked up appealing suspension on Google.  It looks like a black hole.  They suspend people and block capabilities at will and there is no appeal.  Some people have no idea why they have been blocked or how to avoid getting blocked in the future.  It looks like Facebook is just another cog in the fascist wheel.   Noel and Marie agreed that it was very disturbing.  I’m disturbed. I came home and blocked all other church people I could think of.

September 15, 2017

Excerpt from L’s journal:

The good people denial strategy.  

The truth is too sad and ugly to consider.  So we don’t.   We put it on the big raft of hateful shit and impossible problems we have to be in denial about to get up and function every day.  The raft of things we can’t handle or help or control.  

 The depth of the insanity of it all is overwhelming, most people feel powerless to even talk about the dystopia unfurling in front of us.    It disturbs me that everyone seems so committed to non communication or out right lies.  While the good people keep things running, nice and polite.  Even in the face of evil and hate, I have watched as a whole community has just politely turned away.  Murmuring about their goodness.  

Patting themselves gently.  

But the website can be a whole series of little projects.  Getting all the emails up.  The twists and turns.  The LIES.  Put it all up in a format that “the church” can’t control.  

I don’t like being silenced and dismissed.  Left for dead, while they don’t  even having the mercy to kill me.  

Al-Anon and Becky B.

AlAnon is a fellowship of relatives and friends of Alcoholics that follows the 12 steps adapted from Alcoholic Anonymous.  I have been a grateful member of AlAnon for 26 years.  (My first meeting was a Sunday evening, Feb 9. 1991.)  

The steps and traditions of AA and AlAnon are miraculous gifts that have become the very framework for my life and the lives of so many millions of others world wide.  

There is no question that Al-Anon has been a profoundly life saving program for me.  The steps, traditions, tools and fellowship have proven invaluable.  

I attended Al-Anon faithfully long before I started attending church.  The policy of Al-Anon is that “we have no opinion on outside issues, hence our name ought never be drawn into public controversy.”

It is an added layer of tragedy of what has happened at Ashland UCC that Al-Anon has been dragged into this ugly drama by Becky B’s obstructive opinions.  

(I am not using her full name because we place “principle above personalities” and our principle is anonymity.)

Becky B. appears to have taken on a governance role for AlAnon in Ashland.  She is a big proponent of rules and regularly attends both the Wednesday noon meeting at Ashland UCC and the Monday morning meeting at the library.  One of the last statements I heard her make was at a business meeting (6.5.2017). “I welcome a conversation about traditions.”

However that was six months ago and I have made numerous efforts to speak with Becky about the traditions and how they relate to her leadership choices.  Becky’s behavior has had profoundly negative effects on my life and on the fellowship of Al-Anon. Becky refuses to entertain a conversation with me.  

I am deeply sorry that I could not find a way to appeal to Becky in a private way.   It has been my long held practice to honor the principles of the program.  I deeply value the principles but have found myself powerless to have even a conversation with Becky about the honor system.    And because Becky has behaved with total disregard toward me and the principles of Al-Anon, I am compelled to strongly object, here.  I thoroughly  acknowledge that it would have been much more respectful and traditional to talk in person, over the phone or at a business meeting.  But Becky chose not to show me or the traditions of Al-Anon any respect whatsoever. So here we are at extreme measures.  

There are many reasons this troubles me so.  First is that Al-Anon should be sacred ground.   "The only requirement for membership is that there be a problem of alcoholism in a relative or friend."  There is no dispute at all that I qualify for membership six ways to Sunday.  But because Ashland UCC  no longer honors it’s own sacred principles and has broken trust with the public, I am barred entry to the place where Al-Anon has chosen to meet.

There is something very basic about the fabric of society and the rules that we follow as a matter of principle.   When any group organizes around a set of principles, then integrity with the principles is central to the health of the group.  Huge problems arise when some people feel they are both in charge of the rules that protect the principles and that the rules and principles don’t apply to them.  And those same people are leading others with gossip, criticism, manipulation and dishonesty.   

Ashland UCC should not ban people from the property to protect their unethical minister.   The church hosts both AA and AlAnon meetings on their property.  Yet traditions 1 and 3 of the AlAnon program clearly guide meetings to be open to everyone. So the church breaks faith with recovery groups too, when they make radical changes in policy that ban people from their property.  

After a year of missing my home group Al-Anon meeting, I was inspired to start a new meeting.  And I decided to start it at the same time, noon on Wednesday, at the Methodist church.  By having a new, welcoming Al-Anon meeting on Wednesday, I was transforming a weekly resentment over a meeting I am barred from attending, to a blessing that would grow and flower with blessing upon blessing, week after week.   

I sent an extremely, carefully crafted announcement to my former home group and had a friend (another member of Al-Anon)  read the announcement for me.  The following week a different member of Al-Anon went to read a slightly revised announcement for me.   My announcement was an expression of my experience, strength, hope and excitement after the devastating, injustice of being barred from my church and therefore my home group Al-Anon meeting.  

The text of which is below:  

Hi Everybody!  I miss you!  

My name is L and this used to be my home group.

You have not seen me here in about a year because this church is no longer open to everyone.   I am one of the people they have barred from the property.   The leaders of this church have never been open to discussing their new policies.  I don’t even know what they have accused me of.  

I have been through hell over this, it is a very long and convoluted story.  I am more than happy, eager in fact, to talk to anyone who wants to know more about these circumstances.    Call me, let’s talk.What is relevant here is that this is no longer a safe and welcoming space. 

I called World Service and I was told that a meeting in a building that does not welcome everyone would not be honoring the third Tradition, that states “the only requirement for membership is that there be a problem of alcoholism in a relative or friend.”

The Al-Anon Alateen Groups at Work, current, booklet states at the top of page 35. “Al-Anon and Alateen group meetings are usually held weekly in a place that is welcoming to all…”

The 5th Tradition states in part: “Each Al-Anon Family Group has but one purpose: to help families of alcoholics…”

I’m so happy and excited to meet any or all of you at the new meeting in alignment with Al-Anon principles and traditions:   Next week, June 14th, Wednesday at noon. 

 At the Methodist Church, on the corner of  Laurel and Siskiyou (main street).

I hope to see you there.

Thanks for letting me share.

~ L

However,

Becky B. barred this announcement on June 7, ’17.  She objected so strongly that my beloved friend left the meeting in protest for not being allowed to speak.  Barring members from speaking is unprecedented behavior in my experience. 

It is clear that Becky B has big opinions and judgments about me and Ashland UCC.  I talked to her once, very briefly, right after Daniel and I were amputated from community, while I was still quite traumatized.   She recommended I go to Medford meetings.  

I assume, based on her behavior, that she feels some shame around Ashland UCC.    But that she refuses to do her own work around her shame.  She was clearly triggered by my announcement the first time and decided she needed to be in control.  So rather than talking to me about her concerns, she simply waved and said, “Hi sweetie” when she saw me at the Monday meeting on June 5.  Then two days later (June 7) she chose to block my announcement with shaming pronouncements about what’s appropriate.   In the process Becky B. was projecting her shame on the new Al-Anon meeting, me and my friend.

This moment, where Becky blocked my announcement, is a critical example of how abusive behavior and policies of Ashland UCC have spread into the community.  If I were not barred from the building, there would be no need of another Wednesday noon meeting in town.  If I were not barred from the building, there would be no need to send a friend with a written announcement.   If I were not barred, Becky would not attempt to block my voice, because she demonstrably doesn’t have the courage to stand up to me.  But because I was not there, the group is weakened by a “leader” willing to twist things a little bit, on the grounds that she knows the meaning of “appropriate”.  And because I am barred from the building, we can’t have a civilized discussion about it.   Because I am barred from the building, Becky B. has clearly felt emboldened to manage the Wednesday meeting and  disregard me as a human being and member of Al-Anon.   Al-Anon is involved in this church nightmare because they meet in the UCC building and because Becky B decided to take advantage of that travesty, to redefine “appropriate” for the Wednesday Al-Anon meeting, and beyond.  

Having been refused an audience.  I am compelled to communicate with Becky B. here.  My letter to her is below:

Becky B,

I am deeply concerned that your control issues, shame and lack of humility, are having a destructive effect on the fellowship and program of Al-Anon here in Ashland.  I can see clearly that the 12 Traditions of Al-Anon are rules that you like to lord over others but that you imagine don’t apply to you.  

That is simply not true.  The way Al-Anon works is that “our leaders are but trusted servants. They do not govern.” So your efforts to govern from a place of gossip, criticism and exclusive control are destructive to the integrity of the program itself.  Your personal behavior has now made two Ashland meetings unsafe spaces for me. Your disingenuous leadership of Al-Anon meetings is simply not ok.  

When a dysfunctional religious authority begins persecuting members of Al-Anon your response should not be to see what part you can play in persecution.  Like the church leadership, you chose not to talk to me about your concerns before you began exerting your controlling behaviors on meetings.  When I attempted to speak with you, you did not return my calls.  When I caught up with you before the Monday morning meeting (7.7.17) you told me “I’m not talking to you L” and then rapidly dissolved into tears.  Then - you called the police. 

You called the police to an Al-Anon meeting.  

Calling the police should have been a wake up call for you.   If you were actually working a program, Step 10 would have occurred to you.  And yet you still claim that I am not worthy of an audience with you.   I wish that when Reggie contacted you in amazement that you had called the police, (because she was there to witness your bizarre behavior) that you had been honest and willing to take responsibility for your actions, then.

I wish you felt strongly about the effect you are having on the fellowship of Al-Anon..   

I deeply wish that I did not have to search World Service for ways to approach your character defects that are adversely affecting my life and the program of Al-Anon.  The official statement of World Service around issues between members is “Talk to Each Other”.  

You have repeatedly refused this guidance.  Al-Anon is based on a program of learning to become rigorously honest, mind our own business and begin to behave with more and more integrity.  So our words and our actions line up and we feel better about ourselves and saner in our relationships with other people.  There is no outside accountability in Al-Anon because it operates on an honor system, the whole program is self accountability.  Why do I need to explain this to you?

It is such a terrible shame that I have to resort to communicating with you publicly on this site because you refuse to behave honorably.   And because you seem to be able to justify smearing me with your raging character defects. 

Please go back to the steps and traditions and get a grip on yourself.  

You seem to be thinking that all of your controlling manipulations and pretense are serving you, when the truth is, you are obviously out of control.   

Please, think again.  

With courage to change the things I can,

~ L

***

At the end of each Al-Anon meeting we say, "Keep coming back, it works if you work it."  IF being the focal point of the promise.  

If you love Al-Anon, need Al-Anon or want to check out Al-Anon and are deeply disturbed by this page, I am truly sorry.

And there is hope!

Under the circumstances announcement:

There is a genuine, inclusive,  Al-Anon meeting happening weekly in Ashland, Oregon at the Methodist Church, Wednesdays at noon.  

ALL Are Actually Welcome!   

Humility and Honesty

Richard Rohr,

Thursday, September 8, 2016

The only people who grow in truth are those who are humble and honest. This is traditional Christian doctrine and is, in effect, the maxim of Alcoholics Anonymous. Without those two qualities—humility and honesty—we just don’t grow. If we try to use religion to aggrandize the self, we will end up just the opposite: proud and dishonest. Humility and honesty are really the same thing. A humble person is simply someone who is naturally honest about their own truth. You and I came along a few years ago; we’re going to be gone in a few more years. The only honest response to such a mystery is humility.

Growth in the spiritual life takes place not by acquisition of something new. It isn’t like the acquisition of new information, which some call “spiritual capitalism.” In reality our growth is “a treasure hidden in a field” (Matthew 13:44). It is only discovered by the release of our current defense postures, by letting go of fear and our attachment to self-image. Then the inner gift lies present and accounted for! Once our defenses are out of the way and we are humble and poor, truth is allowed to show itself. God could not risk giving truth to proud and power hungry people; they will always abuse it. Truth shows itself when we are free from ideology, fear, and anger.

Being so certain that “I know” won’t get you anywhere, spiritually speaking. The truth is, “I don’t really know anything!” Our real heroes might be those who know they don’t know, like Forrest Gump! Perhaps Gump is a metaphor for what we call beginner’s mind. Only such non-knowing is spacious enough to hold and not distort wisdom.

Similarly, meaning is not created; it is discovered. There is nothing new under the sun in terms of the soul. Our universe is an enchanted one. The twentieth century added nothing to the wisdom of the soul. It was all there already. It is still all there. You’re not going to be appreciably better than your grandma (or some pre-modern ancestor), even with all your education; in fact, I hope you’re as free as she was when you die. I hope you can say “I love you” as she did when you die. The great patterns are always the same: either fear or love, illusion or love. Healthy religion is always about love. All we can do is get out of the way.

Gateway to Silence:
Surrender to love.

Reference:
Adapted from Richard Rohr, Everything Belongs: The Gift of Contemplative Prayer (The Crossroad Publishing Company: 1999), 120-121.

September 19, 2017

Excerpt from L’s journal:

I changed my profile picture to the L tombstone right before I was suspended from Facebook again.  Mom called worried.  I called her back this evening.  We talked.  The censoring from Facebook amps up the conflict.  I want a paper to carry the story now.  Facebook censoring and creepy christians are both hot topics right now.  Now a public event has been moved because of it.  It is becoming more news worthy.  :)

  The frantic efforts of the church to have Facebook control/block the truth, has forced me to create a website.  And a website is a substantial next step in my Good Orderly Direction.  And it’s been so long since I felt like I had much in the way of Good Orderly Direction, the church turned everything I believed in upside down.   The website will help me put myself back together again.  The website is a puzzle in itself, I can work on my puzzle.  

Reverend Christina Kukuk

Lying is not a good place to start, anything. 

However, because deceit is at the root, in the stem and the flower of this story, it is where I begin.  Lying is where Rev. Kukuk began her ministry here in Ashland, Oregon, February 2016.

I address the letter following this message to Reverend Christina Kukuk, Senior Minister at Ashland United Church of Christ.  

I have needed to talk with her since April 1, 2016 and she has always refused an audience. So after many attempts and strategizes, and hours of non existent mediation, I have created this website to make public my many objections to Rev. Kukuk and her disgraceful ministry here in Ashland.  

Since this site is such a long time coming, it covers a long history and a lot of sordid details of my truly grotesque relationship with Rev. Kukuk.  

I refer to her throughout this site with her title Reverend, not because I think of her as a minister but because that is the title she is employed under.  That title is the primary factor in how she has gotten away with so much community destruction since she arrived.   She has displayed such an astounding array of immature character defects, that it is still hard to believe she remains in her post.  The collar is her pass.  

There are many documents and posts on this site that corroborate these facts.  The judgments I have about Christina are not based on hearsay or gossip or hurt feelings.  My judgments of Christina are based on observing her words and behavior, and experiencing the fruits of her ethically devoid leadership style.  

Rev. Kukuk lies.  That is the simple reality.  But as a minister she has managed to twist perception at Ashland UCC, so that there is nothing simple or true about reality over there, anymore.  

Specifically in this message, I want to address Christina as directly as I can.  She has always been so profoundly resistant to communicate with me, she decided she had to ban my partner and myself from the property, because I wouldn’t stop asking questions.  Amputating people from the "All Are Welcome" church  disrupts the entire ethos of the United Church of Christ.  

I have made several efforts to hold Rev. Kukuk responsible for her deceitful and destructive behavior in Ashland, but the Committee on Ministry, who is supposed to safeguard ethics, have been determined not to consider Rev Kukuk’s fitness.   

And yet I have so many unresolved issues and objections to Rev. Kukuk’s ugly behavior I have been compelled to create this website.    This site is for information about what really happened to tear Ashland UCC apart in 2016.  Rev. Kukuk created “documents” herself to explain what happened.  But they were all fraudulent.   This site also gives me the opportunity to set the public record straight, warn others away, and at long last communicate with Rev. Kukuk.  Reverend Kukuk is a profoundly unsafe person and I need witnesses.   Anyone reading this is a witness, and I thank you for your role.  

My message to Rev. Kukuk:

Christina, 

This is your karma.  Your behavior as a minister in Ashland is a filthy, stinking, rotten mess, because you lie so much.  

How do you dare lie to everyone all the time?  

As a minister.   At your church. 

There are some things that you need to comprehend:   

Lies muddy the water of community and relatedness at it’s core.  Civilization depends on commonly held values of decency to function above animalistic levels.  When you lie about yourself you degrade your own integrity and you dishonor the person you are lying to, because you are sharing something untrue with the intention of your listener believing you, therefore enacting a betrayal of trust. Society breaks down amid a fabric of lies.  

Lying about other people should be entirely avoided because the betrayal of community trust is unlimited in scope.  When you are lying about other people you are essentially projecting your deceptive character defects onto the person you are lying about and further out into the collective field.    Lying about other people constitutes a big lie.

As a minister, lying to your congregation about other people is a really big lie.   Because when you lie to your congregation about other people you are affecting all of the  relationships throughout the entire Body of Christ, with your dishonest “holy” blame.  The Body of Christ is a body claiming a cohesive togetherness as a Holy community.  When you lie to the Body you are betraying all the people and the very notion of Body of Christ itself.  This betrayal degrades the whole church/community.   Degrading the community with your deception is not an activity that you should be constantly engaged in.  

Quite unwisely you chose me to scapegoat.  Me and Daniel. This is a clear and present reality.  I am your scapegoat.  I have been expelled from community, by you, to cover for your misdeeds and the misdeeds of your friends, Brad Roupp and Becky Martin. You have continuously blamed us for your bad character and regressive leadership style. Your dishonest persecution of Daniel and me is the cornerstone of your ministry here in Ashland.  We did not embrace your punitive covenant and therefore we had to be punished more and more severely.  Ritualized scapegoating at Ashland UCC came with you, from Ohio, in January 2016.  The rituals are shunning, slandering, silencing, covenant creating, amputating and banning from the property.  

The seed of all of this goes back to the big lie you told the Council, confidentially on March 30.  One of the big lies that made us worthy of such extreme treatment; shunning, conviction, exile.  Conviction that has no data to back up it’s pronouncements and therefore a conviction that cannot bear the light of day.   You use confidentiality to hide your lies, this is one of the many ways you have mutilated language to serve your corrupt agenda.  You began using the confidential "harm” deception with tears, and claims of the “excruciating pain” we have caused you.   After we refused to do your homework assignment, you chose to lie about us.  And continuously after the Emergency Council Meeting lies, you had to control, everything.  The whole mushroom cloud of blame you have dumped on us is your disgrace.  

Not mine.  Not Daniel’s.  

Not only have you buried us in blame but you have openly shamed anyone who dared speak up for us.  We can all hear you do just that on the audio recording of the Special Congregational Meeting.    The meeting that you disgraced with your lies.

You never showed up for the mediations you love to trumpet.  You can’t be in a room with me and allow me to speak.  At the Special Congregational Meeting I erred in not declaring you a liar in the sanctuary that day.  I thought it was merciful and wise not to reveal  how horrifying a character you really are, in front of everyone.  I opted to allow the leadership to regroup after the meeting and attempt to work out things with the help of the mediators in a more private setting. 

After all of your repugnant behavior we were still behaving with compassion.

And yet you were compelled to stand, and disgrace the entire proceeding with a shotgun blast of ethically deplorable, shadow garbage.  And Becky was compelled to back you up.  

All you have against me is your slime, your own bad mind and your ethically devoid style.  And crucially, Brad and Becky’s blessings.  

I do not agree with the individual choices that led people to install you as their moral compass.   I don’t think it is a sound policy in general, for anyone to allow someone else to be their moral compass.    But since your congregation does rely on  their minister to be their moral compass, than surely you can see that it is of paramount importance that you possess moral integrity.   Your congregation have been relying on you to show them a Christ-like way.  And you are offering lies, bullying, slander, amputation and full-throttle enemy making.  Apparently, your Council doesn’t understand what they are supposed to be doing.  Apparently, they have given you permission to do as you please.   And tragically, as a group they appear morally dim at best.  So in fact you have failed miserably as a moral compass and instead created a deceitful firestorm of separation and ill will in and around Ashland United Church of Christ.  

Here is the rub.  I don’t make an obedient scapegoat.  I could have told you that on March 30, ’16 when you started your campaign.  It was a terrible idea.   For so many reasons, it was doomed to fail.  

First of all, I’m not a liar.  In fact before your arrival in Ashland I didn’t know anyone who lied like you.  I have always believed the world is messed up plenty without my adding to the sludge with my words.   I have been working a program of rigorous honesty (Al-Anon) for 26 years and I hold myself to an extremely high standard of integrity.  I believe in being impeccable with my words, to the best of my ability.  I noticed that you do not hold that value.  

For two years now I have been studying the way you lie.  

It’s not even very smart, but it sure has paid you well.  

You lie about me and Daniel continuously.  At least whenever we come up, now that we are eliminated from polite conversation at the church, you probably haven’t been lying about us recently.  But the results of all your lies, well, those results are incalculable.  No one has control over all the broken relationships you are responsible for, all the deep pain of amputation that hurt Daniel and me.  Amputation from the Body, based on lies and character assassination, hurts the whole church.  

I’m still stunned by how you lie with such reckless abandon.  Oddly enough, your recklessness in lying seems to have worked to your advantage in the short term.  It seems as though your behavior is so outlandish that people think: The minister wouldn’t/couldn’t say THAT if it weren’t true.   They can’t believe that you stood up in front of them at the Special Congregational Meeting, out of order on multiple levels, shaming them, calling us liars, touting mediation, holding up false evidence to damn us, proclaiming it was time to ask the congregation what to do, all without a shred of truth.  

As their minister, you did this. 

They can’t allow themselves to believe that the woman they are grossly over paying to be their moral compass is a complete liar.  That would be too upsetting to reckon with.  

So there is no reckoning.  

Except that, you proved yourself a liar.  Both in the Ashland Daily Tidings and in the Special Congregational Meeting.  I have multiple forms of documentation posted on this site that prove you often misrepresent the truth, yourself and me.  

In the Tidings on 3.28.16 you claim to be UCC because there is “no dogma, no doctrine” but rather sports “progressive inclusive ways”.  You claim that at your church there is “not a list of things to sign off on.”  That big feature article on you appeared two days before Daniel and I received our gag order and punitive covenant  dated 3.30.16 with a list of 8 rules that you Becky and Brad  threatened us with.  Rules that the three of you created, but have no integrity with.  You are only the judge and jury, not subject to your regressive rules.     The list of rules that you have NEVER been willing to even discuss.    Yet in the newspaper two days before we were served these rules, according to you, there were no such lists at your church.  Then after I reported your confidential covenant to the congregation, you declared your rules, “not in effect” to the congregation.  Yet you were never in touch with us to tell us that the rules were “not in effect”.  You really didn’t think through your covenant, did you?  

Because it is dumb in a multitude of ways. Dumb.  

If you were not so reckless you might have guessed that I would make a terrible scapegoat.   And now there is the internet.  

I’m not a liar, so I don’t feel guilty and ashamed of myself.   I’m not a coward, so I have no problem at all facing you.  I have no problem discussing your inventions and policies.  It is you, the originator, the inventor of enemy-making at Ashland UCC, that can’t discuss your ideas.  Can’t answer questions.   Can’t face the once faithful servants, you have made enemies of your church.  

I watched the Salem Witch Trials recently, the one with Kirstie Alley, and the similarities between you and the minister in that movie are eerie.  Have you seen it?  

The film depicts a story set in 1692, when the religious practice was Puritanism and their philosophy was to punish sin with public humiliation.  When people got really scared, they started hanging old friends, simply for being accused of witchcraft.  Something tells me that you know the story very well.  

It’s crazy how it lines up with our amputation, in that the rich man of the village hires the minister and the minister preaches fear, sin and damnation, while the rich man extracts money from the congregation to pay the minister.  Then the kids start to melt down in the toxic environment of accusations of sin and humiliating punishments and start to point at various women to escape punishment for themselves. The unreasonably punitive adults around them are terrifying.  The ugly mob that calls itself a congregation, starts hanging the women for being accused.

I tell you it was truly bizarre to see you so clearly portrayed in that film. 

Not so much in the specific circumstances but in character.  The minister was so weak and fearful.  He used fear and shame to control people as he  preached and proclaimed, all from an icy cold heart.  But the minister had an understanding with the rich man, they helped each other out.   

 Ironically the biggest problem with your variation on the 1692 story is that you didn’t kill us.  

We are still here.  We are still community members, despite all your worst efforts.  We can still talk, we can still use language.   

Are you beginning to see the error in your great big plan?  

Without killing us, just declaring us trespassers is not enough.  It is in fact, not smart.  

We are still part of all.   The way you have mutilated language in your ministry has been stunning, but even with your collar, you don’t actually have the power to change the meaning of words.   It is not within your power to redefine: All.  

I now realize that the linch pin of your plan has always been your collar.  You knew that your title and the collar you wield would give you God-like power in life.  People want to give you the benefit of the doubt. They want to like you, to believe you.  So you had the really big guns when it came to bullying.   You could blatantly and profusely lie, shun and amputate “beloved” volunteers from the community.   

It is possible that you feel I am being unfair.  You may believe that Brad chose me as the scapegoat and you were just following his lead.  But even if that is true, and I could agree that in a sense it is, you are still being over paid to be the minister and moral compass of Ashland UCC and you are a pathological liar.  So ultimately, you made a decision as Reverend to cover for Brad’s petty bullying behavior, and Becky’s enabling deceit.   

I realize that we were banned from the property to protect you from accountability and that we received our papers of exile on October 7, because October 9 was the next Congregational Meeting and you could not allow me to ask you about your ethical misconduct in front of everyone.  You could not allow for an honest review of your antics at the last Congregational Meeting, the Special one.  You could not  allow me to bring all your garbage back to the church and tell people about you.  You aren’t safe with people talking truth. You can’t allow it.    

So you lead people to believe that they are unsafe because of me.  Because I am unsafe, because of the rampant harm you proclaim that I cause.  All vague accusations with no data.  But your lies and blame and the accompanying crying, trigger their reptilian fears.  Fears made so much more compelling because the liar is wearing your thin white collar.  You seem to imagine that that little collar is actually big enough to cover the breadth and depth of your sins.   Your collar is why you lie so boldly and expect to get away with it.  Your collar is why your sad flock desperately wants to believe you, or at least want to justify and rationalize for you.  

And again, sadly, because this is a Very Sad story, your collar should be brown the way you have disgraced it with the continuous deceit of your mouth.  

Shit brown.  

And I barely know you.  Your style of leading a church is disgraceful, your policies make no sense, but you can’t hear about it.  Your behavior has brought so much shame to Ashland UCC.  It isn’t even a safe space to hold an outside meeting anymore.  

But you are shameless, aren’t you?  It doesn’t bother you to lie.  In fact lying is your big ace. It’s how you win your battles.  People have embraced your style.  You have been handsomely rewarded.   I heard you got a $20,000 raise the day you amputated and banned us from the property.   I also heard that Brad was going to remodel a house for you. Is that going on now?  Are you already strutting around your Brad Roupp original home?

You should be ashamed of yourself.  

You are not honest.

You are not kind.

You are not progressive. 

You are not inclusive.  

You are not appropriate as a minister in a UCC church.   

And you know it.   

 You are unfit.  And you are setting a very ugly example as a religious leader in our community.

Do everyone a favor and resign.  

Then go get help.  

We all need you to be a better human being, your children most of all.   

Honest to God,

~ L Citizen  

January 6, 2018

Community Apology

On January 2nd we received a letter dated November 17, 2017 from Laurie True.  

It is called “an open letter”.  In it John Love, the current Moderator of the council at Ashland UCC, asserts many dishonest things (which I address in my response to John, below).  But, first I want to extend an apology to the community for toxic messages promoted by Ashland United Church of Christ. 

Ashland UCC should be sorry for perpetuating lies designed to breed baseless fear in the community.  

In John Love’s open letter he writes:

“They have accused staff and congregants of “corruption,” of being a “fascist church,” “unethical,” “publicly dishonest,” “abusive,” an “exercise in hypocrisy,” and so on.  One has verbally attacked and physically intimidated members of our congregation in a variety of public settings—a coffee shop, the Growers’ Market, and on public sidewalks.”

The first sentence is the most honest of the letter.  The second sentence however is potent with deceit.  It is designed to create fear.   This goes to the very heart of the injustice and destruction of community that is the foundation of Rev. Kukuk’s ministry and the deceitful spirit that is spreading into the larger community from Ashland UCC.  

Let me assure everyone reading this that I am intentionally and thoroughly committed to non-violence.  I do not and have not resorted to physical violence or intimidation. 

I believe that John used the term “physically intimidated” to breed hysteria.    I don’t think that at 5’4’’ my silver haired, asking of questions, was actually physically intimidating.  I do believe that people felt put on the spot, when I called them on their behaviors.  The idea that Daniel and I are violent is a cover that church leadership likes to promote to hide the ethical misconduct of their minister and her policies.   I realize now that they have promoted an idea that it is criminal for me to talk to anyone I used to go to church with.   Just because church people want to believe it, speaking to someone and harassment are not the same thing.  

Let me cut through the b.s. and be perfectly clear: I take personal responsibility for my actions and behaviors and it is not in my nature to escalate conflict.   I am consciously in touch with my genuine aggression and I find productive ways to channel it (this site for example).

Non violence is an ethic that both Daniel and I live by.   Our exhaustive efforts at civil discourse with church leadership are documented on this site and were always rejected.  No one has to fear physical violence from us, or any kind of “unwarranted attack”.   That is a story made up by church clergy and council to justify their shunning, amputation and banning their scapegoats.    The story concocted by Rev. Kukuk and furthered now by so many, has no basis in reality. It simply benefits their minister for the community to be afraid of us. Let that sink in.  John Love seems to operate from the position that whatever Rev. Kukuk wants, she should get.   

I am aware that using language like “attack” and “physical intimidation” breed fear and contempt in the community and that no church should be involved in introducing such groundless, destructive thoughts into the collective consciousness.  But Ashland UCC, has entirely lost it’s way.  Warning community to this sad reality is the point of this entire site.  

Rest assured community: There is nothing to fear from the amputated scapegoats, unless you fear illumination.  We are so very sorry that you have been led to believe otherwise.   That was wrong.  

Committed to Jesus’ Third Way:

L Citizen & Daniel Sperry

January 6, 2018

John,

Wednesday night I received a link to your letter dated November 17, 2017.   It has taken me several days to process the new level to which you have stooped, in the name of church.   It is disconcerting that you were able to get 50 people from the church, to sign on to your inane letter.  Apparently, you thought using the names and reputations of as many people as possible to back up your accumulated dishonesty was the best way to show your strength and righteousness.  

I’m glad I finally got a chance to see it.   Because your letter makes many false claims and many of the statements are based on false assumptions.  Let’s really look at what you offered in November and manipulated decent folks into signing.  

You claim: 

“Central to our faith is our belief that Christ calls us to participate in God’s reign of justice, peace, and compassion on earth.”

Now John, based on the behavior of you, your council friends and especially your clergy, you are not at all interested in justice, peace or compassion.  You bully.  You slander.  You lie.  You cannot and will not have a conversation with the folks you claim you are being victimized by.  

Never the less, you claim:

“We seek to live out an inclusive vision in which all may safely and respectfully participate in every aspect of the church’s life.”

I believe that the church used to seek an “inclusive vision”, but that was before Christina.   You cannot claim that Rev. Kukuk is a woman who holds an inclusive vision.  She amputated us based on lies.  She turned the whole community upside down with her strategies of enemy making.  It is her ethical misconduct that cannot be discussed.  There is nothing safe or respectful about Rev. Kukuk’s behavior.  There is nothing respectful about your behavior, John. Lying is not respectful.  Using your “church friends” to back up your lies, is neither safe, nor respectful.  And banning people from church property to cover for the ethical misconduct of your deceitful minister is institutionalized pathology.  

You further claim:

“One has verbally attacked and physically intimidated members of our congregation in a variety of public settings—a coffee shop, the Growers’ Market, and on public sidewalks.”

Here you are speaking of my attempts at street accountability.  I know accountability is a dirty word at Ashland UCC these days, but I it remains true that accountability for people in positions of power is fundamental to justice and there is no justice at your church.   

I believe that you used the term “physically intimidated” simply to mislead and breed fear.    I don’t believe that at 5’4’’ my silver haired, asking of questions, was truly physically intimidating.  I do believe that people felt put on the spot, when I called them on their behaviors. I believe they want to go along with your claim that my talking to anyone from the church constitutes harassment, but that is really just privileged, white fragility, not actual harassment.

Let’s get specific, at the Growers’ Market I asked Joanna  Niemann, “How did it feel lying about me to the whole church?”  

Joanna immediately claimed I was harassing her, but the truth is, I sincerely wanted to know why she was willing to be so destructive and dishonest.   This is called natural consequences.  

Within seconds she said, “I’m calling the police.”

I said, “Please do!  I want to talk to them about your fascist church.”  

She looked concerned, reconsidered and put her phone down…

I asked her other questions among them:

“How do you feel being a fraud in the community?  

Do you feel badly for taking money from me to teach things you don’t have integrity with?

How do you justify calling yourself and expert in Restorative Circles and holding no integrity with the principles of Restorative Circles?” 

These questions could not be more warranted.   Joanna refused to answer anything and looked at her phone for rescue.   If you lie about people in public settings and you see those people around town,  it is a natural consequence that the people you have been lying about, might feel they have a bone to pick with you.  

When you claim to be an expert of Restorative Circles and you promote none of the actual principles of Restorative Circles, and the result of your lies destroys someone else life in community.   It should be expected that your amputated former student would want to ask you about your deception when she encounters you in public.  

Joanna has aided Rev. Kukuk in suppressing a conflict, thereby feeding the initial power imbalances and helping to expand the conflict to multiple conflicts.  Joanna used her persona of “expert” of social justice to endorse Rev. Kukuk’s false claim  that Daniel and I are not capable of civil discourse and therefore not worthy of a Restorative Circle.  This is entirely untrue.   Joanna, apparently, made her assessment of our abilities based on Christina’s agenda and her desire to ingratiate herself to the new minister, because she didn’t talk to us.  Joanna’s input helped justify Rev. Kukuk’s  slanderous conviction of us.  Now Joanna is on the church council and John has characterized our encounter as “an unwarranted attack”.  

I see Joanna’s behavior as the very antithesis of non violent or socially just.  I have found Joanna’s behavior egregiously destructive to me personally and to justice, the church and community in general.  Therefore, I asked questions of her at the Growers’ Market.  

Apparently, Joanna, you and 50 others, believe that asking Joanna about her deceptions constitutes an “attack”.  I believe Joanna felt attacked simply because she knows what a heinous thing she has done to me.  She knows how infuriated I have every right to be, over the life shattering lies she told.  She knows the magnitude of the injustice she has enabled.   So when I show up in front of her at the Market, she’s scared, that’s natural consequences.  

I submit that Joanna felt attacked because she is guilty of slanderous behavior against me and Daniel and she didn’t like hearing about it.  She felt embarrassed, she is committed to hiding these ugly realities  about herself.  At her church everyone is hiding ugly realities.  It seems as though, Joanna feels that she should be universally protected from her lies, like she is protected at her church.  

But John, Joanna should be embarrassed, so should you. 

You continue:

“While we continue to wish them peace, we will no longer remain silent.”

This statement is laughable.  You, your clergy and your council friends do not and never have wished us peace.  You have slandered us continuously as you shunned us.   Then without ever talking to us, you amputated us from the Body of Christ, all the while relentlessly assassinating our characters.  In your letter you stoop lower than I have seen before, in attempting to breed baseless fears further into the community.   

Do you know the definition of “peace” John?   Peace is not what your church is doing.    

You claim you “will no longer remain silent.”  

Really, how so?  You write a fraudulent letter and get 50 of your “faith community friends” to sign onto it and then you present it as your holy defense.  To whom?  

Who are you accusing?   Where did you send the letter? 

You are silent about all the facts.  And you don’t mention the intention behind your “open letter”, which is to distract from the enormous cluster of ugly policies and corruption that you and leadership have been up to for nearly two years.   You don’t want to have a reputation for what your church actually does.  You feel it is better for “minding the gap” (bringing in money) for people to continue to believe you foster an inclusive community.  Your letter was written in an effort to  protect your propaganda and of course your reverend.    

Then this:

“Each time a member of our community yields to expressions of hatred, our community is weakened.”

I agree with this statement and I do see that Rev. Kukuk’s ministry has spread an ugly weakness throughout the community.  Y’all are extremely motivated to mischaracterize everything about yourselves, your church, me and Daniel.   When you can’t be honest, when you can’t communicate directly, when you use language to manipulate and mislead, you are weak.  How do you not see that the aggressively, deceptive style of church that Rev. Kukuk is teaching you, has weakened “our community?”    This is a serious question John, I wish you would at least consider answering it.  

Then you claim:

“We must stand up to it wherever it shows itself – and especially when it happens in our own community.”

So your answer to our publishing your corruption, which you characterize as “attacks”, is to “stand up to it wherever it shows itself.” 

How is your letter standing up?  

You don’t name us, you don’t name your ministers, you didn’t send your letter to us and you forever and always refuse to answer the questions we ask.  You have stood for nothing other than Rev. Kukuk, thereby betraying us all.   

You wrap up with:

“We will not allow this behavior to interfere with the sanctity of our church or the work of our faith community.”

It has been painfully obvious for quite some time (and your letter further proves the point) that you have completely jettisoned anything remotely resembling sanctity in your faith community.  When you unite against your neighbors, you are not following Christ.   Christ’s message was, “love thy neighbor”.    Can you remember that?  

It is because I believe in the teachings of Christ that your behavior on behalf of “the church” is so utterly offensive.   You actively mislead people to fear us as a way of protecting your minister from any accountability for her deceitful and toxic leadership.

You and your church have gotten it completely backwards and your letter proves that you are attempting to drag as many people as possible backwards with you.  

The truth is John, your minister is a very sick woman.  It is as though she has had the flu for two years and has infected everything and everyone.   You can deny and pretend and create messages all you want, there is still an infection in the Body of Christ.  You cannot clean up the church with Christina as your leader.  She needs to be relieved of her duties and be quarantined for a while. She is seriously ill and she has made spreading what ails her a ministry.   With your letter you have had 50 of your friends sign on to an infection.  You have broadcast this infection to try to make people afraid, in order to protect your leader. Please consider these facts. She is sick John. You can no longer hide or deny that fact.   It’s time to change course.

Illumination!

~ L Citizen